


i'm not good at making promises

by icecreamhour



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mild recreational drug use, Minor Im Jaebum | JB/Jackson Wang, One-Sided Attraction, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:48:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 47,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icecreamhour/pseuds/icecreamhour
Summary: jinyoung has been in love with jackson for years. the timing's never been right, and jinyoung doesn't think it ever will be.it only takes one party for everyone to think that he's dating yugyeom.
Relationships: Kim Yugyeom/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 103
Kudos: 162





	1. happy new year

Jinyoung comes to Jackson and Jaebeom’s New Year’s Eve party alone. He was allowed to bring a guest, but as long as their other friends were there, Jinyoung didn’t really need to invite anyone else. He wasn’t seeing anyone, and the one person he was interested in, was already taken by someone else. Jackson was hosting, since he has the biggest place— his expensive Seattle townhome that’s enough to accommodate more guests that include his teammates. 

He’s on the rooftop alone, hands fiddling with the plastic packaging of one of the edibles he brought to the party. He bought a ten pack at a dispensary and gave the rest to Mark, not knowing what to do with it at all since he’s never tried one before. It’s peach flavored, something sweet that masks most of the taste while he chews on it while shoving his cold hands into his pockets. Mark told him it’ll take a while to kick in anyway, and the closer it gets to midnight the more it makes Jinyoung want to leave. 

Jinyoung has tried to be happy. He’s faked it all this time, telling Jackson and Jaebeom how happy he is for the both of them. Jinyoung knows that it’s his own fault, that he’s the reason why the both of them are together. He never expected anything to be so permanent, with the way Jackson and Jaebeom seem to fit into each other’s lives so perfectly. Jaebeom goes to every single one of Jackson’s home games without fail; sitting in the players’ friends and family section along with Jinyoung and the rest of their friends. He traveled out during playoffs, something Jinyoung could never have done. 

He tries not to feel bitter when he sees the posts on Jackson’s instagram page. The ones where Jaebeom is kissing him on the field after a win. It’s not like Jinyoung’s spent years wishing that was him. He’s been halfway in love with Jackson since the first time he met him, and now Jinyoung can’t even bring himself to feel genuine happiness since the two people he loves the most are so good together. 

It makes him a little sick, and Jinyoung takes in a deep breath to try and reel himself in. The edible still hasn’t kicked in yet, and Jinyoung just wants to have a chill time for the rest of the night. Everyone’s inside now, mostly since the novelty of waiting for fireworks died out for everyone in favor of warmth. He makes his way back inside, going down the flight of stairs just to make it to the main room where everyone is. It’s a little crowded now that more of Jackson’s teammates have showed up, and Jinyoung heads straight for the table filled with food and drinks. 

He takes one of everything on a plate— mostly since he didn’t eat much earlier. There’s still one left of everything, and he piles it all on until his plate is full. Mark mentioned something about snacking and Jinyoung just listens to all his advice, since he’s supposed to be the expert on edibles. Jinyoung wouldn’t know even if it hit him. It’s only been less than half an hour since he took it, and at this point he’s just waiting for it to kick in. 

“Jinyoung,” Jackson says, and places his hand on his shoulder. “There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” 

“What for?” Jinyoung laughs. He can tell Jackson is just a little drunk, and it looks like Jaebeom’s talking to some other guests. 

“Jaebeom’s too busy to pay attention to me,” Jackson pouts. “Let’s play a game! With Mark and BamBam.” 

“Where’s Youngjae?” Jinyoung asks. Usually, he’d be there too to calm down Jackson whenever he gets this drunk. 

“He’s a little late, something about his boyfriend— Brian?” Jackson pauses. “I don’t remember. Let’s go.” 

He pulls on Jinyoung’s hand— not even caring if some of the food spills off of Jinyoung’s plate. It’s a little hard to balance it all, following behind Jackson and navigating the crowd of people. Jinyoung tunes out the chatter, listening to Jackson prattle on about some fun party game while they finally meet back up with Mark and BamBam. 

“Hey, you made it!” Mark says, and takes the plate of food out of Jinyoung’s hands. 

“I met you on the way in,” Jinyoung rolls his eyes. “I gave you the damn edibles.” 

“Right,” Mark nods. “Right, well, Jackson said we were going to play a game?” 

“Truth or dare!” Jackson exclaims. He’s already passing around a red cup, and Jinyoung still doesn’t know what to do with it. “You pick a slip from this cup if it’s dare,” Jackson explains. “And truth from this cup,” he adds, passing Jinyoung a blue cup this time. 

“God, this edible really isn’t shit at all,” Jinyoung mumbles. 

“What?” Jackson asks, just barely tilting his head. 

“Nothing,” Jinyoung shakes his head. “Let’s play. You first,” Jinyoung says, and holds up both of the cups so Jackson can pick out of them. 

“Truth or dare?” BamBam asks. 

Jackson doesn’t even answer, and grabs one of the slips from the blue cup. _Truth_. Jinyoung just watches, trying not to let his lips form into a smile when he sees Jackson bite down on his tongue while trying to unfold the paper slip with his hands. 

“Well,” Mark prods. “Read it.” 

“Tell us one thing about your sex life,” Jackson reads off of the slip. “Wow, I should’ve known I was going to get that one.” 

“You can’t avoid it now,” BamBam eggs him on, placing his hands on Jackson’s shoulders just to encourage him. “Tell us.” 

Jinyoung wants to cover his ears and avoid it, knowing it’ll probably be something mind blowing and fantastic. He remembers the one year he lived in the dorms with Jackson at UW before he dropped out of university— loud and always had a sock over their shared door. 

“Jaebeom and I like to—” Jackson admits, only Jinyoung tunes out and doesn’t hear the second half of it. Jackson laughs just a bit, and everyone looks puzzled when his face returns to a serious expression. “What?” Jackson asks. “Why are you all looking at me like that?” 

“Jaebeom _bottoms_?” BamBam asks. 

“Well, yeah,” Mark says, and takes a long sip from his own red cup. “Speaking from personal experience here. Jaebeom’s always _exclusively_ been a bottom. I’m impressed.” 

“I like it,” Jackson shrugs. “It’s good— It’s so good—” 

“Okay,” Jinyoung laughs nervously. “We don’t need to hear anymore about anyone’s sex life tonight unless we draw from the truth cup.” 

Jinyoung is really starting to hate Mark— not because of the sex comment, mostly because he said these edibles would take an hour to kick in. They still haven’t, and Jinyoung’s stuck in this stupid game of truth or dare until whenever Jaebeom decides to come in and end it. 

“You’re next,” Jackson insists, and takes the cups from Jinyoung’s hands. 

Jinyoung’s not in any mood to tell anyone the truth tonight— especially Jackson at his own party. No way would he ever admit his feelings, his real feelings, ones that could potentially ruin the entire party and everyone’s moods. Jinyoung’s just going to sulk in his own misery. 

“Dare,” Jinyoung says, and confidently grabs one of the slips from the red cup. 

He unrolls the slip with his hands, feeling the paper in his hands while he reads the dare to himself before saying it out loud. _Kiss the first person you bump into at midnight._ It’s not that big of a dare, and Jinyoung just reads it out loud with a sigh. 

“I have to kiss the first person I bump into at midnight,” Jinyoung says, slipping the paper into his pocket. “This’ll have to be for the long game.” 

* * *

The rest of the game seems to fade into itself. Jinyoung’s not even sure if the edible finally kicked in. He feels a bit floaty, finding himself roaming to the snack table again just to take a bite out of everything. Mark took his old plate, and all Jinyoung does is pile more snacks until he has a pile as big as the one he had before. He’s never been high, and Jinyoung just finds himself walking around the room and saying hi to random people before sitting down on one of the couches. He’s by himself, picking off his snack plate while he notices Jackson and Jaebeom out of the corner of his eye. 

They look so happy. Jinyoung forces a smile, just so he can try to make himself feel better about it. They’re both wrapped around each other, talking to one of Jackson’s teammates and a part of Jinyoung still wishes that he could’ve just told Jackson how he felt years ago. He thinks there could’ve been a time when it would’ve worked out, only now Jinyoung doesn’t know what to do anymore. He tries to force out the negative feeling, idly chewing on his snacks while getting caught up with something on his phone. 

“Hey,” a voice greets. 

“Hey,” Jinyoung says, not even looking up from his phone. He’s staring at some old meme— sending something to the group chat about the edibles being absolutely _shit_. 

“You know,” Yugyeom says, nudging Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Sometimes people don’t even have a reaction the first time they have edibles.” 

“Aren’t you like a baby?” Jinyoung scoffs. “Since when have you tried weed?” 

Jinyoung remembers meeting Yugyeom when he was a freshman at UW— Yugyeom and BamBam were in one of the classes that Jinyoung TA’d for. They gave him hell for most of the quarter, especially when Jinyoung found out the two of them were friends with Mark. It doesn’t surprise him, but Yugyeom’s mellowed out a lot since then. 

“In case you forgot,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes. “It’s legalized in Washington state.” 

“This just sucks,” Jinyoung whines. He places the plate on the table, and shoves his phone back into his pocket. He leans on Yugyeom’s shoulder, trying to get as close to him as he can. He feels like he needs to stay close to someone, with his head feeling more floaty than it did earlier. “I just wanted to have fun and forget about this stupid party.” 

“Then we’ll sulk together,” Yugyeom sighs, and wraps his arm around Jinyoung. “I just got dumped.” 

“You got dumped?” Jinyoung frowns. “Since when were you dating?” 

“It wasn’t serious,” Yugyeom shrugs. “Let’s just continue to have our own pity party, everyone’s having way too much fun.” 

“Yes,” Jinyoung nods. “We can sit here and sulk all night and cuddle if we want to.” 

* * *

Yugyeom has to get up from the couch at some point, just to feed himself and say hi to the rest of their friends. Only Jinyoung doesn’t want to be left alone, so he trails behind Yugyeom all night, hanging off of his shoulder like a koala. He thinks it might be a side effect of the edible— making him more cuddlier than usual. He doesn’t mind it, and Jinyoung thinks it feels nice enough for him to forget about everything else. 

“Who knew an edible would make you this soft,” Mark laughs. “You’re a marshmallow.” 

“I am just having a fun time,” Jinyoung says, just peeking from behind Yugyeom’s shoulder. “If I had known it would be this much fun before I would’ve tried it years ago.” 

“Who was the one who was always scolding us in our dorms about smoking weed,” Mark rolls his eyes. “God, is the plot twist of 2021 going to be Jinyoung becoming a _sometimes_ stoner?” 

“I’m not a stoner,” Jinyoung groans. “Yugyeom, take me out of here, let’s go,” Jinyoung says, just squeezing Yugyeom’s shoulder. “Mark’s saying things.” 

Yugyeom stays, and passes up a red cup filled with water to Jinyoung. He moves off of Yugyeom for only a moment, taking the cup in his hands before drinking the whole thing. He didn’t realize he was so thirsty, and Jinyoung takes hold of Yugyeom’s hand before trying to drag them away from their friends so he can get more. Yugyeom resists, letting his feet stay firmly planted to the ground while Jinyoung tries to pull at his arm. 

“I’m thirsty,” Jinyoung sighs. 

“Then go by yourself for a minute,” Yugyeom says, and lets go of Jinyoung’s hand. “I’ll be waiting here when you come back.” 

Jinyoung stumbles his way into the kitchen, all too confused by the layout of Jackson’s townhouse. He’s only visited a few times— once just a few days ago while helping Jaebeom move some of his stuff in. He still hasn’t fully moved out of their shared apartment, and Jaebeom was supposed to swing by tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff to get everything settled. Even Nora was still under Jinyoung’s roof. 

He’s leaning against the fridge, watching as the water fills up higher and higher in his red cup. He fills it to the brim, and drinks half of the cup to satisfy his thirst. No one else is in the kitchen, and Jinyoung thinks he could steal some time away for himself in here for a while to avoid socializing with anyone else that isn’t from their friend group. Jinyoung stares out the window, seeing the view of the city from Jackson’s townhouse. It’s decent, and Jinyoung knows he paid a lot of money for a place like this. He almost gets lost in it, staring outside until Jaebeom snaps him out of it. 

“You good?” Jaebeom asks. “Mark told me you took an edible.” 

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung brushes him off. “I didn’t drink, if that’s what you’re wondering.” 

“I don’t think being crossfaded for your first time would be a smart decision,” Jaebeom says. “Let’s get you back to the party?” 

Jinyoung doesn’t answer, silently following behind Jaebeom until the both of them are finally with all of their friends again. Jackson is here this time, and Youngjae finally arrived with his boyfriend. Yugyeom’s still there, and Jinyoung does it without even thinking— he links his fingers together with Yugyeom’s while leaning against his shoulder for the second time that night. He ignores the questioning looks from both Jackson and Jaebeom, and stands closer to Yugyeom the more chatty everyone gets. 

Jinyoung lets the conversation fade into each other— he just nods along while Yugyeom gently pets his hair. Jackson still won’t stop giving him weird looks, tilting his head every once in a while and Jinyoung brushes it off. He’s not going to let Jackson ruin his vibes— especially when he and Jaebeom are wrapped up together like the closest couple in the house. 

He loses track of time, squeezing Yugyeom’s hand every so often while nuzzling the side of his face into Yugyeom’s shoulder. It feels nice, and he’s warm and Jinyoung still feels like he’s floating. 

“This is nice,” Jinyoung mumbles. 

“Should’ve known that you get cuddlier on edibles,” Yugyeom lets Jinyoung lean on his shoulder properly, just so he can walk to the two of them to the other side of the room. He wonders where everyone is now— scattered across the room while Jinyoung can hear the party get even louder. “Just a few steps, and we’ll be far away from all the gross couples.” 

“Gross,” Jinyoung says, and sticks out his tongue. “So gross. I don’t want to see Jackson and Jaebeom kiss anymore.” 

“It’s almost midnight so you can close your eyes,” Yugyeom replies. He squeezes Jinyoung’s hand, and finally lets go. “Probably another minute or so,” he adds. 

“Wait,” Jinyoung tries to find the slip in his pocket— the dare. He doesn’t think anyone else will remember it, wondering if he can just swallow it now. He knows kissing Yugyeom wouldn’t be bad. He’s just a little taller than him, which Jinyoung has always found a bit nice. “Shouldn’t we kiss?” 

“Me?” Yugyeom scoffs. “Kiss you? You really are _high_.” 

“You’re no fun,” Jinyoung frowns. “It’s just for midnight, and you know we can always post it to make your ex jealous,” Jinyoung adds. “Just one kiss.” 

“If it’s just for midnight,” Yugyeom places his hands around Jinyoung’s waist, tugging at his belt loops to pull him in closer. The party gets louder— someone shouting off a countdown starting from ten. “I guess kissing you wouldn’t be too bad.” 

“You’ll regret saying that,” Jinyoung stands on his toes, his face just centimeters away from Yugyeom’s. Jinyoung only looks into Yugyeom’s eyes— and wonders why he’s never seen him like this before. Yugyeom’s always been handsome, but like this— cornering him in the middle of a party where the both of them are nearly pressed up against the wall. Jinyoung never thought he’d be this close to anyone, especially tonight, and Yugyeom tilts Jinyoung’s chin upwards until he can feel his breath on his lips. 

“Happy New Year,” Yugyeom says, his voice just low enough for Jinyoung to hear. He closes his eyes, and Jinyoung thinks that he just might be a little eager. It’s been a while since he kissed anyone, and Yugyeom wasn’t bad at it. He’s better than Jinyoung expected, his lips soft and inviting while his hand is on the back of Jinyoung’s neck. It feels even better while he’s high; more sensitive to touch while he tries to chase Yugyeom’s lips back. He thinks he might be giggling now, Yugyeom pulling away and keeping one hand on the back of his neck. 

“Happy New Year,” Jinyoung smiles, and presses his face into the crook of Yugyeom’s neck. He’d rather stay like this for now, ignoring the rest of the party while Yugyeom keeps running his hands through his hair. It feels better like this, Jinyoung pushing every negative thought out of his head while he enjoys this one moment. He’s happy, and for once he thinks he might be able to forget about Jackson. Even if it is for a tiny moment. 

“Hey.” 

It’s Jackson’s voice, and Jinyoung’s still too stubborn, holding onto Yugyeom like he’s his only lifeline at this party. He doesn’t want to play anymore games, or talk to anyone else. He’d rather cuddle with Yugyeom for the rest of the night and forget about how his two best friends are in love with each other. 

“I think he’s greening out,” Yugyeom laughs, trying to cover up Jinyoung’s groan of complaint when he can feel Jackson’s hand on his shoulder. “I’ll take him home.” 

“Okay,” Jackson replies. “Take care, both of you.” 

“Thanks,” Yugyeom says, and stubbornly guides Jinyoung until he starts moving again. 

Jinyoung gets a peek at Jackson, mustering up a small smile just so he can say goodbye. 

“Happy New Year, Jackson,” Jinyoung says, trying to sound as cheery as he can. 

Jinyoung can’t help but wonder if the fading smile from Jackson’s face is because of him. He doesn’t want to upset anyone by leaving early, but Jinyoung feels more tired than he thought. He didn’t know that the edibles would make him this sleepy, but Jinyoung ignores it again. Jinyoung focuses on the good parts, only the most fun he ever had at the party was when Yugyeom found him and sat next to him on the couch. 

“Let’s go?” Yugyeom asks. He places his hand on Jinyoung’s lower back, just gently guiding him through the room while Jinyoung drags his feet across Jackson’s expensive carpet. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods, feeling the sleepiness start to make his actions more sluggish. He leans on Yugyeom’s shoulder again, and sighs when he can hear Jackson’s voice. “Let’s go.” 

* * *

Jinyoung wakes up on Yugyeom’s couch the next day, tired and still wearing the same clothes he had on during the party. It’s just past noon, and Jinyoung searches his pockets for his phone. He’s supposed to meet Jaebeom today, and help him move the last few things out of their former shared apartment together. Jaebeom was making the full move to Jackson’s townhouse, leaving Jinyoung alone once again. 

“Good,” Yugyeom says, and tosses Jinyoung a water bottle. “You’re awake.” 

“Wish I wasn’t,” Jinyoung groans. He also wishes Yugyeom’s couch cushions would swallow him whole, and that he didn’t have to run errands today. “Can’t I just stay here?” 

“I literally had to carry you here last night because you didn’t want to go home,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes, and throws one of his extra jackets at him. “Jaebeom’s been calling me non stop for the past hour.” 

“Thanks,” Jinyoung grumbles. He’d usually be a little nicer, and despite his body’s protests Jinyoung reluctantly gets up from the couch. He is grateful Yugyeom took care of him even when he was miserable the entire night, and that he got him to cheer up even if it was only for a few hours. “I’ll text you later.” 

“You owe me a favor,” Yugyeom calls out, just as Jinyoung reaches the front door. He’s putting his shoes on in a rush, and Jinyoung sighs when Yugyeom only glares back at him. “Don’t think I won’t collect.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung sighs again. “I know.” 

* * *

Jinyoung gets back home to his apartment to find Jaebeom sitting on the couch, with a few boxes packed up and Nora’s crate by the doorway. It feels emptier already, and Jinyoung tries his best to give Jaebeom a smile. 

“Hey,” Jaebeom says. Nora is sitting on his lap, looking comfortable even though all of Jaebeom’s things are in boxes. “I didn’t see you leave the party last night.” 

“I left with Yugyeom,” Jinyoung shrugs. He starts moving some of the boxes, pushing some of them closer to the door since Jinyoung had the bigger car out of the two of them. He’s too preoccupied, and doesn’t even notice the way Jaebeom keeps staring at him. 

“You _left_ with Yugyeom,” Jaebeom states. “After you kissed him.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Jinyoung laughs, and tries to mask the nervousness in his voice. He’s carrying one of the last boxes now, stacking it right next to Nora’s empty crate. There’s only four of them with the last of Jaebeom’s stuff, and Jinyoung just wants this to be over as fast as possible. 

“What do you mean, not a big deal?” Jaebeom scoffs. “Did you see how upset Jackson was last night?” 

Jinyoung nearly knocks over one of the boxes, entirely confused by Jaebeom’s words. There wouldn’t be any reason for Jackson to be mad about it, especially since they said goodbye at the party before he left. He doesn’t know what else Jackson could possibly be mad about, and all Jinyoung does is return Jaebeom’s stare with confusion. 

“Why would he be upset?” Jinyoung asks. 

“He’s mad because you didn’t tell him that you were dating Yugyeom,” Jaebeom explains. “Literally right after you left, he wouldn’t stop complaining about how his best friend is keeping secrets from him.” 

“Wait,” Jinyoung tilts his head. “ _What_?” 

“Don’t be an idiot,” Jaebeom shakes his head. “He kept talking about how you were holding hands the entire night, and how you two were all over each other before you left the party.”

Jinyoung takes a moment to think it over. He doesn’t get why Jaebeom thinks the same too— although he exactly hasn’t been around for a while for them to talk about anything like this. Jinyoung thinks the last time they talked this seriously was when Jaebeom told him that he was moving out and in with Jackson. He wonders if he can use this to advantage now. He feels like his stomach might just drop, thinking about how Jackson possibly could’ve been jealous. 

“I just didn’t know when it would’ve been a good time,” Jinyoung feels like he’s shrinking, trying to tell a lie that he doesn’t know will be convincing. He doesn’t lie to Jaebeom often, but every time he’s tried he’s always been caught. 

“I don’t get why you didn’t tell anyone,” Jaebeom sighs. “Especially me.” 

Jaebeom looks hurt. It makes Jinyoung feel guilty, and wonders if he should just drop this before it turns into something else. He just fiddles with the lid on one of the boxes, pretending to close it since Jaebeom hadn’t taped it down. 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung mumbles. “It’s just a bit complicated.” 

“We can talk about it another time,” Jaebeom settles. “Let’s just get all my stuff moved and we can all have a good talk when Jackson is free.” 

Jaebeom gives him a friendly enough smile, and scoops up Nora into his arms before securing her in her crate. She makes a little meow in protest, while Jaebeom carries the crate with one hand and a small box in the other. 

“Okay,” Jinyoung nods. “Let’s go.” 

* * *

Jackson isn’t home when Jinyoung helps Jaebeom unload all of his things. There’s not much left to unpack, and Nora seems to be adjusting to the new place quite well since Jaebeom brought her over on multiple occasions. The place is surprisingly clean already from the night before, and Jinyoung manages to leave before Jaebeom gets him to stay behind for dinner. 

It’s Jinyoung’s second time telling a lie for the day when he tells Jaebeom that he can’t have dinner with them since he’s meeting up with Yugyeom and his parents. Jaebeom lets him go, and instead of driving straight home, he finds himself at Yugyeom’s place again. He called him ahead of time telling him that he’d be coming, along with some takeout since he wanted to do something nice after Yugyeom took care of him last night. 

He’s standing in front of Yugyeom’s door now, plastic bag in one hand while he knocks his fist against the door. It takes a while, Jinyoung standing out in the cold while Yugyeom makes him wait. He’s about to knock again, only Yugyeom takes him by surprise when the door swings open. 

“Oh,” Yugyeom says, and takes the bag from Jinyoung’s hands. “You brought my favorite.” 

It’s just pad thai from a place a few blocks down from Yugyeom’s apartment, and Jinyoung smiles without another word and follows Yugyeom inside. He wonders if this counts as the favor he owes— though Jinyoung won’t press until Yugyeom actually remembers. He kicks off his shoes once he gets past the door, and Yugyeom’s already in the kitchen taking out a new set of plates. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Jinyoung says. He’s slowly dragging his feet across the floor, feeling too nervous to even ask Yugyeom about this. He hasn’t asked for a favor like this in a long time, and Jinyoung doesn’t know what to expect. 

“Sure,” Yugyeom nods. He’s still busy, transferring some of the food onto plates while he throws away all the takeout containers. He sets a plate for Jinyoung, and he takes a seat across from him while Yugyeom stands on the other side of the kitchen counter. “What’s up?” 

“So when we left the party, I think,” Jinyoung starts. Yugyeom’s looking at him, head tilted to the side while he chews on his food. Jinyoung swallows, and barely manages to start again. “Jackson and Jaebeom are under the impression that we’re dating.” 

He doesn’t think that it’s much of a shock— although Jinyoung’s had a few more hours to think it over compared to Yugyeom. He coughs loudly, a bit of food falling from his lip while he sets his fork down onto the table. Yugyeom’s hitting his chest, trying to catch his breath all while Jinyoung pushes his plate away before it gets hit by the stray bits of food. 

“I’m—” Yugyeom coughs. “They think that we’re?” 

“That we’re in a relationship.” Jinyoung states. 

“Did you correct them? Did you tell them that we weren’t?” Yugyeom’s already moving, frantically walking around his kitchen trying to find a clean cup to drink out of. Jinyoung just grips onto the edge of the counter, trying not to laugh while Yugyeom ends up drinking out of an old coffee mug to swallow down his food. 

“I didn’t,” Jinyoung answers. 

He should’ve expected it this time, watching the spray of water come out of Yugyeom’s mouth and all over the sink. He’s coughing again, and while trying to calm himself down Yugyeom places the dirty mug at the bottom of the sink. He’s resting his arms against the counter, and Jinyoung watches as Yugyeom’s chest falls and rises. 

“Why didn’t you?” Yugyeom says, his voice still raspy from all the coughing. 

“I was wondering if you could do me one small favor,” Jinyoung pleads. “Jackson really wasn’t happy when he saw us kiss. Or I heard.” 

“You want us to pretend,” Yugyeom laughs. “You want us to pretend so you can make him jealous.” 

“It won’t be for that long,” Jinyoung frowns. “We’ll both get something out of it. It’ll help.” 

“What am I getting out of this, exactly?” Yugyeom sighs. “How could this possibly benefit me in any way?” 

“You said you got dumped, so I figured your ex might be mad if you bounced back this fast,” Jinyoung shrugs. “Plus I can give you rides to the university so you won’t have to take the bus anymore.” 

“It’s only a little convincing,” Yugyeom’s fully facing him now, staring Jinyoung down as if he’s trying to squeeze out as many benefits as possible. “What else do you have to offer?” 

“I’ll help you grade papers,” Jinyoung blurts out. He’s already busy enough, with a load of classes to teach while he’s swamped with thesis work. There’s nothing else that Jinyoung can offer besides that, and he hopes that it’s enough. “I’ll do anything you want, just ask.” 

“Damn,” Yugyeom bites. “I didn’t realize you liked him that much.” 

“I’m in love with him,” Jinyoung sighs. “And I hate it. They’re both happy and everything sucks.” 

“I’ll do it,” Yugyeom gives in. He looks a lot softer now, minus all the food and spit that clings to his chin. 

“Really?” Jinyoung says, sounding brighter this time. 

“But this better be worth it,” Yugyeom says, and crosses his arms across his chest. “And you better keep your promises.” 

“It will be worth it,” Jinyoung nods. “I promise.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! wow. what a rollercoaster everyone has been through in the last week. I hope everyone is doing well and taking care. Also Happy New Year!! 
> 
> I started working on this right after Christmas, and I.. just wanted to do something a little fun!! and a mild break from all the porn. (but also, this will eventually have some porn ahead, so sit tight) 
> 
> I'll also be keeping this piece public for now, but in the future when I finish it it will be userlocked. 
> 
> feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned) or discord!


	2. caught in the storm

Jinyoung meets Jackson out for lunch on a rainy day. It’s a crowded lunch spot, a place on The Ave with cheap sushi. It’s just like their college days— before Jackson dropped out and moved on to other things. Jinyoung is sitting quietly while Jackson orders his food, and tries to distract himself by playing with the straw in his drink. He still hasn’t met Jackson’s eyes this entire time— avoiding the glare he’s going to get when he knows Jackson is mad at him. 

“So,” Jackson clears his throat. “How did your first class of the year go?” 

Jinyoung pretends to stare at the menu again, even after he already placed his order. His throat feels dry, and Jinyoung reaches out for his glass of water again until Jackson tries to stop him. 

“It went well,” Jinyoung says quietly. “I just went through the syllabus with my students. Then I met up with my thesis advisor.” 

“That’s nice to hear,” Jackson replies. He doesn’t _sound_ mad. Jinyoung is suspicious, noticing how Jackson is dancing around the subject. Jinyoung’s not going to break first, and when the food arrives he shovels an entire portion of tempura into his mouth. 

Jackson doesn’t seem like he’s going to break either— not when he rivals Jinyoung by eating his food and ignoring him like he’s not even there. It already feels normal to Jinyoung. He’s used to it already, getting ignored by Jackson when he’s too busy with Jaebeom. It’s the same with Jaebeom even though they share an office together at the university. They both do their work in silence, and it’s quieter now that Jaebeom spends more time in his home office at Jackson’s place instead. 

There’s too much change, even if Jinyoung has always seen it coming. It’s his fault, anyway. Jinyoung should’ve known better than to set up Jaebeom with Jackson. He couldn’t help it, seeing how hard Jaebeom took his last break up. It had been months and Jinyoung just wanted Jaebeom to be happy, only he didn’t expect their casual hang outs to turn into something more. Jinyoung pretended to be blind to it. The way he kept seeing Jackson pop up on Jaebeom’s instagram story and all those nights that Jaebeom snuck him into their apartment. He knows they’re good together— he’s never seen Jaebeom so happy. That’s why Jinyoung can’t do anything to ruin it. 

“Jinyoung,” Jackson says. He waves his hand in front of Jinyoung’s face, snapping him out of his trance entirely. “I’m sorry.” 

“Mm?” Jinyoung hums. “What are you apologizing for?” 

“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about important things in your life,” Jackson continues. He looks just as hurt as Jaebeom did yesterday— and Jinyoung just lets the guilty feeling sit in his stomach. “I know things have been different, but I just want you to know that I’m always here.” 

“It’s—” Jinyoung stutters. He doesn’t know what else to say. Every speech he wrote in his head is somehow failing him, and Jackson staring at him with those big puppy eyes just makes everything worse. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell anyone.” 

“It was a surprise,” Jackson smiles. “Yugyeom, out of everyone?” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung laughs just to ease the tension, and now he feels a bit more relaxed. “I was surprised too. I don’t think I ever saw him that way before.” 

Yugyeom has grown a lot over these last few years— and Jinyoung still doesn’t know how to feel about that. It’s been different after the party, especially after the kiss. Jinyoung didn’t expect him to be so good at it, thinking about the way Yugyeom carefully tilted his chin up while his lips were so soft and inviting. It was nice and it made Jinyoung feel good. He’s been starved for attention this entire time, the weeks fading into months until Jackson and Jaebeom slowly started fading out of his life. Yugyeom made him feel something. It’s only platonic affection, but he’s never felt so wanted. All this time he’s spent feeling alone on the sidelines while witnessing everyone else, it almost feels like Jinyoung’s reliving the earlier years of their friendship. Jackson right next to him, and Jaebeom staying by his side no matter what. 

“You two look good together,” Jackson says. His tone is light, and Jinyoung can tell that he’s thrilled about the entire situation despite all of the truths. “We can finally go on double dates now!” 

“Double dates?” Jinyoung laughs again. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea.” 

“No, it’ll be really fun,” Jackson pouts. “We can go mini golfing, or you can finally participate in the charity soccer game during the summer.” 

Jinyoung rolls his eyes. Jackson’s summer charity soccer games consisted of one rule. Everyone had to bring a partner— the teams going in four by four formats instead of a traditional game. Jinyoung never participated for this very reason, especially since Mark and BamBam always paired up and left Jinyoung dry while Yugyeom was suspiciously out of town for the week. Jaebeom is terrible at sports, but Jackson’s enough of a professional to make it up for the both of them. 

“I’ll stick to watching, thanks,” Jinyoung sighs. “For double dates, I’ll have to ask Yugyeom.” 

“No pressure,” Jackson smiles. He’s still as excited as ever— his eyes sparkling at the mere idea of it. “I have pre-season soon anyway. I’m starting next week and then at the beginning of February until Valentine’s day I’ll be in Arizona.” 

“Ah, that’s a bummer,” Jinyoung frowns. He tries not to be secretly happy about it— Valentine’s day spent together probably would’ve made Jinyoung more miserable. “What will Jaebeom be doing?” 

“We have plans,” Jackson winks. “None that you need to know about.” 

“Okay,” Jinyoung scoffs. “I’m _eating_.” 

“Thanks for this,” Jackson says, sounding more earnest this time. He looks less hurt now, and it makes Jinyoung’s heart soar even if it's not in the way that he wants it. Jinyoung thinks that he’ll always want more from Jackson than he can ever give, even if it’s not fair. 

“Yeah, this has been nice,” Jinyoung says, and forces the corners of his lips up to form a small smile. It’s been a while since the two of them met just like this— between Jackson’s busy schedule as a soccer player and all the times Jinyoung has narrowly avoided having to third wheel. He likes spending time with the both of them, but not at the expense of his own happiness. 

“We should do this more often,” Jackson adds. “When I’m not busy—” 

It’s always the same. Jackson’s too busy between games, promotions, and Jaebeom to hang out as regularly as they did before. Jinyoung understands it, since he’s busy enough on his own. It’s harder because Jinyoung doesn’t know how Jaebeom can balance everything so easily when they’re both in the same PhD program. 

“You know I’ll always come to your games,” Jinyoung says, and smiles for real this time just as Jackson gives him his brightest. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

“And that is why you’re my best friend.” 

Jinyoung still has such a visceral reaction to that word. _Friend_. That’s the only thing that Jackson is ever going to be to him. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s too late for regrets now, too late to do anything else without hurting anyone in the process. All Jinyoung can do is clench his fists under the table while smiling one last time. Jackson never notices, matching Jinyoung’s supposed enthusiasm when he leaves the table to pay for the check. 

He takes a minute to finally check his phone while Jackson is gone— seeing a notification from Yugyeom flash across his screen. It’s a text in all caps, with nothing else written besides **_U R G E N T_**. **PICK ME UP AT MY PLACE**.

Jinyoung types up a quick reply, sending off a text that he’ll be there as soon as he can. He knows he’ll regret it, but he puts a bit of cash on the table as an extra tip and leaves the restaurant without saying goodbye to Jackson. Their cars are parked side by side in the limited parking space, and Jinyoung doesn’t look back before getting into his car and driving off. 

* * *

Yugyeom’s so-called emergency ended up being a tattoo appointment that BamBam couldn’t take him to. The tattoo parlor isn’t even that far from Yugyeom’s apartment, something around a twenty minute walk but in the January rain seems a lot worse. Yugyeom’s apparently no stranger to tattoos, and Jinyoung is shocked the moment Yugyeom takes his shirt off at the beginning of his appointment. It’s another thing that Jinyoung didn’t want to admit. He wonders if Yugyeom’s always been this hot, or if he’s just been spending way too much time thinking about Jackson.

He has to stay, since Jinyong promised to do anything Yugyeom asked. This was one of those times, and Yugyeom just gives him an amused look while Jinyoung sits and watches. He’s never been interested in getting a tattoo of his own, but that doesn’t mean that Jinyoung can’t sit and appreciate an artist’s work. Even if Yugyeom is half naked. He doesn’t watch the entire time, occasionally scrolling through his phone while he ignores the red (1) next to Jackson’s name. He still hasn’t opened the text, or even looked at the preview. 

“You know,” Yugyeom says, and leans his head against the table. Jinyoung’s watching again, mostly since Yugyeom’s laying on his side now and Jinyoung doesn’t have to try hard _not_ to stare at Yugyeom’s naked upper half. “You should take a picture. Post it on your Instagram story.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung scoffs. “Who would want to see a picture of you half naked on a table?” 

“I’m just saying,” Yugyeom sing-songs. “That a certain someone, who is on Instagram, like, ninety percent of the time might see it,” he adds. “Just a suggestion.” 

“Whatever,” Jinyoung rolls his eyes. 

“Okay,” Yugyeom sighs. “Your loss.” 

It’s not a bad idea. It’s a great one, and Jinyoung discreetly tries to hold up his phone while Yugyeom gives him the same, smug look that he did earlier. He doesn’t say anything else, and smiles for the photo while Jinyoung is insistent on pretending that he’s not taking it. He has it ready to post, trying to figure out what caption to even put. He’s always been pretty minimal on Instagram, and only learned how to use the story function a few months ago because BamBam taught him how. 

He bites down on his lip, and uploads it with no caption at all. The last time he posted on Instagram was last year— just a blurry picture of the view of the city from Jackson’s townhouse. It only takes another second for Jinyoung’s phone to go off again, another red notification bubble with growing notifications from Jackson’s number. Jinyoung decides to open his texts, seeing a flurry from messages from Jackson. He has to scroll to the beginning— only to feel guilty seeing the first message. 

**JW** : Hey. Why’d you leave without saying goodbye?   
**JW** : OHHHHHH OHHHH I SEE   
**JW** : YOU GET A BOYFRIEND AND NOW YOU’RE IGNORING ME?   
**JW** : WE GET IT!!! HYOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW AND HE LOOKS GOOD WITHOUT A SHIRT ON AND HE HAS TATTOOS   
**JW** : I CANT BELIEVE U DIDN’T TELL ME   
**JW** : ngl the wings on his back are hot   
**JW** : don’t screenshot that or send that to jaebeom pls 

**JY** : hahah yeah sorry yugyeom texted me and said it was an emergency. I was freaked out and i left and it turns out he was just late for his appointment. Sorry 

**JW** : at least reply next time!!! ur still a bad texter   
**JW** : also txt me the name of his artist when ur done. Ive been thinking abt getting a new tat soon 

**JY** : k 

He goes back to Instagram just to check his story. BamBam also had to show him how to see the people who viewed your story, and Jinyoung had no idea that people also got notified if you screenshotted someone else’s story. He’s never done it before, and when Jinyoung checks his post he notices that at least three people have viewed it— Jackson, Jaebeom, and Mark. 

“Hey,” Yugyeom says, and taps right onto Jinyoung’s phone screen. “I’m done.” 

“Already?” Jinyoung asks in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Yugyeom nods. “I just got some touch-ups on my dandelion tattoo and got this new one,” he explains, running his fingers just right underneath the new one across his ribs. Jinyoung almost wants to reach out and feel Yugyeom’s skin underneath his fingertips. He does it without even thinking, and Yugyeom pulls his shirt down before Jinyoung even touches his skin. 

“Sorry,” Jinyoung says, and pulls his hand back. “Does it hurt?” 

“I’ll manage,” Yugyeom shrugs. “I’m used to it.” 

“Okay,” Jinyoung tilts the corners of his lips up slightly, forming a closed smile. 

“So are you going to buy me dinner?” Yugyeom asks. 

“God,” Jinyoung groans. “You’re really going to get the most out of this, aren’t you?” 

“Of course I am,” Yugyeom grins. “Plus we can take more pictures to post on Instagram.” 

“From one broke grad student to another,” Jinyoung sighs. “You should really take my budget into consideration.” 

Jinyoung’s already tallying up the numbers in his head. Extra gas, and even more on rent since Jaebeom moved out. His place is too big for one person, even though Jaebeom said he’d pay his owed rent for the next three months before Jinyoung has to find a new roommate. 

“Hey,” Yugyeom says, his voice more stern this time. “Didn’t you say you’d do anything I asked?” 

“Yes,” Jinyoung grumbles. “I did.”

They spend a few minutes inside the tattoo parlor, scrolling through their phones and trying to find a good place to order takeout. It’s still pouring down rain outside— harder than it was earlier. The street is almost leveled with rain, the sound even drawing out the background music in the tattoo parlor. 

Once they settle on a place to eat, Jinyoung insists on getting the car and letting Yugyeom wait inside where it’s dry. Yugyeom doesn’t budge, following behind Jinyoung on his way back to the car. Jinyoung shrugs off his jacket, and hands it right to Yugyeom. 

“You can’t get your tattoo wet,” Jinyoung reminds him. “Right?” 

“Good point,” Yugyeom says, and holds Jinyoung’s jacket over his head like an umbrella. “We could share and make a run for it?” 

“We can try,” Jinyoung says dryly. 

He stands closer to Yugyeom, so close that the jacket barely covers the both of them. It’s almost awkward, having to move in step while the both of them try not to get drenched. The rain splashes against their ankles, leaving Jinyoung’s shoes almost completely soaked through while the two of them attempt to make a run for it. Yugyeom has one arm around his shoulder, pulling Jinyoung in close every time his head moves slightly out from under the jacket. He’s too close, and just as warm as a furnace. 

They both make it to Jinyoung’s car in one piece— minus the rain completely drenching his jacket. Jinyoung tosses it in the backseat, and he turns on the engine right away to get the car warmed up. The windows are already visibly foggy, and Jinyoung just sighs and rests his head against the steering wheel. 

“I hate the rain,” Jinyoung groans. 

“My tattoo didn’t get wet,” Yugyeom says. “Thanks again.” 

“I’m just marking off my list on all the favors I owe you,” Jinyoung admits. “Does that count?” 

“No, but nice try,” Yugyeom laughs. “Let’s go, I’m hungry.” 

The car is decently warm, and the windows are visibly less foggy. It’s still a little hard to see at night, with the rain pouring down while Jinyoung tries his best to navigate his way through the city. He’s always hated driving in Seattle— even though it’s been years he still prefers driving around his quiet suburb at home compared to the hills and cramped streets. By the time he gets to the place where he and Yugyeom decided to eat, there’s already a decent crowd waiting outside the restaurant and Jinyoung wonders if he should just turn around and go back home now. 

“Should we—” Jinyoung nods over at the empty parking spot, and he’s still terrible at parallel parking. “Should we try?” 

“Nah,” Yugyeom shakes his head. “It’s not worth it. I’ll call for takeout and we can eat at your place since it’s closer.” 

“You’re a lifesaver,” Jinyoung praises him, and lightly punches Yugyeom’s shoulder before turning around the block. He listens while Yugyeom orders on the phone— something just a block away from Jinyoung’s apartment. 

The drive is quiet. It’s the nice kind of silence— the kind where the radio is gently humming in the background while the sound of the rain adds to the ambience. It’s calming, driving on nights like this when the rain starts letting up. He can hear Yugyeom quietly humming along to the radio, and Jinyoung turns the volume up a little just for him. 

Jinyoung can’t remember the last time he actually spent time with Yugyeom. Other than these last few days, Jinyoung thinks the two of them might have hung out the least out of everyone else in their friend group. Jinyoung usually split the majority of his time between Jackson and Jaebeom—especially since he’s known Jaebeom since high school. 

“We’ve never hung out like this before,” Jinyoung says out loud. They’re at a stoplight, and Jinyoung looks over at Yugyeom for a brief moment. He’s tilting his head, as if he’s trying to remember the last time that they were out together.

“I think,” Yugyeom murmurs. “We pre-gamed before Jackson’s home opener last year.” 

“No, no,” Jinyoung shakes his head. “BamBam was there, remember?” 

“No, he wasn’t,” Yugyeom insists. “BamBam’s the director of media for the team, he would’ve been at the stadium at that time.” 

“Oh,” Jinyoung breathes. “Yeah, you’re right, he runs the twitter account and stuff?” 

“I never realized,” Yugyeom laughs. “Maybe this will be fun for the both of us.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods. “Maybe it will.” 

* * *

Jinyoung doesn’t know how dinner turns into a couple of drinks afterwards. On a Monday night, it’s probably too early in the week but Jinyoung thinks that the both of them just don’t care. Yugyeom decided to stay the night, with the promise of sleeping in Jaebeom’s old bedroom. Everything in Jinyoung’s apartment was half empty and sad looking, with one of Nora’s old cat food bowls left on the ground. He didn’t realize how fond of her he was until now, and Jinyoung still feels sad, bitter, and alone. 

“We get it,” Yugyeom sighs. “We’re both alone and single.” 

“What?” Jinyoung asks. 

“You said that out loud,” Yugyeom explains. “Sad, bitter, and alone.” 

“Oh,” Jinyoung says, and stares down into his empty glass of whiskey. He wasn’t terribly drunk, just mildly tipsy. His face is probably red by now, the hot flush of alcohol making his skin turn red. “Well, Mark and Bam aren’t dating anyone either.” 

“Might as well be dating each other at this point,” Yugyeom says, and leans on Jinyoung’s shoulder. They’re too close again— with Yugyeom’s body heat radiating just as much warmth as it did in the rain. “You know Mark has hooked up with everyone, right?” 

“Wait,” Jinyoung sets his glass down, and moves Yugyeom’s head so he’s more comfortable against his shoulder. “When he said at that party—” 

“Jaebeom,” Yugyeom interrupts. “Youngjae, Jackson, BamBam, and me.” 

“Am I the only one who hasn’t slept with Mark?” Jinyoung wonders out loud. 

“I just said,” Yugyeom groans. “You’re no fun.” 

“Well,” Jinyoung says, and places his hand on Yugyeom’s forehead. “You’re a little warm.” 

“It’s just nice,” Yugyeom coos, and clings to Jinyoung’s side. “Does it surprise you?” 

“Does what surprise me?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Me and Mark,” Yugyeom adds. “Sleeping together.” 

It does surprise him. Jinyoung’s still having trouble seeing Yugyeom as something more. He’s still hung up over it, even if Yugyeom kissed him a few nights ago. Jinyoung just wonders how he’s so good at it, and what else Yugyeom has picked up. He’s always seen Yugyeom as that tall, awkward and gangly freshmen in his quiz section, and now he’s something else. 

“You’re a baby,” Jinyoung settles on saying. “Since when—” 

“I’m not a baby, Jinyoung,” Yugyeom says, and lightly punches Jinyoung in the chest. It doesn’t hurt, but he gets Yugyeom’s intent. “When was the last time _you_ even had sex?” 

Jinyoung’s tipsy, but not enough to spill all his secrets immediately. He can’t even recall all the times— probably a long time ago, when he and Jaebeom used to hook up. Jinyoung thinks it’s funny because he’s always known, Jaebeom’s a little fussy and needy when it comes to getting what he wants. He wonders what Jackson said at the party when he confessed— finding out everyone’s shock when it comes to Jaebeom’s sexual preferences. Jinyoung feels a little pathetic now, when he realizes that the last time he got off was probably when he was watching one of those Sounders FC workout videos that showed Jackson’s body in passing. 

“Jinyoung?” Yugyeom asks. 

“Yeah?” 

“You know we could always—” Yugyeom rubs at his eyes, and snuggles even closer to Jinyoung’s side. “If you wanted to.” 

“Go to sleep, Yugyeom,” Jinyoung sighs, and places his palm against Yugyeom’s forehead again. “You’re drunk.” 

* * *

Jinyoung wakes up to his phone alarm vibrating somewhere between the couch cushions. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, and he also doesn’t remember at what point he and Yugyeom ended up tangled together on the couch like this. Yugyeom’s head is resting against his chest and Jinyoung feels terrible about waking him up. He doesn’t know what time it is, but judging from the lights in his apartment, it’s probably just after nine. 

He has a late meeting today on campus— office hours with his students in the afternoon. Jinyoung tries to move without waking up Yugyeom, but the second he stretches his arm out, Yugyeom clings to his shirt. 

“Mm,” Yugyeom hums. “Don’t go.” 

“Don’t you have a seminar at noon?” Jinyoung asks. He’s not even sure if Yugyeom’s fully awake yet, with his eyes screwed shut and half his face pressed against Jinyoung’s shirt. 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom mumbles. “But it’s still early.” 

“Don’t you have a research proposal to write up too?” Jinyoung reminds him. “The program will bite you for that.” 

“We’re not even in the same one,” Yugyeom complains. “Just leave me be and let me procrastinate.” 

“If you don’t get up now, I won’t give you a ride to campus,” Jinyoung adds. “Plus I don’t think any of my clothes will fit you.” 

“You’re right,” Yugyeom groans. “I’ll get up.” 

They’re both a little slow, Yugyeom rolling off of the couch first while Jinyoung stretches to shake the pain out of his lower back. Jinyoung shuffles across his apartment like a zombie, rubbing at his eyes while he tries to ignore the dull headache that’s starting to kick in. He tries to get ready as fast as he can, changing into a new pair of clothes while he tries to brush his teeth at the same time. When he peeks out past the bathroom door, he notices Yugyeom sitting on the couch again— hair sticking up with his eyes half closed. He looks like he's asleep, with a bit of drool spilling down his chin. 

Jinyoung debates on saying something, anything to get Yugyeom up. They still have some time to drive back to Yugyeom’s place and get to campus on time without traffic being terrible, so Jinyoung decides to let him get some more sleep. Even if Jinyoung saw Yugyeom in passing most days on campus, he could tell that Yugyeom was tired. He’s only in his first year of his master’s program, so Jinyoung was going to try and help Yugyeom out when he could, even if it’s just for another favor. 

His bag is already propped up next to the door, left behind from when Jinyoung couldn’t bother to unpack his things last night and get any work done. It was only the first week of the quarter— so Jinyoung still had time to make up for things later. Before he wakes up Yugyeom, Jinyoung manages to grab one of the last water bottles from his fridge. He walks over as quietly as possible, letting his socks drag across the hardwood floor while he presses the cold bottle to Yugyeom’s forehead. 

“Mm,” Yugyeom groans. “I don’t want to go to class today.” 

“You have to,” Jinyoung says, and unscrews the cap of the water bottle for him. “Drink up and then we’ll go to your place.” 

After Yugyeom downs half the bottle, Jinyoung has to pull Yugyeom by the collar just to get him off the couch and out of the apartment. They’re both still slow and tired, and Jinyoung has to make sure that Yugyeom doesn’t trip on his way down the stairs. It’s an effort, with Yugyeom now clinging to Jinyoung’s back while it’s almost impossible for him to get down the stairs. Jinyoung has to dump him into the passenger seat— and before he can buckle Yugyeom’s seatbelt for him, Yugyeom places his hand on top of his. 

“I don’t need help,” Yugyeom insists. 

“Okay,” Jinyoung laughs. “You’re not making a good case for convincing me that you’re not a baby anymore.” 

“You’ll see,” Yugyeom grumbles. “Just drive already.” 

* * *

After Yugyeom gets changed and picks up his books at home, they both manage to make it to campus in one piece. They both end up walking in opposite directions— with Yugyeom’s seminar on the other side of campus from Jinyoung’s office. He feels like there’s something missing, when Yugyeom happens to turn around the same time Jinyoung turns his head to look back. He’s standing right in front of the communications building, watching while Yugyeom gives him one last wave before walking off past the grass. 

There’s a crowd of students inside the building— waiting for one of the bigger lecture halls to be empty. Jinyoung navigates his way around the students, opting to take the stairs instead of waiting for one of the crowded elevators. It’s always busier in the morning, compared to the nights when Jinyoung leaves his office after dark. When he gets to his office— it’s no surprise that it’s empty. Jaebeom has started coming by a lot less, and after he fully moved in with Jackson, Jinyoung started to utilize the full space of their shared office. 

Jaebeom’s desk is left empty, sitting against the wall right next to an old couch that they shoved into the corner of the room for breaks and random naps after being holed up in their offices all day while catching up on work. They both preferred it over the library, although the two of them occasionally had to make the walk over when it came to gathering all their needed materials. 

Only, it’s different now. They’re both in the third year of their program, and further into their thesis work that it’s almost like they’re on entirely different schedules. It’s another thing Jinyoung has had to adjust to— the change when it comes to the point where they’re at different places when it comes to their research. Jaebeom’s been busy growing his YouTube channel while he connects it with his work, while Jinyoung feels like he still has no idea what he’s doing. 

He sits in his office alone, staring at the blank document screen on his monitor. There’s no students coming in for office hours, and Jinyoung doesn’t want to do anything else. He knows he should get a head start on the one reading he has to do— but he doesn’t. He lets the stack of papers sit on top of his desk, and wonders how he’s even gone through three years of a program without even feeling like he belongs here. He thinks it must’ve been a fluke, his acceptance coming at the same time as Jaebeom’s, while the two of them are in a cohort of five students. He still feels inadequate, falling a step behind everyone else. 

It’s just past noon now— and Jinyoung stares down at the clock, realizing that Yugyeom’s seminar has already started. It’s only another two hours, and Yugyeom said he’d drop by so Jinyoung could help him go over one of his essays. He’s still tired, feeling the same headache from this morning start to creep in while Jinyoung finally attempts to do some of his reading. 

It’s all half-assed when he only reads the first and last paragraph while he skims and highlights random pieces of texts. It’s a routine by now, only comparing notes with Jaebeom when he has the chance. There’s only so many times Jinyoung can read about film theory before his head starts to implode. It’s ingrained already, the same routine that Jinyoung’s had since finishing his last degree. After skimming through what feels like 400 pages, Jinyoung rests his head against the desk, balling his hand up in a fist before lightly slamming it against the table. 

He still has another book to skim, something that his advisor recommended for this dissertation. It has a long, wordy title and it’s waiting to be picked up by Jinyoung at the library. He almost doesn’t want to go at this point, but he knows he needs at least one more source if he’s going to start his process more efficiently. It doesn’t even feel like he’s been resting for that long, and when he turns his head up he can see Yugyeom through his office window, knocking right on the glass. 

“It’s open,” Jinyoung calls out.

“Remind me why I applied to graduate school again,” Yugyeom sighs, and throws his bag right on the floor next to the couch. He makes himself comfortable, laying on the couch even though his legs hang off the armrest because he’s too tall. 

“I guess I could use a reminder, too,” Jinyoung mumbles. 

“It’s because you’re smart and you know what you’re doing,” Yugyeom sighs again. “I’m a mess, and I feel like I’m the dumbest person in my class.” 

“You’re not dumb,” Jinyoung says. He knows Yugyeom is smarter than he lets on. “Imposter syndrome sucks.” 

“It sucks,” Yugyeom groans. “I mean, how am I supposed to talk during seminars when I keep getting interrupted? It’s like I’m the one getting silenced this time.” 

“Have you talked to your professor?” Jinyoung asks. 

“I—” Yugyeom stutters. “No.” 

“I know sometimes it sucks, and there are times you’ll still feel like a kid,” Jinyoung explains. “But they’ll treat you like a colleague instead of a student. There’s a line where they forget, that you’re also trying to learn and make the most out of your experience. The further you get, the more precautions you have to take when it comes to advocating for yourself.” Jinyoung’s learned this the hard way. Professors that he used to admire, and other works going down the drain because no matter how progressive and open people may seem, there are still slip ups when it comes to their work and how they teach their curriculum. 

“You’re right,” Yugyeom says. “I should talk to my professor. My advisor too.” 

“Good,” Jinyoung smiles. “Is there anything else you need help with?” 

“Just my critical response paper for the week,” Yugyeom groans. “If I have to read over this one more time—” 

“Just hand it over,” Jinyoung says, and holds out his hand. 

Yugyeom ends up getting up from the couch— only to get his laptop out of his bag. Jinyoung watches while he opens it up, typing something onto his laptop before standing up again so he can grab the chair by Jaebeom’s empty desk. 

“I emailed it to you,” Yugyeom says, and scoots the chair over until Jinyoung’s made enough space for the both of them to sit at his desk. 

They spend a few hours going over Yugyeom’s paper— It’s only five pages, nothing that long compared to Yugyeom’s other assignments. Jinyoung’s starting to get tired and hungry, and he watches out of the corner of his eye while Yugyeom types away at his laptop. He’s hunched over the desk, and Jinyoung places his hand on Yugyeom’s back just to get him to straighten up. 

Yugyeom doesn’t say anything, and adjusts his posture slightly while he keeps typing. There were just a few things he wanted to fix— after both of them discussed some of the content of Yugyeom’s paper. It’s just what Jinyoung thought— that Yugyeom’s always been smart, he just needs a little push to get his ideas organized for his class. 

It’s closer to five now, and Jinyoung’s already called it for the day. He managed to get some of his own reading done, minus the book he still needs to pick up at the library. He turns off his monitor at the same time Yugyeom closes his laptop. He wonders if they should get dinner together again, and Jinyoung’s already taking out his phone to pick somewhere to eat that’s off campus and closer to Yugyeom.

Yugyeom’s already packing his stuff away without a word, and when Jinyoung looks up at the door, he’s surprised to see a familiar face. 

“Jaebeom?” Jinyoung asks. “What are you doing here?” 

“I just needed to pick up some books I left here before break,” Jaebeom answers. “What are you two doing?” 

“We were just working,” Jinyoung clears his throat. “And we were going to have dinner.” 

Jinyoung reaches over, placing his hand right on top of Yugyeom’s thigh. He squeezes it lightly, and Yugyeom only shoots him a confused look. 

“I was going to take him out,” Jinyoung adds. “Celebratory week.” 

“You know,” Jaebeom pauses, and takes the time to collect some of his books into his bag. “Jackson’s free. I was going to go home and cook dinner for the both of us. We’d really like it if the both of you could come.” 

“Babe,” Jinyoung says, and squeezes Yugyeom’s thigh again. “What do you think?” 

He’s hoping Yugyeom will get the message, that he’ll tell Jaebeom _no_ and that the two of them are very busy with their own dinner plans. He’s basically pinching into Yugyeom’s skin at this point, digging his nails right into Yugyeom’s thigh. 

“Yes,” Yugyeom bites. “We’d love to.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello.. i know i promised there would be porn.. it's been a wild january. SOON!!! SOON. 
> 
> as always, feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned)


	3. and i go down blazing

Jinyoung spends most of the drive over to Jaebeom and Jackson’s place in silence. He turns up the radio, and every time Yugyeom reaches over to turn down the volume, Jinyoung slaps his hand away before he can do anything. Jinyoung’s beyond being mad, he’s just tired and wishes that he was at home right now instead of sitting in mild traffic. 

“Are you mad?” Yugyeom asks quietly. 

“No,” Jinyoung insists. “Why did you say yes?” 

“Jaebeom cooks really good food,” Yugyeom says. “And we eat criminal amounts of takeout.” 

“Fine,” Jinyoung sighs. “I guess dinner will be okay.” 

They end up parking a few blocks away from Jackson’s place, and Jinyoung only follows behind Yugyeom while walking on the sidewalk. He’s a bit slow, walking in Yugyeom’s shadow. He doesn’t even notice when Yugyeom stops in his place, letting Jinyoung bump right into his back. 

“Here,” Yugyeom says, and holds out his hand. 

“What?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Hold my hand,” Yugyeom stubbornly links their hands together, and Jinyoung’s hand is already sweaty and clammy. 

He doesn’t say anything else, following behind Yugyeom while he’s dragging him to the doorstep of Jackson’s place. It’s only been over a week and a half since they were last here— the New Year’s party already feels like it was ages ago. Yugyeom rings the doorbell, while Jinyoung hides slightly behind Yugyeom’s shoulder. 

“Hey!” Jackson greets when he opens the door. “You both made it.” 

“Jaebeom came by our office,” Jinyoung says. “We just had to say _yes_.” 

They follow Jackson inside past the door, and Jinyoung hides behind Yugyeom. He still hasn’t seen or texted Jackson after leaving him at the sushi restaurant. Yugyeom finally does him a favor by letting go of his hand, and Jinyoung stays behind in the living room while he watches Yugyeom follow Jackson into the kitchen. 

It’s quiet, minus the clock that hangs on the wall and ticks loudly to remind Jinyoung that he’s in someone else’s home. He ends up sitting on the same couch as he did at the party— letting his body sink into the plush pillows of the couch while he can hear Yugyeom and Jackson laughing in the kitchen. It’s still weird. It still feels different. He takes a minute to check his phone— just to make sure he didn’t miss any emails even though he refreshes his inbox non-stop. 

“Hey,” Jaebeom says, and sits right next to Jinyoung on the couch. “Put your phone away, everyone you know is here.” 

“I don’t see anyone else here besides us,” Jinyoung looks around the room, and wonders if Jaebeom invited the rest of their friends too. “Is anyone else coming?” Jinyoung thinks he might sound too hopeful, but he’d like a buffer. 

“No,” Jaebeom shakes his head. “Just us. Double date.” 

“Alright,” Jinyoung sighs. “Where do you need me? Should I set the table?” 

“Follow me,” Jaebeom says. 

Jinyoung never paid much attention to the surroundings in Jackson and Jaebeom’s new home. It was expensive, but everything was decorated to their tastes. Jackson’s Sounders jersey hanging right above the fireplace, along with Jaebeom’s silver play button from YouTube. Jinyoung gives it one glance, letting his fingertips graze along the edge of the display. 

“Jinyoung?” Jaebeom asks. 

“Mm?” Jinyoung hums. 

“Nevermind,” Jaebeom shrugs. “Let’s go.” 

He follows Jaebeom right into the kitchen— alongside where Jackson and Yugyeom are leaning on one of the counters next to the oven. It looks even more spacious than Jinyoung remembered, and he stands awkwardly while Jaebeom hands him sets of plates to hold. He wonders what Yugyeom and Jackson have been talking about, especially when the both of them are staring at Jinyoung. Yugyeom just flashes him a smile— and Jinyoung tries not to visibly roll his eyes. He still doesn’t know what game Yugyeom is playing, and he can’t tell if it’s in his favor or not. 

Jaebeom guides him this time, putting his hands on Jinyoung’s shoulders while he leads him to the dining room. Jinyoung starts placing the plates on the table, and he’s so preoccupied with himself that he misses when Jaebeom starts asking him questions. 

“How’s school?” Jaebeom asks. 

“Same as always,” Jinyoung shrugs, and carefully arranges the forks and knives on the table. “How about you? How’s the channel?” 

“I just filmed a video today,” Jaebeom answers. “Jackson’s going to do one of those videos where he does my voiceover.” 

“Oh,” Jinyoung laughs. “Cute.” 

Jinyoung can almost picture it now— Jackson being disgustingly sweet while he is extremely knowledgeable about everything in Jaebeom’s _get ready with me_ videos. He remembers the last time he watched one— where Jackson did Jaebeom’s makeup and kept mistaking blush for eyeshadow. It was the video that shot Jaebeom up over 100,000 subscribers, and Jinyoung just plasters on another fake smile on his face. 

He makes sure all the plates on the table are all neat— arranged so that they’re all equally spaced. He’s overthinking it, making sure that everything is perfect until Jaebeom places his hand over his. 

“You can go wait with Yugyeom,” Jaebeom smiles. “Jackson and I will tell you when dinner is ready.” 

Jinyoung walks back to the living room alone— only to see Yugyeom sitting on one of the single chairs by himself. He’s scrolling through his phone, and Jinyoung stands next to the chair just to peer over Yugyeom’s phone screen. Yugyeom’s quicker than him though, immediately locking his phone and putting it back in his pocket before Jinyoung could even see anything. 

“What are you looking at?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Nothing,” Yugyeom insists. “When’s dinner?” 

“Why won’t you show me?” Jinyoung presses. “Is it something…?” 

“Do I have to show you everything?” Yugyeom grumbles. 

“You’re doing it again,” Jinyoung says. “You’re just a shy baby.” 

Jinyoung’s a little impulsive when he decides to sit down on Yugyeom’s lap and tries to wrangle Yugyeom’s phone out of his pocket. He’s grabbing at Yugyeom’s sides, digging his hands just slightly under Yugyeom’s shirt to feel his skin. He’s warm and ticklish, and Yugyeom retaliates by wrapping his hands around Jinyoung’s waist. Jinyoung doesn’t stop, digging his fingers underneath Yugyeom’s pocket while Yugyeom holds onto his waist and tries to push him back.

Yugyeom’s face is pink, and Jinyoung laughs when he fully sits down on Yugyeom’s lap. His grip is tight, and Jinyoung squirms in his lap while he successfully manages to wrestle Yugyeom’s phone out. They’re both breathing heavily, Jinyoung holding Yugyeom’s phone above his head while he looks him in the eyes for the first time. 

“I’m not a baby,” Yugyeom breathes out. 

“Sure you aren’t,” Jinyoung says, just barely holding in his laugh. He adjusts himself on Yugyeom’s lap, holding his phone between his hands until Jinyoung feels like something is off. Yugyeom shifts underneath him, adjusting his hands on Jinyoung’s waist while he squirms against the couch. “What’s wrong?” Jinyoung asks. 

“I—” Yugyeom stutters. His face is pink, and Jinyoung drops Yugyeom’s phone on the chair in favor of cupping Yugyeom’s face with his hands. “Can you move just—” 

Jinyoung moves his hips, and Yugyeom’s hands drift down to Jinyoung’s thighs. They’re even closer like this, while Jinyoung leans forward until their noses are almost touching. Jinyoung feels like an idiot for not realizing— Yugyeom’s blushing and now Jinyoung notices. He’s hard, cock straining through his jeans and pressed between Jinyoung’s thighs. He almost stops breathing for a moment, Jinyoung feeling something flutter in his chest. 

“Sorry,” Jinyoung murmurs. “I’ll get off—” 

“Dinner is ready,” Jackson says, and clears his throat. 

Jinyoung freezes again. He didn’t even realize Jackson was standing there, and he doesn’t even know for how long. He’s more conscious now, letting his hands drift to the back of Yugyeom’s neck. He’s already forgotten about Yugyeom’s phone, fallen somewhere between the cushions of the chair. 

“We’ll be there in a bit,” Jinyoung laughs nervously. “We didn’t realize.” 

“I leave you alone for _five_ minutes,” Jackson rolls his eyes. “I knew you two were in your horny honeymoon phase.” 

Jinyoung ignores it. He ignores the pretty, red blush that spreads its way across Yugyeom’s cheeks, and the heat that he feels from Yugyeom’s neck. He slowly gets off from his lap, and Jinyoung tries not to let his fingers linger against Yugyeom’s skin. He’s barely standing now, still leaning against one of the armchairs while helping Yugyeom get up from the chair. Jinyoung turns away— mostly to avoid eye contact while Jackson stares at the both of them. 

“I’ll be waiting at the table, then,” Jackson nods, and disappears off into the kitchen again. Jinyoung takes a deep breath, and Yugyeom places his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. 

“Sorry,” Yugyeom says quietly. 

“It’s—” Jinyoung stutters. “It’s fine. Let’s just go eat.” 

* * *

Dinner is better than Jinyoung thought it would be. Yugyeom takes over for Jinyoung— answering most of Jackson and Jaebeom’s questions about their relationship. He wonders when Yugyeom had the time to think all of this through— creating a fake timeline for everything. He’s doing well, and all Jinyoung can do is bite down on his jaw while trying to get himself to relax. He’s still a little on edge, even if Yugyeom’s doing all the work. 

Jackson is watching him again, and all Jinyoung can do is stare back at him with a confused look. He’s never seen him look so invested. 

“Well,” Jackson says, and keeps his eyes locked on Jinyoung. “What about you? I want to hear your side of it.” 

Jinyoung’s suddenly more shy and conscious now. He thought he went over this already with Jackson during that time they had lunch, and Jackson’s only putting him on the spot again. He swallows his food, and lets his fork clatter against the plate while Jaebeom and Jackson eagerly await his answer. He doesn’t know what to say at all, and Yugyeom reaches over to link their fingers together underneath the table. 

It helps him breathe a little easier, and Jinyoung plasters another smile on his face. 

“It’s dumb,” Jinyoung laughs. “I don’t know, I think I liked him for a while. I was thinking about that time I went out with Yugyeom before one of your games, and there was this thing he did—” Jinyoung pauses, and he can’t believe he ever forgot about it. “We were just walking to the stadium together, and he put his hands inside my jacket pocket.”

“You remember that?” Yugyeom asks, and squeezes his hand. 

“Of course I remember,” Jinyoung says, and for the first time that night, he thinks his smile might finally be real. 

“That’s so cute,” Jaebeom gushes. “I didn’t know that.” 

“I think Yugyeom’s been surprising a lot of us lately,” Jinyoung adds. “In all the best ways.”

* * *

Jinyoung stays behind to help Jackson wash all of the dirty dishes. Jinyoung does the bulk of the work— washing the dishes and then handing them off to Jackson so he can dry them all off. He notices that their expensive-looking kitchen appliances hardly look used, but Jinyoung doesn’t say anything and turns off the tap water. 

“You’ve changed,” Jackson comments. 

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung laughs. “Haven't I always been the same?” 

“I don’t know,” Jackson shrugs. “You’re happier. I like that. I’m really happy for you.” 

Everything about Jackson is so genuine. He’s the one who’s always supported Jinyoung, held his hand through his master’s, and now this. Jinyoung wonders if he’ll ever even move on from Jackson. His heart sinks deep in his chest, and Jackson takes him by surprise by pulling him into a hug. He rubs soothing circles into Jinyoung’s back, and he takes a moment to close his eyes and rest his chin against Jackson’s shoulder. 

“Thanks, Jackson,” Jinyoung says, trying not to let his voice break. 

“I mean it,” Jackson adds. “I’m here for you, and you can always come talk to me.” 

“I know,” Jinyoung sighs. “Thanks for everything.” 

He takes a deep breath before letting go. It’s not exactly a goodbye. Jinyoung doesn’t know if he’ll be ready for that. It’s natural for him to feel this way. He’s had this feeling sitting in his chest for over seven years. Moving on from Jackson means change and Jinyoung’s already had too much of that in his life. It’s still scary, and when he looks at Jackson again, he can’t help but feel like everything is unfair. 

“Thanks for dinner,” Jinyoung says quietly. “It would be really fun if we could all go out again together.” 

“So that’s a yes to double dates?” Jackson asks, and gently prods Jinyoung in the chest. 

“Yes, but don’t make it too often,” Jinyoung says, and pulls his lips into a tight smile. “We’ll look forward to it.” 

* * *

Jinyoung doesn’t feel well enough to drive home. He lets Yugyeom take the keys, although he’s reluctant. He’s never seen Yugyeom drive— it’s a sight to see, with his one hand around the steering wheel with more confidence than Jinyoung is used to. Jinyoung decides to close his eyes and lean against the window instead. It’s comforting, knowing that he has someone even if it’s fake. He fades in and out of sleep; the low hum of the radio is enough to keep him drowsy but not entirely awake. 

His body feels limp— he’s tired of performing in front of Jackson. He wonders if it’s true. If he seems happier now. He doesn’t feel that way, and Jinyoung doesn’t think he has for a while. He bumps his forehead against the window, letting a sharp hiss escape from his lips while Yugyeom parks in Jinyoung’s normal spot by his building. 

“Are you okay?” Yugyeom asks, and places his hand on top of Jinyoung’s forehead. “It sounded pretty bad.” 

“I’m fine I’m just—” Jinyoung sighs. He doesn’t know what else to do. He wants to stop feeling guilty. He wants to stop feeling like Jaebeom and Jackson are taking something away from him. “It’s just unfair.” 

What he can never bring himself to say is his desperate plea for Jackson’s affection. He’s pathetic, waiting for something that will never be more than platonic after seven years of friendship. It still hurts just as fresh, the weight of it heavy in his chest while Jinyoung tries not to cry. Yugyeom’s hand is still on his forehead, his touch light and gentle when he moves down to wipe the stray tear from the corner of Jinyoung’s eye. 

“They’re not taking anything away from you,” Yugyeom says quietly. He lets his hand linger on Jinyoung’s cheek, and he holds in his breath. “You can’t blame Jackson for not feeling the same way. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t know.” 

“I know,” Jinyoung admits. 

“You love the both of them, right?” Yugyeom continues. “I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier.” 

“How can this get any easier?” Jinyoung asks. He’s tired of feeling this way, even if he knows Yugyeom is right. Jinyoung knows he needs to hear the truth, not some lie that someone is telling him just to comfort him. 

“Speaking from personal experience,” Yugyeom smiles, but Jinyoung notices the sad look in his eyes. “It won’t go away, but you’ll learn how to deal with it.” 

“Do you think you can stay over for the night?” Jinyoung asks, and tries not to sound too hopeful. He doesn’t want to be alone right now, and he wonders if Yugyeom feels the same.

“Yes,” Yugyeom nods. “I can.” 

Jinyoung leans forward, only when he reaches up to feel Yugyeom’s hand against his cheek, he pulls away. Yugyeom’s careful with him, unbuckling his seatbelt for him while he hands Jinyoung the keys. His hands are solid and warm, lingering when their fingers touch for just a brief moment. It’s comforting, and Jinyoung wishes that he’d clasp their fingers together again. 

“I have extra clothes in my backpack,” Yugyeom says suddenly. “So tomorrow we won’t be in a hurry.” 

Jinyoung hums in response, and holds tightly onto the keys. It’s an effort to get out of the car, but Yugyeom helps him— getting both of their bags from the back while Jinyoung makes his way up to unlock the door. He waits, leaning against the doorway with the dim light of the hallway to light up the room. He doesn’t turn on the lights, waiting until he sees Yugyeom come up the stairs with both of their bags in hand. 

He lets Yugyeom inside first, and follows behind him to lock the door. They’re both quiet now, and Jinyoung assumes Yugyeom is just as tired as he is. Yugyeom leaves their bags by the door, and before Yugyeom can leave and make his way to Jaebeom’s old bedroom, Jinyoung stops him by grabbing onto his hand. 

“Jaebeom’s room doesn’t have any sheets,” Jinyoung says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Come stay with me.” 

Yugyeom freezes, and Jinyoung can feel how stiff he is. His face is turned away from him, and Jinyoung can’t tell what he’s thinking. Yugyeom moves his arm a little, pulling until Jinyoung drops his hand from his grip. 

“Okay,” Yugyeom breathes out. “I’ll stay.” 

* * *

Jinyoung fills his days with Yugyeom. It’s easier this way, when they both find ways to see each other every day. He lets Yugyeom study in his office, and the two of them like to work in silence. It’s the company that Jinyoung has missed— when Jaebeom was still around before he started focusing on his channel and individualized study. 

He doesn’t even realize it, that they spend more days together than they do apart. Yugyeom stays over, and Jinyoung’s starting to notice the pile of Yugyeom’s clothes and own items growing around his apartment. He doesn’t know what any of it means right now, other than their friendship growing stronger than it was before. 

There are only a few odd days when he takes the time to make plans with Youngjae, BamBam, and Mark. He hasn’t seen them since New Year’s, and February is almost over. He doesn’t have any plans for now, and Jinyoung’s already looking up places to order takeout. He’s already minimized all his work tabs for the day, pushing the stack of papers to the corner of his desk while he hears Yugyeom make a sound from Jaebeom’s side of the office. 

“What?” Jinyoung asks. 

“I need help,” Yugyeom sighs. “My proposal is due by the end of the month, and my advisor hasn’t been answering any of my emails.” 

“Do you want me to go over it for you?” Jinyoung continues. He’s grown used to it by now, helping Yugyeom. He doesn’t mind, and the more Jinyoung hears about his advisor the angrier he gets. “We can email the department head after we finish.” 

“That’s—” Yugyeom laughs. “That’s the thing, he _is_ the department head.” 

“You’re joking,” Jinyoung’s draw nearly drops. “That’s irresponsible.” 

“He’s probably just busy,” Yugyeom shrugs. “It’s not a big deal.” 

“Of course it’s a big deal,” Jinyoung sighs, and scoots his chair closer to Yugyeom’s. “This impacts your schooling. You need to do this to graduate and move on to your second year.” 

“I dropped by his office earlier, and he said he would look at it— but he’s been saying that for the past five or six weeks,” Yugyeom buries his face into his hands, and Jinyoung can’t help but wrap his arms around him for a hug. 

“We’ll look at your proposal together,” Jinyoung says, and rubs his hand down Yugyeom’s back. “Then we’ll email your advisor and talk to the graduate school manager.” 

Yugyeom’s proposal isn’t bad, but Jinyoung pushes and guides him to tighten his topic. He’s too broad— covering too much for a project for his program. Jinyoung knows his works differently, something about a more independent approach and steering away from a traditional thesis. He’s doing something related to Asian American newspapers in the Pacific Northwest, and Jinyoung hasn’t heard of most of these newspapers. He skims through Yugyem’s proposal one last time, and talks him through it. 

Yugyeom’s mostly calmed down now, for the most part, listening to Jinyoung and taking in most of his feedback. Jinyoung’s not sure if it’ll help, but he knows soon he’ll have to invest some time into looking into some of the newspapers Yugyeom is talking about. Jinyoung makes some last comments. 

“It looks like you’re focusing on belonging and identity,” Jinyoung says, and highlights one of the sentences on Yugyeom’s laptop. “Since these papers are based in Seattle— I assume you’ve got archives of what you want to use?” 

“I have some scans, but I need to go back to look at all the microfilms and look for some more,” Yugyeom adds. “I was wondering if you could come with me?” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods. “We can leave after we email your advisor. What was his name again?” 

“Jon,” Yugyeom answers. 

“I’ll handle it, okay?” Jinyoung asks. “Worst case scenario is that you have to get a new advisor. Although I think I’d prefer it if you did.” 

Jinyoung types up an email while Yugyeom leans on his shoulder to watch. He’s more conscious now, typing a fast note while attaching Yugyeom’s edited proposal to it. There’s still some more time before the end of the month, and Jinyoung only hopes that nothing will be left to the last minute. He knows Yugyeom’s already stressed with other things, elective assignments, and leading a discussion seminar. 

He thinks he may have lucked out with his advisor— she’s amazing and Jinyoung wishes Yugyeom had a better experience. Once Jinyoung finishes typing up the email, he opens up Yugyeom’s tab of the different emails of each person in Yugyeom’s program. He pastes their emails into the CC line, hoping that some sort of public accountability will get Yugyeom’s advisor to taking some action. 

Yugyeom reads over it one last time before Jinyoung hits the send button. He watches as Yugyeom’s biting on his nails, while his finger hovers over the mousepad. 

“It’s good,” Yugyeom finally says. 

Jinyoung presses the send button without hesitation.

* * *

They spend their free day at the library. It’s early, just sometime after eight and Jinyoung keeps his hands warm by cupping his half-empty cup of coffee. He’s waiting for Yugyeom outside Suzzallo, right on top of the stairs while he watches various students shuffle by for their early morning classes. Last night was a rare occasion— Yugyeom mentioned some plans that he had with BamBam and couldn’t stay the night for their usual dinner plans. He’s expecting Yugyeom to be alone, until he squints and sees BamBam trailing behind Yugyeom on the square. 

It takes Jinyoung back a few years, flashing back to the two awkward freshmen who pestered Jinyoung after classes. They meet Jinyoung right on top of the steps, and BamBam’s leaning on Yugyeom’s shoulder. 

“Good morning,” BamBam says, sounding cheerful and bright. “Just dropping Yugyeom off before I have to film something here.” 

“You’re filming here?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Oh, yeah,” BamBam nods. “Since the team just came back from Arizona, they’re doing some alumni feature with Jackson. He’ll be here later.” 

“At the soccer field?” Jinyoung prods. He wishes he could get more information, only he knows BamBam is probably not allowed to talk about it. 

“I’ll text you, maybe the both of you can swing by and visit,” BamBam’s looking through his phone now, and Jinyoung tries to take a peek at the screen. “I’ll probably be here until two.” 

“See you later, Bam,” Yugyeom says, and tugs on Jinyoung’s arm before he can say goodbye. Jinyoung feels his feet start to drag against the ground, and he nearly drops his coffee when BamBam waves goodbye at him one last time. 

“Why did you—” Jinyoung stops right in front of the doors, and puts his foot down. “I just wanted to ask—” 

“The faster we get this done, the more time we have to go see whatever it is that they’re filming,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes. “Now let’s go.” 

He opens the door, and motions for Jinyoung to walk in first. He’s still a little grumpy, having woken up too early while Yugyeom took his sweet time coming to the library. Jinyoung walks in first, only he’s just a bit confused about where he’s supposed to go. He’s been to the library multiple times, but he’s never accessed any of the microforms or newspaper archives. 

Jinyoung stops in front of the front desk, but Yugyeom pulls him by the collar. 

“Follow me,” Yugyeom grumbles. 

He stumbles behind Yugyeom, trying to keep up with his pace. Yugyeom’s legs have always been stupidly long, and Jinyoung falls in step faster while he tries to keep up. The microforms and archives are on the lower floor. He takes two steps at a time just to keep up with Yugyeom, only he runs right into Yugyeom’s back at the bottom of the stairs. 

“God,” Jinyoung groans. “What now?” he asks, and lightly punches Yugyeom’s back. 

“My ex—” Yugyeom says, and grabs Jinyoung’s hand to hide behind the wall. Jinyoung stumbles and nearly drops his coffee again, hiding behind Yugyeom’s back while he peers over his shoulder. “She wasn’t supposed to be here today, that’s why I wanted to go at this time.” 

“This is why you don’t date someone in the library science program,” Jinyoung sighs. “Do you want me to go for you? I’m sure she won’t notice if you walk in.” 

“Ugh, it’s fine,” Yugyeom says. “I’ll just go, she won’t see us since she’s stuck at the desk for the day.” 

Yugyeom’s slow to walk out, and Jinyoung follows right behind him. Yugyeom’s still holding tightly onto his hand, squeezing it every so often while they walk to one of the many file cabinets in the archives. Jinyoung doesn’t even know where to look, but it seems like Yugyeom has it memorized from all the times he’s spent here for his project. The cabinets aren’t lined up too tall— just meeting Jinyoung’s chest while he can still get a view of the front desk from a few aisles away. 

“She’s not going to see,” Yugyeom says, without even looking up. He lets go of Jinyoung’s hand, and Jinyoung tries not to be visibly disappointed. He feels a little colder now, and shoves his hand in his pockets while Yugyeom opens one of the filing cabinets. “Sit down,” Yugyeom motions to the floor. “It’ll take a while for me to grab all the ones I want to look through.” 

Jinyoung shrugs his bag off and dumps it on the floor when he sits down. He leans against the other cabinet, looking up while Yugyeom seems to be focused on pulling out various small, square boxes. There are numbers and dates written on the top, and Yugyeom seems to be focused when he closes one of the cabinets and hands Jinyoung a few of the boxes. 

“Stay here,” Yugyeom tells him. “I’ll be right back.” 

Jinyoung nods, and leans his head back against the cabinets. He’s tired, and neatly organizes the small boxes next to him on the ground. He pulls out his phone, and decides to check his emails for the day just to get some work done in passing. There’s nothing new, other than the usual email from the department and another reminder on his progress for the quarter. He still has some papers to grade, and Jinyoung tries to forget about it when he exits out of his email. 

He opens Instagram without even thinking, scrolling down his feed until he notices that Jackson posted something on his story. Jinyoung opens it, and for a second regrets it when he sees that it’s both Jaebeom and Jackson doing a feature for the university. It’s a little rainy in the background, and Jinyoung notices that they’re both outside the communications building. He wonders if they’ll film something in Jinyoung’s office, and he exits out of the app immediately and pockets his phone again. 

He lets out a deep sigh, trying not to think about what happy successful feature they’ll be doing while sitting at Jaebeom’s desk. One that he _barely_ even uses. Yugyeom has spent more time there in the last two months than Jaebeom has in over a year. He closes his eyes for a moment, and leans his head back on the file cabinets. It’s not even comfortable— especially when he can feel the handles start to dig into his neck. He should probably move and sit at one of the free desks, but Jinyoung can’t bring himself to get up. Yugyeom told him to wait here, so Jinyoung was going to stay. 

He holds the boxes on his lap instead, tapping his fingers against the solid part of it. Jinyoung reads the label on some of the boxes— _Asian Family Affair_ , _Seattle Times_ , and another one that seems to be blurred out on the box. The Seattle Times box is heavier, and Jinyoung assumes it’s because there are more years on the box in comparison to the other two. He stretches his legs out on the floor, and lets the boxes sit on his lap while he fumbles with the strap of his bag to keep himself from checking his phone again. He’s bored and impulsive, and just when he’s about to take out his phone again, Yugyeom finally comes back. 

“I’m here,” Yugyeom says. He’s holding another three boxes in his hand, and sets them down on one of the top cabinets. He offers Jinyoung a hand, and he secures the rest of the boxes while he grabs hold so he can stand up properly. “God, I almost forgot.” 

“What?” Jinyoung groans, feeling like his knees might go out just from standing up. 

“The reader for these is in front of the desk,” Yugyeom nods over. “You know. In front of my ex.” 

“It doesn’t look like she’s there now,” Jinyoung says, peering right over into the direction of the front desk. “It’s empty.” 

“Well, I hope it stays that way,” Yugyeom sighs, and grabs the rest of the boxes from Jinyoung’s hands. “Let’s go.” 

Jinyoung’s reluctant, but he follows behind anyway. There are only a few students around the library, mostly since it’s still too early on a Friday. Yugyeom stops at one of the computer stations— next to a machine reader that Jinyoung has no idea how to use. He only watches while Yugyeom opens up one of the boxes, revealing a film-like reel that has all of the newspaper archives scanned onto it. 

“Grab a chair,” Yugyeom says. “It’ll take a while for me to find some captures.” 

Jinyoung drags the nearest chair up to the desk, and notices how there’s a two-hour time limit for using the facilities if someone else is waiting. There doesn’t seem to be anyone else, and the front desk remains empty. He sits next to Yugyeom, watching as he scrolls endlessly through various pages of text on the screen. The film reader is a little loud— making a slight squeaky noise every time Yugyeom presses the arrow button. 

“You’ve been here a lot?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom shrugs. “When I said I wanted to do media, I didn’t really expect to be picking newspapers over the stuff you can easily find online.” 

“What are these newspapers, then?” Jinyoung continues. “Anything specific you’re looking for?” 

“There’s a couple of local newspapers based here in Seattle,” Yugyeom says. “I’m just looking for some introductory things, and I’ll probably have to come here more in the future. For now, I’m just looking for stories about community gatherings and movements.” 

“So that’s why it’ll take a while,” Jinyoung sighs, and taps his fingers against the desk. “How many do you have?” 

“I have a few, but it’ll be quick because I’ll just come back another day,” Yugyeom adds. “Just as long as my ex doesn’t come back.” 

“What’s the deal there?” Jinyoung asks. “Is it really that bad?” 

“ _No_ ,” Yugyeom says, tight-lipped. “It’s just that, she was kind of upset when she dumped me. Went off about how I was clearly interested in someone else.” 

“Oh,” Jinyoung breathes out. “Anyone—” 

“I need to finish this,” Yugyeom says, his voice curt. “So we can get out faster.” 

“Right,” Jinyoung nods. “I’ll leave you to it.” 

Jinyoung ends up taking out one of his books to read to pass the time. It’s a recommendation from his advisor, and he skims through some of the pages while listening to Yugyeom work. Jinyoung thinks he’s spent maybe an hour, endlessly scrolling while pausing every once in a while to take a screenshot and download it to his USB drive. It draws on, the loud sound of the machine making Jinyoung jump in his seat every time Yugyeom moves too fast. 

He’s ready to fully focus on his book now, only this time he gets interrupted by his phone vibrating in his pocket. He wonders if it’s a text from BamBam, and Jinyoung checks his phone for the first time since exiting out Instagram. 

**BB** : In your office until three probably

 **BB** : this media feature is pretty long 

**JY** : cool thx

He turns his attention back to his book, trying to ignore the piece of information BamBam just sent over. Jackson was usually one to never visit his office, or rarely even had the time and now he’s there, filming something with Jaebeom. It bothers him that they didn’t even ask if they could film something, and Jinyoung just lets the bitter feeling sink in. The both of them never usually asked. Jaebeom was used to assuming Jinyoung was okay with things, even if he wasn’t. It started with Jaebeom’s channel— on days that he used to film videos in their office while Jinyoung was trying to work. He’s gotten over it now, only it feels fresh this time when he remembers it. 

“What’s wrong? Yugyeom asks. 

“Nothing,” Jinyoung sighs. 

“Come on,” Yugyeom prods. “I can call it a day and we can leave if you want.” 

“Only if you want to,” Jinyoung mumbles quietly. 

“Fuck it,” Yugyeom says. “Let’s go.” 

Yugyeom carefully rolls up all of the microfilms and places them back in their original boxes. He works fast, and Yugyeom turns off the computer monitor. Jinyoung haphazardly shoves his book into his bag, not even caring that some of the pages are bent. 

“Are we going to your office?” Yugyeom asks. 

“No,” Jinyoung shakes his head. “Let’s go home.” 

* * *

The Sounders’ first home game of the season is the one event no one in their friend group is allowed to miss. They all carpool together— sharing Jaebeom’s parking pass so they can enter the stadium earlier. It’s all exclusive, sitting in the friends and family section in a private suite all to themselves. BamBam’s the only one who doesn’t sit in the box, since he’s already on the field and the one closest to all the players. 

Everyone has matching jerseys— rave green with WANG #5 printed right on the back. Jinyoung’s jersey is a lot older, and one that Jackson wore during one of the first games that he ever played for the Sounders. It has some sentimental value attached to it, and Jinyoung has to admit that it does feel a little gross that he’s never even washed it. 

“You smell funny,” Yugyeom says, and stands in close behind Jinyoung. 

“It’s the jersey,” Jinyoung explains. “So, what’s the plan?” 

“It’s like you’ve never dated anyone before,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes, and links his fingers together with Jinyoung’s. “There.” 

Yugyeom’s hand is comforting. It’s Jinyoung’s lifeline, and maybe one of the only times where he doesn’t feel like he has to pretend around someone. He stands closer to Yugyeom, ignoring the plush seats in the suite since no one ever sits down during a soccer game. It’s always the same atmosphere, with the quiet constant buzz in the stadium. It’s starting to fill up more, and right when Yugyeom squeezes his hand Jinyoung can feel someone tapping on his shoulder. 

“I feel like we barely see each other,” Youngjae says. 

“Been busy,” Jinyoung mumbles. “I’m sorry we couldn’t make it to that lunch with you and Brian.” 

“It’s okay, I understand,” Youngjae replies, keeping his tone light. “You two are good together, and it’s new.” 

“Thanks,” Jinyoung doesn’t feel like he’s faking anything, at least not now when he feels like his smile is genuine for the first time in a while. Youngjae sticks around for a bit, Brian right beside him while Yugyeom does most of the chatting. 

Jinyoung tunes in and out, squeezing Yugyeom’s hand occasionally while he watches the rest of the stadium continue to fill up. It’s getting closer to game time, and he can hear Jaebeom somewhere behind him talking to Mark. Jinyoung ignores it, and he can hear the supporters’ section clapping while the players come out for warm-ups. He watches Jackson run out last, falling behind the rest of his teammates. Jinyoung notices how he scans the stadium, as if he’s looking for Jaebeom in the crowd. 

He wonders if he can even see him from here— from Jackson’s refusal to wear his contacts or glasses. Jackson waves and blows a kiss in their direction, and if Jinyoung didn’t already know that Jaebeom was standing somewhere behind him, he’d probably pretend it was for him. Yugyeom squeezes his hand again, pulling him over slightly while Jaebeom almost wedges himself in between the both of them. He wraps his arms around both of their shoulders, and Jaebeom jumps up and down excitedly when he sees Jackson. 

“I’m so excited,” Jaebeom’s blushing, and Jinyoung just lets him lean on the both of them. He wishes he didn’t, because he can’t feel Yugyeom’s hand anymore and Jinyoung already misses it. 

“I need a drink,” Jinyoung mumbles. 

“What?” Jaebeom asks. 

“Nothing,” Jinyoung laughs. “Do you mind moving?” 

“Oh,” Jaebeom says. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get in between you two.” 

Jaebeom’s quick to move, stepping back and moving to the other side that has a closer view of the stadium. Jinyoung takes a step closer to Yugyeom, letting his hand bump against his without even saying anything. Yugyeom doesn’t budge, letting his hand stay still by his side when Jinyoung pokes at it with his pinky finger. 

Yugyeom’s messing with him, stubbornly keeping his hand at his side while Jinyoung ends up clinging to his shoulder instead. The players have already left the field after warm-ups, and the stadium is even more filled than it was earlier. Jinyoung thinks he’s grown tired of going to games, even if he wants to support Jackson. They’re fun, but he thinks that they’ve lost the spark that he used to be so interested in. 

“Are you that annoyed that I didn’t hold your hand?” Yugyeom asks, and pokes at Jinyoung’s cheek. 

“No,” Jinyoung sighs. “I think I’m just. Bored.” 

Jinyoung told himself that he wanted to be here. He always is, and he never misses a game for Jackson’s sake. Games used to be more exciting, more high stakes. Jinyoung used to drink a little more, and after games, they always had after-parties. Now, he’s just tired. He’s stuck pretending for 90 minutes, and the only person that knows the truth is standing right next to him. 

“We can say that you’re not feeling well,” Yugyeom says, and cups his cheek. “We don’t have to stay.” 

“Of course we have to stay,” Jinyoung says, feigning a weak smile. “Jackson would get upset if I left.” 

“He’d understand if you aren’t feeling well,” Yugyeom reassures him. 

“Of course he would,” Jinyoung sighs again. 

Jackson was more than understanding. He’d go out of his way to accommodate anyone. If Jinyoung wasn’t feeling well, Jackson would be the first one wrapping him up in a blanket and sending him off to go home. 

“What are you two so chatty about?” Mark asks, and kicks right at Jinyoung’s foot. 

“Nothing,” Jinyoung says, keeping his voice light. “What’s up?” 

“Everyone’s wondering about you two,” Mark says as he eyes the two of them. “We’re all very surprised you kept this a secret for so long.” 

“Is everything about us suddenly everyone’s business?” Yugyeom asks. “What’s everyone’s deal?” 

“Nothing,” Mark says, only he sounds slightly taken aback. “BamBam was just telling me the other day that even _you_ didn’t tell him.” Mark’s crossing his arms now, staring down Yugyeom as if he’s done something wrong. 

“Oh, look at that,” Jinyoung says, and points to the field. “Game’s about to start.” 

The players are lined up on the field now in their regular formation. Jackson’s in the middle, and even from here, Jinyoung can tell that he looks focused. 

“Don’t think the two of you are getting out of this,” Mark glares. 

Jinyoung still doesn’t understand everyone’s sudden interest in their relationship. It’s already March, and everyone has had at least two months to start bothering them about it. It’s the first time that all of them are hanging out together, and Jinyoung’s starting to think that he should’ve listened when Yugyeom suggested that they go ahead and leave the game. 

“You still wanna stay?” Yugyeom asks, and finally links their fingers together again. 

“Let’s just stay,” Jinyoung sighs, and leans his head against Yugyeom’s shoulder. The noise in the stadium grows louder, and Jinyoung thinks it’s nice enough to drown out all the noise in his brain.

* * *

During half-time, BamBam ends up joining them for the rest of the game. They’re all sitting inside the suite during the short, fifteen-minute break while Jinyoung finally gets his hands on something to drink. He doesn’t even like the taste of beer, wishing they had whiskey or something else in the box. It’s all free anyway, and Jinyoung will take what he can get. He places his half-empty cup on the table, and when he turns around he notices Yugyeom pouring it out into Mark’s cup. 

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asks, and elbows Yugyeom’s side. 

“You don’t want to get too drunk,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes. “How are you supposed to be coherent when everyone starts interrogating us?” 

“It looks like everyone forgot,” Jinyoung shrugs. 

Everyone has. Everyone’s either drinking, or watching one of the en-suite tv’s while chatting about the game. The score so far is tied at 0-0, although Jackson’s gotten plenty of chances at a goal. It’ll be a close one, and Jinyoung stares at his previously empty cup that is now being filled with water. 

“Drink up,” Yugyeom says, and pushes the cup over. “Your face is a little red.” 

Jinyoung listens, only because he wants to be able to leave after the game is over. He’s already planning his escape route, leaving the stadium and getting Yugyeom to call an uber. It’ll probably be expensive, but Jinyoung makes a note to throw his credit card at him too. 

“You two are suddenly so quiet,” BamBam says, and sits in the empty seat right next to the both of them. “I thought you two wanted to stop by when I was filming with Jackson and Jaebeom?” 

“Something happened at Jinyoung’s apartment and I had to go help him,” Yugyeom says. 

“Oh,” BamBam tilts his head. “You had to _‘help’_ him with something?” 

“Something was broken,” Yugyeom grumbles. “What about Mark?” 

“What about Mark?” BamBam asks. “He’s over there, if you want to talk to him.” 

BamBam crosses his arms, and stares the both of them down the same way Mark did earlier. He’s not perfect either, and Jinyoung stares back. 

“I’ll admit,” BamBam adds. “It’s nice to see the two of you together. “I remember a few years ago, Yugyeom—” 

“Okay, that’s enough,” Yugyeom laughs. “I think we’ve talked about this enough.” 

“What I was saying,” BamBam continues. “I think you two are good together,” he pauses, and looks right at Jinyoung. “I would hate to see if anyone got hurt.” 

“No one is getting hurt,” Jinyoung says, staring right back at BamBam. “I like Yugyeom. A lot.” 

Jinyoung doesn’t have to work to convince himself. He knows he likes Yugyeom— spending time with him over the last two months has been better for him ever since Jaebeom fully moved out. He feels less lonely, and Jinyoung reaches over to link his fingers together with Yugyeom’s. 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom nods. “Me too.” 

* * *

Everyone gets a little too drunk by the end of the game to notice that Jinyoung’s already making a break to sneak away. The Sounders’ final score was left at 1-0, one fantastic goal made by Jackson that made the entire stadium rumble. It doesn’t excite Jinyoung as much as it used to. He’s jumping up and down with everyone, celebrating while he tries not to get stepped on every time Yugyeom nearly falls into him. He’s laughing more now, and Yugyeom steadies his hands on his shoulders the moment everyone stops jumping. 

“Let’s make a break for it?” Jinyoung asks, just as everyone’s already too distracted by the loud noises all around the stadium. 

“Let’s go,” Yugyeom nods. 

They disappear without anyone noticing. They don’t leave through the special entrance, and blend in with the normal crowd while leaving the stadium. It’s too late to turn back and think about it, and Jinyoung’s already trying to figure out what to text everyone else when they all realize that they’re gone. 

March isn’t too bad— most of the bad rain from January is gone while everyone celebrates the Sounders’ win. Jinyoung imagines that everyone’s going to Jackson’s after he’s done with all the post-game press and Jaebeom is waiting somewhere outside the locker room. Jinyoung used to wait too, only now he doesn’t have enough energy to stick around and keep pretending in front of everyone else.

Yugyeom holds onto his hand and keeps walking without saying anything else. Jinyoung’s hand feels sweaty, and they keep going until they’re a few blocks away from the stadium. They’re veering towards the international district, and Yugyeom stops to pull out his phone. 

“Bam’s wondering where we went,” Yugyeom sighs. “Should I tell him you’re not feeling well?” 

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung smiles. “You can just tell him we wanted to spend some time alone.” 

Jinyoung still feels guilty. He doesn’t mean to push away or stop hanging out with his friends, It’s just hard to stomach, when he doesn’t know how he feels about anything lately. He’s spent seven years thinking he was in love with Jackson, but now Jinyoung doesn’t even know what that means. 

“We can go back to yours?” Yugyeom asks, and squeezes his hand. 

Jinyoung nods, and stands close to Yugyeom while he watches him scroll through his phone. He’s not trying to peek intentionally, but Yugyeom slightly tilts his screen away while Jinyoung catches a brief glimpse of his lock screen. It’s a picture of the two of them. 

“Ride should be here in fifteen,” Yugyeom says. 

“Okay,” Jinyoung mumbles quietly. 

It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon. There are a few people who pass by them on the sidewalk, and Jinyoung takes another step closer until he’s pressed side by side with Yugyeom. He’s tired from the game, and leans against Yugyeom to keep himself upright. He closes his eyes, feeling content and tired now that they’ve left the crowds of the stadium.

Jinyoung’s phone is vibrating in his pocket but he ignores it, hoping it isn’t anything important. His clothes are already clinging to him uncomfortably, and Yugyeom tugs on his hand right as their ride seems to arrive early. Yugyeom lets him get inside first, and follows in right behind him while he closes the door. 

The car ride is quiet. Yugyeom makes friendly conversation, and Jinyoung stares out the window while he tries to remember all the things he has to do for the week. There’s nothing overwhelming in his schedule since spring break is close. Yugyeom seems content, and he’s still holding onto Jinyoung’s hand even if he’s not saying anything else. Jinyoung accidentally dozes off for a bit, mostly since the heat in the car is warm while Yugyeom softly strokes his thumb against Jinyoung’s hand. 

He doesn’t even realize that they’re already home— and Yugyeom’s gently guiding him out of the car while letting him lean on his shoulder. He’s not even drunk anymore, just tired of standing on his feet from most of the game. Yugyeom takes it slow, helping him up the stairs and taking Jinyoung’s keys from his jacket pocket without even having to ask. Yugyeom stayed the night, and Jinyoung thinks he will again. 

“Thanks,” Jinyoung hums. 

“You’re tired,” Yugyeom says. “You should rest.” 

“Do you want to stay over?” Jinyoung asks. 

He wonders if there’s a point in asking. They’re standing right by the door now, and Yugyeom’s already unlocked the door. He’s already halfway in, still holding onto Yugyeom’s hand while waiting for him to follow. 

“One more night couldn’t hurt,” Yugyeom shrugs. 

They’ve developed a routine already. Yugyeom heads off to the kitchen to make coffee, while Jinyoung walks to his room to change into sweats instead of being stuck in his gross game day jersey. He doesn’t even care where his clothes end up, throwing them somewhere in the corner while he lays down in his bed for a minute. 

No one ever really got around to changing the sheets in Jaebeom’s old room. It’s just an empty, bare mattress that’s been unused since Yugyeom’s gotten so used to sleeping in Jinyoung’s bed. It’s gotten to a point where it’s weird when Jinyoung has to sleep alone. He leaves the lights in his room off, and Jinyoung rolls onto his back while scrolling through his phone. 

There’s a couple of text messages— mostly from Jackson and Jaebeom. He ignores both of them, already drained from all the social interaction he’s done today. He’s just tired, pent up, and Jinyoung doesn’t know another way to relieve his stress other than the usual. He hates to admit it, that the last time he got off was _way_ past due, especially since Yugyeom’s been sleeping in his bed most nights. He’s usually alone, and since Yugyeom’s busy making coffee, he figures it can’t hurt to have a break before coming back out. 

He’s already worked up just from thinking about it, rucking up his shirt just a bit to leave his stomach exposed. He lets his nails scratch against his skin, pushing down his sweatpants until all he can feel is skin. He ends up taking out his phone again, scrolling through some of the highlights from today’s game. He feels guilty about it every time, seeing Jackson’s half-naked body all sweaty after taking off his jersey. He’s imagined it too many times, what it’d be like with Jackson. He’s had a long-running fantasy in his head of fucking him at the gym, and it seems to stay in the front of his mind. 

He screws his eyes shut and palms his hand over his cock. He’s pathetically already half-hard, and tosses his phone to the side of the bed without even bothering to turn the screen off. The highlights keep playing, and Jinyoung starts slow. He grinds his hips up against his hand to feel the pressure, biting down on his lip to keep himself from making any noise. He knows he shouldn’t think about it but he still does, Jackson’s mouth around his cock while he fucks his throat. 

Jinyoung’s already gone in the fantasy, eyes closed and whimpering even though he’s barely even touched himself. He’s still screaming at himself that he shouldn’t but he can’t stop anyways, letting his hands dip underneath the waistband of his boxers so he can finally feel himself. He breathes out, and just before he can fully get his pants off, Jinyoung’s fantasy is torn the moment he can hear the door to his room opening and shattering every single illusion. 

He fumbles, pulling the front of his shirt back down while he can feel the red flush spread across his face. He’s never been more embarrassed, and he tries to find his phone somewhere between the sheets while Yugyeom seems to stand there in silence. 

“Sorry,” Jinyoung says, voice hoarse. “God, this is so embarrassing,” he mumbles. “I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Let me help you,” Yugyeom breathes out. 

“What?” Jinyoung asks, still a little hazy from being snapped out of his fantasy. 

“I said,” Yugyeom says. “Let me help you.” 

The coffee’s already forgotten about, and before Jinyoung can even move Yugyeom’s managed to fit himself between Jinyoung’s legs, with his hands steady right on his thighs. He shouldn’t be doing this, or thinking about it at all, but Yugyeom is here and Jinyoung doesn’t know what else to do. 

“We can’t—” Jinyoung murmurs. 

“I help you, you can help me,” Yugyeom hums. His hands are so soft, pushing up Jinyoung’s shirt while letting his fingers drag across his stomach. 

“You’d do that?” Jinyoung says, sounding slightly dazed. 

“We’re friends, right?” Yugyeom says, and presses his lips against Jinyoung’s stomach. “Nothing wrong with that.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung breathes out heavily. “Just friends.” 

He’s still hesitant, letting his hands slowly drift until they’re resting on the back of Yugyeom’s neck. They’ve never _been_ this close, and it never occurred to Jinyoung that Yugyeom could ever be like this. His lips are so soft, peppering down his stomach while he tugs on the waistband of his sweatpants. He pulls them down slowly, barely past his thighs while Yugyeom wraps his hand around the base of Jinyoung’s cock. 

“You were thinking about him, weren’t you?” Yugyeom whispers. 

Jinyoung can feel the blush spread to his ears, his entire body heating up while Yugyeom’s lips are just inches away from his cock. Yugyeom’s staring at him through his eyelashes— and Jinyoung’s only noticed how long they are now. Yugyeom’s breath is hot, and Jinyoung’s grown impatient already, wiggling his hips right underneath Yugyeom’s grip. He holds in his breath while Yugyeom circles his tongue around the head, and Jinyoung threads his fingers through Yugyeom’s hair. 

“You can keep thinking about him, if you want,” Yugyeom hums, and his lips are already shining with spit. It would be so easy for Jinyoung to close his eyes and let himself slip into the same fantasy. Only he doesn’t want to. Yugyeom’s here and he’s real, even prettier than he could ever imagine while he stretches his mouth over his cock. He can’t bring himself to look away, especially when Yugyeom is being such a _tease_. 

The sight of it is hypnotic, Yugyeom sinking his lips further down while Jinyoung clings tightly onto his hair. There’s drool spilling down his chin, and he doesn’t have to do much else to please him. Jinyoung’s body shudders when Yugyeom hums, taking him in even deeper until he’s almost at the back of his throat. He watches while Yugyeom’s eyes flutter, meeting his eyes for the second time and Jinyoung just wants to see. Yugyeom keeps drawing it out, building a slow pace while he bobs his head up and down. 

“Fuck,” Jinyoung breathes. “You’re—” 

Yugyeom doesn’t even let him finish before he’s pulling off again, letting the head of his cock sit right against his bottom lip. There’s precome and drool spilling out of his mouth, and Jinyoung hesitates before bringing his fingers up to Yugyeom’s lips. He’s still keeping eye contact, and Jinyoung’s never seen Yugyeom look at him this way before. It’s different, and something about it makes him feel dizzy and wanted. He’s nervous now, still unsure of what it all means when Yugyeom pushes his hand away before taking him into his mouth again. Jinyoung gasps, lips parted open while he leans his head back against the pillows. His hands are in Yugyeom’s hair again, tugging and pushing him down while Yugyeom hollows his cheeks. 

He doesn’t mean to, and it’s unconscious when he bucks his hips upward into Yugyeom’s mouth. Yugyeom doesn’t even stop him, just firm hands against his thighs while his mouth is open and slick like it was made for this. Jinyoung can’t let his mind drift off to a fantasy; things are always better when they’re _real_. Yugyeom is open, warm, and inviting while he fucks into his mouth again, and god, Jinyoung just hopes that Yugyeom wants this as much as he does. Yugyeom keeps his hand firm this time, letting Jinyoung’s hips stay firmly pinned against the bed while he takes control this time. Jinyoung’s still not used to it; seeing Yugyeom this way. He lets his fingers run through Yugyeom’s hair, hands firm at the back of his neck while all Yugyeom seems to do is make him chase for it. 

It’s more than Jinyoung could’ve ever imagined, Yugyeom opening his throat and everything is more intense than it was before; the head of his cock in the tight space of Yugyeom’s throat. He lets Jinyoung hold him there, and he swears he can feel Yugyeom’s mouth water while the tears start welling up in his eyes. He’s throbbing already, whimpering while tugging on Yugyeom’s hair just begging for him to move without using his words. 

“Yugyeom,” Jinyoung gasps. “God—” 

Yugyeom moves again, building up a faster pace while Jinyoung rubs his thumb against the back of his neck. He’s so close, and Jinyoung is embarrassed that he can’t even last that long. It’s been a while since anyone else has touched him like this; made him feel this floaty and Yugyeom gives him more than he asked for. Yugyeom wasn’t the same freshman that he knew, and it’s taken too long for Jinyoung to see it. He’s confident, almost like he’s a pro every time he takes Jinyoung deeper into his throat. He’s good for it, and it’s almost obscene with the way that his eyes flutter every time he looks up at Jinyoung. He doesn’t know how Yugyeom even expected him to think about anyone else when Yugyeom gives and gives while letting Jinyoung take. 

He feels like his heart skips a beat when Yugyeom presses his hips against the bed, fingers digging into Jinyoung’s skin until he can’t move anymore. Jinyoung’s starved for it, this kind of touch and affection for too long it’s fresh and intense; the slide of his cock wet and hot against Yugyeom’s tongue every time he moves his head. He’s breathless, feeling Yugyeom’s fingers dig harder into his skin and Jinyoung’s entire body shudders through it when he comes down Yugyeom’s throat. 

Yugyeom doesn’t pull away, swallowing him down while Jinyoung threads his fingers through his hair again. It still somehow feels like it’s not enough, and Jinyoung can hardly catch up with his breath while Yugyeom finally pulls off. He’s prettier this way, thoroughly wrecked while a mix of come and spit spills from his lips. Jinyoung’s hesitant, letting his fingers drift until he’s tugging at Yugyeom’s bottom lip, letting his thumb slip into Yugyeom’s mouth. He doesn’t even need to say anything and Yugyeom’s already eagerly sucking down on his thumb. 

“Let me take care of you,” Jinyoung hums. It’s only fair if Jinyoung returns the favor. After all, Yugyeom said it was between friends. 

“You don’t need to,” Yugyeom blushes. “I—” 

“ _Oh_ ,” Jinyoung stutters, and god, he wishes that he could’ve done something. He still remembers how it felt when he sat on Yugyeom’s lap, and Jinyoung feels his face go pink again. It leaves him wondering more now, if Yugyeom’s just as big as the rest of him. He lets his thumb trace the bottom of Yugyeom’s lip, and Jinyoung would be lying if he said he didn’t want to do this again. “So you’re still staying the night, right?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Of course,” Yugyeom breathes out. “What else did you want to try?” 

* * *

Jinyoung manages to wake up before his alarm. It’s a quiet Monday morning, and there’s nothing important in Jinyoung’s schedule today. It’s a bit of a break, and he makes sure to turn off his phone alarm so he doesn’t wake Yugyeom up. He’s sleeping on the other side of the bed, and Jinyoung carefully moves the blankets so he doesn’t disturb him. 

He picks up a few clothes off the floor— ones left discarded from the day before. The clothes Jinyoung wore at the game, including Jackson’s sweaty old game day jersey. He’s never dared to smell it, and Jinyoung doesn’t think he wants to. He takes the entire pile, holding it in his arms while he carefully opens the door to his bedroom without trying to make another sound. 

He doesn’t close the door behind him all the way, letting the light creep in while the morning is still settling in. It’s been a while since the last time he’s done laundry, and Jinyoung’s been dreading it for the last week. He shuffles his way across the apartment, and carefully opens the closet door that hides the washer and dryer units.

The clothes are piled on the ground in front of the machine, and Jinyoung starts sorting through everything while he keeps the washer door open. He mostly throws everything into the wash— an assortment of socks, shirts, and pants. The only thing left at the bottom of the pile is Jackson’s jersey. 

Jinyoung considers washing it. It’s long past due, and he knows that he’ll just have to leave it out to hang dry when it’s done. There’s no use for it, and he knows that the sentimental value won’t go away if he washes it. He turns the jersey inside out, and throws it into the wash with the other clothes. Jinyoung pushes the lid shut, and puts a tide pod in the washing bin before starting a new cycle. 

The machine comes to life with a quiet hum, and Jinyoung feels like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. For the first time in seven years, Jinyoung thinks that he might be finally able to move on with his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The newspapers referenced in this chapter are real newspapers based in the pacific northwest! 
> 
> asian family affair was the first pan-asian community newspaper in seattle founded in 1972. 
> 
> feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned)


	4. where i want to stay

They don’t really _talk_ about it. Jinyoung doesn’t have any time to process it when his dick is inside Yugyeom’s mouth. It’s embarrassing that he’s turned back into a horny teenager at this point, getting relief while helping Yugyeom out. He already said it was between friends, and Jinyoung doesn’t mind if it comes with a few extra benefits. 

“So,” Yugyeom says, breathing heavily while he lays down on the bed next to Jinyoung. “My lease is up and I have to find a new place to live.” 

Jaebeom’s old room has been empty and unoccupied for months. He was still paying his share of it, and Jinyoung was buying time trying to find a new roommate. It’s easier, and Jinyoung thinks it’s a good idea. 

“Move in with me,” Jinyoung says, completely serious. 

“What?” Yugyeom squeaks. 

“Move in with me,” Jinyoung repeats. “You’re here all the time anyway, and there’s an empty room,” he shrugs. “Saves me from having to find someone else.” 

“Can I think about it?” Yugyeom asks. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung smiles. “Take your time.” 

Jinyoung lets his eyes linger when he watches Yugyeom get out of bed first. He’s naked— minus the shorts he borrowed. He can’t stop looking at his back, and the way that his tattoos look. He bends down to pick up his shirt off the floor, discarded somewhere from the night before. It’s already been a few weeks since the first game of the season, and Jinyoung leans back on the pillows to watch while Yugyeom pulls his shirt over his head. 

“Is there something on my face?” Yugyeom asks, just as he turns around. 

“No,” Jinyoung shrugs. “Why?” 

“You’re staring,” Yugyeom comments. “It’s weird.” 

It’s not _weird_. He’s allowed to appreciate Yugyeom’s body, especially since he’s spent so long thinking that Yugyeom was pure. He wasn’t at all, considering the number of times Yugyeom has sucked the soul out of his dick. Jinyoung doesn’t say anything else, and ignores Yugyeom to look at his phone instead. It’s still early, and they have a bit of free time before they have to make it to campus. He’s tired, too lazy to get out of bed while he drags the covers over his body. 

He doesn’t want to go anywhere, even if he has a full plate today. Morning meeting. Lunch somewhere with BamBam. A slot to figure out scheduling with the staff from the Northwest Film Forum. He closes his eyes, hiding underneath the pillows until Yugyeom will end up dragging him out of bed. 

“Jinyoung,” Yugyeom says. 

“Mm?” Jinyoung hums in response. 

“Can we get up and leave _before_ we end up having to park really far?” Yugyeom asks. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung grumbles. “Okay, I’ll get up.” 

* * *

Jinyoung dozes through his morning meetings. He’s making progress on his thesis— on the right timeline as set by his advisor. He’s in his office now, packing up his things before leaving to catch lunch with BamBam. Yugyeom couldn’t come since his seminar is until three, and Jinyoung is hesitant about going alone. He hasn’t had one on one time with their other friends since New Year’s— and the lunch date with Jackson that felt like ages ago. He’s always used to having Yugyeom beside him, and now it feels odd that he isn’t. 

BamBam agreed to meet him somewhere close, and it’s no surprise when Jinyoung ends up at the restaurant first. It’s an upgrade, some new place at University Village that Jinyoung would’ve never paid for unless BamBam offered. He gets seated at a table first, and Jinyoung scrolls through his phone. There’s a text from Yugyeom with an image attached— something from his seminar while Jinyoung smiles down at his phone. 

**YG** : one more hour   
**YG** : meet you in office after? 

**JY** : yesss i’ll see u after 

“Wow,” BamBam says, and sits down across from Jinyoung. “You’re here early.” 

“I’m always on time,” Jinyoung says, and opens the menu right in front of him on the table. “What took you so long?” 

“Hard to leave the office,” BamBam shrugs. “Director of media for the Sounders is a lot of work, you know,” he adds. “Jackson’s been getting a lot of media attention.” 

“I see,” Jinyoung says, and bites down on his lip to divert all his attention to the menu instead. He’d rather not talk about Jackson right now, especially since Jaebeom’s big YouTube event is just around the corner. “Good winning streak.” 

“Enough about the team,” BamBam says, and taps his fingers down on the table. “How are you and Yugyeom?” 

“We’re good,” Jinyoung answers. “More than good.” 

“I guess the sex is good, then?” BamBam asks. 

Jinyoung nearly chokes, feeling his ears flush red while BamBam stares at him. It’s not exactly that the sex isn’t good, it’s just that the two of them haven’t done anything other than sucking each other off and sloppy, desperate hand jobs. They haven’t even kissed either, with Yugyeom pressing his face into Jinyoung’s neck every time he comes. 

“It’s,” Jinyoung clears his throat. “It’s something. Should we order now?” 

BamBam avoids some of the Yugyeom questions for the rest of lunch. He’s good about it, asking Jinyoung about school and listening very intently while Jinyoung rambles off while talking about gender and horror films. Jinyoung almost forgets, just for a moment that maybe he feels like his relationship with Yugyeom isn’t as fake as it seems. His brain keeps on finding ways to keep bringing him up again even if BamBam isn’t even asking. 

“He seems to stay over a lot,” BamBam says, and folds his arms across his chest. “I know he mentioned to me a few weeks ago, he asked if he could move in with me.” 

“ _Oh_ ,” Jinyoung tries not to sound disappointed, especially since he asked Yugyeom if he’d move in with him earlier this morning. “What did you say?” 

“I don’t have space right now,” BamBam shrugs. “I told him he should ask you.” 

“I asked him this morning if he would,” Jinyoung breathes out. He doesn’t know why he’s so concerned about it now, and Jaebeom said he was more than happy to keep paying until the lease was up. It doesn’t feel any different, but at the same time, it does. He doesn’t want Yugyeom to go anywhere else, and Jinyoung doesn’t want to be alone. 

“Just give him some time, he’s probably just a little overwhelmed,” BamBam sounds hopeful, and Jinyoung wants him to be right. “Yugyeom’s had the biggest crush on you since high school.” 

“You—” Jinyoung stutters. “We didn’t go to the same high school?” 

“Oh, of course we did,” BamBam laughs. “You wouldn’t remember, popular student body president and all.” 

“He never told me,” Jinyoung mumbles. 

“We didn’t really cross paths often,” BamBam shrugs. “Probably just in passing, I didn’t remember either until Yugyeom mentioned it. It was only for a year, and then you graduated.” 

Jinyoung was so sure that the first time he ever met the both of them was in college— he’s flustered and embarrassed, just remembering what he used to look like in high school. Yugyeom saw him like that, for years, and Jinyoung didn’t have a single clue. 

“I—” Jinyoung stutters again. “I have to go, sorry.” 

* * *

Jinyoung is out of breath by the time he gets back to his office. The door is unlocked— since he gave Yugyeom one of the spare keys he technically wasn’t allowed to have. When Jinyoung pushes past the door, he sees that Yugyeom’s already made himself comfortable, spread out onto the couch with his laptop propped up against his lap. 

“You’re here,” Yugyeom smiles. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods awkwardly. “I’m here.” 

He doesn’t know if he should say anything. Yugyeom didn’t tell him for a reason, and Jinyoung doesn’t want to embarrass him any further. It’s not like anything has changed anyway, because they’re friends. Jinyoung knows that, and it’s not possible for Yugyeom to still feel the same way after all of these years. It was probably just a silly high school crush, something that you grow out of and get over with time. 

Jinyoung is acting on impulse when he takes Yugyeom’s laptop and places it on Jaebeom’s empty desk. He already locked the door behind him, and always kept the blinds to his office closed. He’s just tired from his morning meetings, and lunch with BamBam, he fits himself right on top of Yugyeom even if there isn’t enough space on the couch. 

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom yelps. 

“I just,” Jinyoung sighs, and tucks his face right into Yugyeom’s neck. “I was waiting for you.” 

“What do you mean, you were waiting for me?” Yugyeom says, and threads his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair. “I’ve been here the entire time.” 

“I know,” Jinyoung mumbles. “I just,” he pauses. “I think I just missed having you around at lunch.” 

“You won’t have to miss me for that much longer,” Yugyeom’s hands are still in his hair, his touch gentle enough for Jinyoung to keep leaning into it. “I thought about it.” 

“You want to move in with me?” Jinyoung asks. He’s excited already, and he swears Yugyeom’s eyes are sparkling. 

“I’m already over all the time anyway, it only makes sense, right?” Yugyeom answers. Jinyoung can’t place his expression now, watching as Yugyeom’s smile slowly fades into something else. It’s only good if it's what Yugyeom wants too. 

“I’d love to have you,” Jinyoung says, and presses his lips to the bare skin of Yugyeom’s neck. 

Yugyeom mumbles something that he can’t make out— Jinyoung wants him to repeat it, only Yugyeom doesn’t. He’s quiet, and the two of them are still squished up against each other on the couch while their feet are hanging off the edge. Yugyeom doesn’t stop, letting his hand drift to Jinyoung’s neck while he rubs his thumb in circles against his skin. It feels nice— better than anything Jinyoung’s had. He loves being close with Yugyeom like this, and Jinyoung doesn’t want it to ever end. 

“We should work,” Jinyoung mumbles. “We have important project things to do.” 

“We should,” Yugyeom sighs. “But it’d be nice to stay here just for five more minutes, right?” 

Jinyoung doesn’t know if they lay there for five minutes or an hour. It’s easy to lose track of time, and to let himself fade like this. Yugyeom’s solid and warm, and Jinyoung doesn’t have anyone else he can trust like this right now. It’s not even that cold in his office, and Jinyoung rests his hand against Yugyeom’s chest. He almost clings to his shirt, like Jinyoung still doesn’t want to get up and for this moment to end. 

He knows it’ll end eventually. Just like their fake relationship has to end, too. Jinyoung wonders if they’ll ever have to own up to it. No one knows except them, and Jinyoung’s never thought of telling anyone. BamBam doesn’t even know, and Jinyoung always thought he’d catch on by now. Yugyeom’s never been able to lie to BamBam, and it still confuses Jinyoung. 

“Maybe we should give up on working today,” Yugyeom groans, and tries to stretch out on the couch. “We can order take out and go home?” 

“Yes, please,” Jinyoung sighs. “Let’s just go home.” 

* * *

It doesn’t take that long for Yugyeom to move all of his things in. Jaebeom’s nice enough that he offered to help, using his bigger car to move Yugyeom’s things in. He stays around to unpack, and Jinyoung thinks that it’s the most time he’s ever spent with Jaebeom since he started dating Jackson. It’s rare that Jinyoung ever gets to see them one on one, other than the one time he managed to get lunch with Jackson. It’s always the both of them together, or not at all. 

“Wow, I can’t believe you finally found a new roommate,” Jaebeom says, and lugs one of the last boxes into the apartment. There’s only five piled up high, since Yugyeom’s been slowly migrating his clothes over to Jinyoung’s ever since he started staying the night multiple times a week. 

“It was about time,” Jinyoung says, and props the door to Yugyeom’s new room open. “Babe, we’ve been dating for how long now?” 

“Almost six months?” Yugyeom answers, and counts on his fingers. “Since November.” 

“Wow, six months,” Jaebeom whistles. “Are you doing anything for your anniversary?” 

Of course, their anniversary was only imaginary. Jinyoung and Yugyeom both decided to tell everyone that they started dating sometime around Yugyeom’s birthday. It was quiet, but long enough for Jackson to get upset that Jinyoung had kept a secret from him. Jinyoung pushes one of the boxes, and instead of sliding over the floor, it falls on its side while some of the contents spill out of the box. 

“Ah, sorry,” Jinyoung stumbles. “I’ll clean it.” 

There isn’t much in the box, besides a few books and some of Yugyeom’s clothes. There’s a black notebook, and before Jinyoung can pick it up off from the floor Yugyeom manages to grab it before Jinyoung can even touch it. 

“It’s okay,” Yugyeom laughs, and tucks the notebook under his arm. “Let me move that instead.” 

“What, are your anniversary plans written down in that notebook?” Jaebeom jokes. 

“No,” Yugyeom says, and picks up the box from off the floor. “I’m not dumb enough to write down my plans where Jinyoung can find it.” 

“I hope you two have fun,” Jaebeom comments. “I remember for our anniversary, Jackson took us to the Space Needle. It was nice.” 

“Yes,” Jinyoung grumbles. “We know, it was all over Instagram.” 

“I’m just giving you two some fun ideas,” Jaebeom pouts. 

Jinyoung doesn’t say anything else, and lets Yugyeom fill in the conversation while they unpack the rest of his stuff. Jinyoung takes care of the closet, hanging up the rest of Yugyeom’s clothes that seemed to already find their way here even before he officially moved in. Jinyoung’s closet was full enough already, and on days when Yugyeom didn’t notice Jinyoung was already moving some of his stuff in Jaebeom’s old room even before he asked him to move in.

Jaebeom carries the heavy stuff, mostly because Jinyoung’s feeling just a _bit_ petty. When Jinyoung was helping Jaebeom move the last of their stuff out of the apartment, he was left carrying heavy boxes of his books, and if he remembers correctly, half of those books belonged to Jinyoung. He watches as Jaebeom struggles, trying to fit Yugyeom’s nightstand in through the door while he barely manages to push it inside. He’s sweating a little and Jinyoung helps him pull it through the door for the last stretch. 

“Why does Yugyeom have so much stuff?” Jaebeom sighs. 

“It’s not even that much,” Jinyoung says, and waves him off. “Most of his clothes were already here, he’s been staying over so much anyway.” 

“Still,” Jaebeom groans, and flops down onto Yugyeom’s bed. “Are we ordering take out?” 

“Only if you pay,” Jinyoung smiles. “Put that YouTube and sponsorship money to good use.” 

“I still have student loans,” Jaebeom rolls his eyes. “But I’ll call Jackson and ask if he can come over too.” 

Jinyoung would rather that he didn’t. He’d like to spend some time with Jaebeom that doesn’t involve them being an extension of each other. They’re a unit, always intertwined together. He misses him sometimes, and the nights that they’d spend agonizing over their workloads when they first started the program together. 

He leans against the closet door while he watches Jaebeom type something on his phone. He’s probably texting Jackson as they speak, and before Jinyoung can open his mouth to say something, Yugyeom’s standing in front of him and giving him a _look_. 

“What?” Jinyoung whispers. 

“Be nice,” Yugyeom says, and ruffles Jinyoung’s hair. 

Jinyoung is allowed to be bitter. Just a little bit. Even though he saw it coming for months, that Jaebeom was going to move out and start building his life with Jackson. It just wasn’t fair, that Jinyoung felt like he was losing two people that he thought he could rely on the most. He’s been distant enough on his own, but it still bothers him that the only time they ever seemed to care was when they thought Jinyoung was hiding secrets. 

“Well,” Jaebeom sighs. “It’s a no, Jackson’s busy doing this promotional shoot.” 

“No problem,” Yugyeom says, and pulls Jaebeom up from off the bed. “Let’s order from that place down the street.” 

“I miss living here,” Jaebeom leans against Yugyeom, and Jinyoung tries to ignore the fact that it makes him feel _weird_ that someone’s hanging all over Yugyeom. 

“No one said you had to move out,” Jinyoung says, and tries to keep his tone light. He knows that Jaebeom will only think that he’s joking. He is, but there’s still a part of him that wishes that things could go back to the way they were before. 

“I miss you too,” Jaebeom reaches out, and wraps one of his arms around Jinyoung even though the three of them can’t fit through the doorway like this. “We should hang out more often. I’ll make sure of it.” 

“Sure, Jaebeom,” Jinyoung smiles. “If you say so.” 

* * *

When Jaebeom leaves that night, Jinyoung feels happier. It’s better to handle Jaebeom in smaller doses like this, when he’s away from Jackson. There’s still a part of Jinyoung that thinks that Jaebeom’s known that Jinyoung likes Jackson. He was just too nice to ever say anything about it. He’s handling it a lot better now, and Jinyoung’s not sure if he ever really liked Jackson as much as he thought he did. It feels more like a silly crush now, something Jinyoung can put behind him and forget about. He still cares about them both, but he still can’t deal with the way that he treats him. Like he’s someone to be pitied for being alone. 

It’s new now that Yugyeom is officially moved in. He’s gotten used to having Yugyeom around, but now Yugyeom is here to stay. Permanently. When he’s settling into bed for the night, he just notices that there’s one thing missing. 

Yugyeom isn’t sleeping right next to him. 

He shuffles across his room, slowly opening the door while it makes a loud creaking noise. Jinyoung’s quiet, walking out to the living room only to see that Yugyeom’s not there either. Yugyeom said goodnight right after he brushed his teeth, but he never came back like Jinyoung has grown used to. He can see the light leaking out from underneath Yugyeom’s door, and Jinyoung decides to knock on his door rather than barge in. 

“Yugyeom?” Jinyoung asks. 

“It’s unlocked,” Yugyeom calls. 

Jinyoung twists the door handle, slowly opening the door until he can peek inside Yugyeom’s new room. It looks different from when Jaebeom lived in it— a bit more clutter since Yugyeom’s stuff was just moved in today. Yugyeom’s already in bed, comfortable but he hasn’t pulled the covers up yet. 

“I thought you were going to stay in my room,” Jinyoung says shyly. He’s not used to sleeping alone anymore, not since Yugyeom’s slept in his bed with the excuse of Jaebeom’s old bed not having any sheets. 

“Well, we have sheets now,” Yugyeom says, and pats the space on the bed next to him. “Maybe you can stay here for a change.” 

Jinyoung’s nervous. He’s never usually this nervous, not when it comes to Yugyeom. He thinks his heart may have stopped the moment he noticed that Yugyeom isn’t wearing a shirt like he usually does when he goes to bed. Jinyoung wonders if that habit started just because he started sleeping in the same bed as Jinyoung, or if this is his actual preferred state. He tries not to stare, but he can’t— the tattoos on his chest and his arms always make him want something more.

“Come here,” Yugyeom says, and pats the space next to him on the bed. 

Jinyoung is more daring this time. Instead of sitting on the bed next to Yugyeom, he makes himself comfortable right on top of Yugyeom’s lap. He’s never done this— the last time being when he wrestled Yugyeom’s phone out of his pocket at Jackson and Jaebeom’s place. His shorts are covering almost nothing, and Jinyoung wraps his hands around the back of Yugyeom’s neck.

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom asks. His face is pink, and Jinyoung rubs his thumb against his skin. 

“Can I—” Jinyoung hesitates. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah,” Yugyeom hums. “You can—” 

Jinyoung tunes out the rest, and without even thinking he closes the distance between their lips. They haven’t kissed since New Year’s, and it’s better this time. Yugyeom’s hand is placed carefully under his chin again, just as soft and gentle as he was at the party. Jinyoung thinks his heart might just beat out of his chest, overwhelmed by the feeling of Yugyeom’s lips softly pressed against his. He doesn’t want Yugyeom to tell him to think about Jackson again, not when Jinyoung feels like this.

Yugyeom pulls back for a moment, and his breath is ghosting against his lower lip. He still wants more, only Yugyeom moves to press his lips against Jinyoung’s neck. 

“Yugyeom,” Jinyoung gasps. “I want you to—” 

He’s thought about it. Jinyoung hasn’t stopped thinking about it since that first night, after Yugyeom offered. He’s always wanted more, he just didn’t know how to ask him for it. He feels vulnerable and embarrassed, and sighs when Yugyeom’s breath tickles against his neck. 

You want me to do what?” Yugyeom asks, breathing right against his skin.

“I want you to fuck me,” Jinyoung says, and grips Yugyeom’s shoulder. 

Yugyeom answers by gently grazing his teeth against his neck with a playful bite. Jinyoung giggles when he nips the most sensitive part of his neck, and it makes his heart soar when he can feel Yugyeom smile. He’s so gentle, his hands barely dipping underneath Jinyoung’s shirt. 

“I think we should get this off,” Yugyeom hums, and tugs on the bottom of his shirt.

“Yes,” Jinyoung whimpers. “Please.”

They’ve had weeks to explore each other’s bodies, but not anything like this. Yugyeom’s so slow and careful with him, and Jinyoung can’t help but think that maybe Yugyeom is imagining he’s with someone else. The thought passes by for a moment, when he remembers that day in the library when he mentioned the reason why he got dumped. He tries not to think about it, especially when Yugyeom’s hands trail down his chest once he finally gets his shirt off. He’s never realized how big Yugyeom’s hands were until now, right against his waist before pushing Jinyoung onto his back. Jinyoung doesn’t even have to ask before Yugyeom’s tugging at the waistband of his shorts, and takes them off just as easily.

His hands are tight around his waist, holding Jinyoung down while he presses soft kisses against his skin. Jinyoung’s sensitive to his touch already, his fingers grasping at the sheets while he tries to find anything to hang on to. He’s overwhelmed, and Yugyeom stops when he presses his lips against his lower stomach, his face just inches away from his cock.

“Always so pretty,” Yugyeom murmurs. “Thought of you like this.” It almost sounds like a confession, and Jinyoung wonders if he really means it. “I want to try something,” Yugyeom hums.

“Anything,” Jinyoung breathes. “Anything you want.”

He blushes when he watches Yugyeom— he keeps surprising Jinyoung, and it makes his heart beat out of his chest. Yugyeom’s already ready with a bottle of lube pulled from between the sheets, and presses a soft kiss to the inner side of Jinyoung’s thigh. Jinyoung wishes it could always be like this, Yugyeom’s lips pressed against his skin like they’re the only two that matter.

Yugyeom pushes his legs up against his chest, and Jinyoung holds in his breath. It’s been a while since anyone but himself has touched him like this, fingers going further until he can feel Yugyeom’s finger pressed against his taint. He’s dizzy already, head back against the bed and Jinyoung bites down on his lip the moment he can feel Yugyeom’s tongue. He’s always been a tease, moving in slow circles without giving any more pressure. His breath is hot, and Jinyoung whimpers when Yugyeom lets his spit run down his taint.

He takes it slow, with short strokes of his tongue around the rim. Jinyoung whimpers, his fingers grasping at the sheets again when Yugyeom adds more pressure with his finger. He’s hard and leaking already, his mouth slightly parted open while he can’t let the words come out of his mouth. He screws his eyes shut, and wishes Yugyeom could finally realize that Jinyoung doesn’t want anyone else but him. 

“Yugyeom,” he pleads. Jinyoung still wants— _needs_ something more. Yugyeom still has one hand on Jinyoung’s thigh, his fingers digging into the skin while he lets his tongue do all the work. He’s so good like this, and Jinyoung lets out a light, airy whine when Yugyeom pulls away and stops. 

“You don’t have to pretend,” Yugyeom says, and squeezes the lube onto his fingertips. “You don’t have to pretend that you want me.”

“I do,” Jinyoung sighs. “I do want you.” 

He wishes that Yugyeom could see him, really see him the way that Jinyoung is looking at him now. Jinyoung never knew he could feel like this, like Yugyeom’s hands are wrapped around his heart with nothing else for him to give. 

Yugyeom takes his time, soft and gentle like he’s approached everything else. There’s no hesitation when he slowly eases one finger past the rim, keeping his hands steady while he goes deeper. He knows Yugyeom’s not as shy as he looks, especially when he can feel his tongue, hot and wet pressed above his finger while he licks up his balls. Jinyoung shifts his hips, trying to feel as much of him as he can. Yugyeom’s still lazy, drawing his finger out slowly before fucking it back into him. He still wants more, more than Yugyeom can ever give him and Jinyoung lets out a quiet whimper.

He adds a second finger this time, keeping the same, steady pace while he curls his fingers. He thought Yugyeom was a tease before, but he’s even worse now, his fingers barely brushing against his prostate while Jinyoung moans out. Yugyeom still has one hand firm on his thigh to keep his legs up. He wishes he’d move, but Jinyoung can’t bear to be selfish when Yugyeom tells him to think about Jackson again. Reality is always better than fantasy, and Yugyeom’s better than anything he’s ever imagined. He’s quicker this time, adding a third finger and Jinyoung whines the moment Yugyeom finally brushes against the right spot. Yugyeom seems satisfied this time, his tongue teasing along the rim when he pumps three fingers back inside of him. 

“Please,” Jinyoung gasps. “I need you.” 

Yugyeom picks up his pace, building up a rhythm with his fingers while Jinyoung grasps onto nothing. His hands are big, but he’s seen Yugyeom— had him in his mouth but he still wants to feel him. His body is flushed, feeling the warmth of Yugyeom’s fingertips while he leaves Jinyoung waiting and wanting more every time he brushes against his prostate. Jinyoung’s getting impatient and Yugyeom surprises him by being a little rougher this time, his fingers deep while Jinyoung lets out quiet pants. 

He begs wordlessly, letting nothing but the sound of his quiet, breathy moans fill the room while Yugyeom works his fingers into him. He’s done enough waiting, bucking his hips down slightly until Yugyeom pins him down to keep him from moving with his hand against his thigh. He stops, and slowly withdraws his fingers until he leaves Jinyoung an empty, whimpering mess. His thighs are trembling, and something in Jinyoung’s heart tightens when he notices the pretty, red flush across Yugyeom’s chest. 

Jinyoung wants to keep seeing him like this, to feel him like this, the warmth of his body pressed right against his when Yugyeom finally moves. 

“I don’t,” Yugyeom breathes out shakily. “I don’t have any condoms.” 

“I’ve only been with you,” Jinyong whispers. “It doesn’t matter.” 

“I haven’t been with anyone either,” Yugyeom admits, sounding smaller than he did before. His cheeks are still flushed, and Jinyoung brushes his fingers across Yugyeom’s lower lip.

“Good,” Jinyoung smiles. “Because I only want to be with you.” 

“Don’t say things that you don’t mean,” Yugyeom murmurs, and Jinyoung can feel the head of his cock right against his taint. He doesn’t move, not yet, and before Jinyoung can say anything else, Yugyeom presses his lips to Jinyoung’s neck. “How do you want me?” Yugyeom murmurs. 

“Like this,” Jinyoung whimpers. “I want to see you.” 

He’s dizzy with want, the more Yugyeom seems to push him away. He can’t think about it now, not when he can feel the slide of Yugyeom’s cock against his taint before he finally eases himself inside of him. He’s just as gentle as he was earlier, slow and letting Jinyoung adjust to it. He’s bigger than Jinyoung imagined, and he doesn’t know how Yugyeom could think that Jinyoung would ever want someone else. He’s only now starting to think that he’s never been pretending at all. 

He wants Yugyeom to look. To see how he’s almost holding his heart in his hands, fingers pressed against his chest while Yugyeom starts building up a slow pace. Jinyoung tries to pull him in as close as possible, feeling Yugyeom’s body heat radiating against his. He likes it better this way, slightly uncoordinated while they try to figure out each other’s bodies for the first time. It’s their first big step, something more than what they’ve grown used to these past few weeks with messy blowjobs whenever time allows it.

Jinyoung feels every inch of Yugyeom pressed up against him, hot and breathing right against his neck. Yugyeom’s thrusts are measured and deep, and Jinyoung runs his hands down Yugyeom’s back to get him to move. It’s better than any dream, and his body shudders when Yugyeom quietly moans out his name. He’s never heard it like this, and Jinyoung gasps the second Yugyeom slams his hips against him even harder. 

He inhales, overwhelmed by the scent of sweat and sex and Yugyeom’s goddamn cologne. It still amazes him how Yugyeom keeps surprising him, his hands firm against his body while Yugyeom’s bare strength keeps him pinned down. Jinyoung lets his body go pliant, letting a breathy moan escape from his lips the second Yugyeom’s pace becomes more intense. He’s still flustered, all thoughts of Yugyeom spinning in his head while he fights the urge to tease him. 

“Fuck,” Jinyoung whimpers. “Gyeom—” 

“Shut up,” Yugyeom says, lips pressed up against his neck. Jinyoung thinks he might be laughing, stopping Jinyoung from making another comment about Yugyeom being a baby. Jinyoung thinks he’ll probably always be like that to him, but for right now, if Yugyeom moves his hips again Jinyoung doesn’t think he’ll last. He’s embarrassed, his heart fluttering every time Yugyeom thrusts even deeper and hits the right angle every time. It’s not until Yugyeom stops moving for a moment, and suddenly he’s looking Jinyoung in the eyes. 

He’s glowing like this, stars shining in his eyes. If he didn’t know any better, it’s like Yugyeom is looking at him like he’s in love. Yugyeom presses his forehead against his, sweaty and damp and Jinyoung’s heart soars again. He can’t bring himself to look away, not when Yugyeom can finally see him. He hopes Yugyeom knows, and Jinyoung barely whispers his name when Yugyeom keeps the same, hard pace. 

Jinyoung is breathless. He doesn’t know what to call the feeling that keeps blooming in his chest, the one whenever Yugyeom’s eyes keep sparkling while he breathes out his name. He doesn’t want to stop feeling it. Yugyeom still hasn’t even touched him and his cock is still weeping precome, untouched between both of their bodies while Yugyeom keeps the same pace with his hips. 

He doesn’t know how much longer he can last like this, with Yugyeom saying his name like a prayer. He’s finally stopped brushing Jinyoung off, and telling him to think about someone else. He can’t think about anyone else. Not when all he wants is for Yugyeom to consume him like this, their bodies flushed and hot against each other while Yugyeom fucks into him at a harder pace. Jinyoung still means it. He hasn’t wanted anyone else ever since that first night. 

“Please,” he begs. “I need you.” 

The second time Jinyoung says it, Yugyeom takes control again. He’s just as intense, his thrusts slower but deeper and harder. Jinyoung pushes and pulls, feeling Yugyeom’s heat against his body like he doesn’t want it to ever stop. He wants to keep Yugyeom in his life, as something more than this— he doesn’t want it to be fake anymore. Jinyoung wants it to be real. 

His gaze burns into him, still the same starlit eyes that take Jinyoung’s breath away. Yugyeom’s pace starts to falter, and he strokes Jinyoung’s cock with one hand, brushing his thumb right over the slit while Jinyoung lets out an airy whine. He’s so close, and when Yugyeom breathes out his name for the second time Jinyoung can’t stop himself, letting out a broken moan the second he comes all over Yugyeom’s hand. He’s still breathless, and Yugyeom slips his fingers past his lips just so he can get a taste of it. 

He’s almost high off of it, this new feeling of knowing what he wants. He wants Yugyeom, and Jinyoung just wants to take whatever he’ll give him. He wonders if this is how it’ll feel from now on, wanting without Yugyeom fully giving into him the way he wants. Something real that isn’t just between friends, but something more.

Yugyeom looks him in the eyes one last time before pressing his lips to Jinyoung’s neck again, peppering soft kisses up his jaw until he’s nipping at the skin. He can feel Yugyeom whispering his name, just as his pace begins to falter. Yugyeom’s whimpering this time, his cock going even deeper until his hips stutter. Yugyeom groans, and slowly rolls his hips while Jinyoung can feel him pulling away. 

“Don’t,” Jinyoung hums. “I want it.” 

He sets Yugyeom off the edge for the second time, and it doesn’t take much for Yugyeom to fuck back into him one last time before he buries himself even deeper until Jinyoung can feel the sheer size of him. He doesn’t think it’ll ever get better than this, when Yugyeom’s breathing out his name like a song when he comes. Jinyoung whimpers when he can feel Yugyeom’s cock twitch and spill inside of him, wet and hot while Yugyeom slowly rolls his hips. 

They stay like that for a few minutes, both listening to the sound of each other’s breaths fill the room. They’ve never managed to stay quiet for this long, and Yugyeom rubs his thumb against the skin of Jinyoung’s neck. He wants to say something, only when Yugyeom meets his eyes again he just looks sad. 

“Let me clean you up,” Yugyeom whispers. 

“Then I can stay, right?” Jinyoung says, and cups Yugyeom’s face in his hands. 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom answers, completely breathless. “Stay with me.” 

* * *

Jaebeom’s YouTube event is at the Convention Center. Jinyoung drove by himself— with Yugyeom making some excuse about having to help BamBam with something instead of coming together. He doesn’t expect the event to be so big, and Jinyoung is overwhelmed without Yugyeom. He can’t find anyone, and he fiddles with the VIP badge that Jaebeom gave him earlier that week. He feels like he’s walking around aimlessly, not knowing where the main event room is until some kind stranger manages to direct him to the right place. 

Jinyoung hangs out in the back, trying to find a familiar face without any luck. He notices Jaebeom on the stage already, bright and smiling while Youngjae is sitting on stage next to him. He’s supposed to be hosting the panel, and Jinyoung doesn’t pay attention to what’s happening. There’s a big screen in the background, playing some of Jaebeom’s youtube videos while everyone seems to be intently listening. 

He opts to stay in the back corner, and starts scrolling through his phone to find out where everyone is. His first place to check is Instagram, since he knows Jackson would be the first to post it on his story. To no one’s surprise, Jackson posted a picture of Jaebeom from somewhere in the front row— and there’s no way Jinyoung is going up there now. He sighs and pockets his phone, and just when he looks back up to the stage— Jackson’s there now, and Jaebeom is sitting on his lap. 

They’re talking about Jaebeom’s get ready with me video, and Jinyoung can’t sit through another time watching this. He’s bored, even though he wants to support Jaebeom. He adjusts the badge around his neck, and instead of sticking around to listen he quietly exits the room. The convention hallway is mostly empty by now, and Jinyoung leans against the wall while he wonders where Yugyeom is. 

He checks his phone again, scrolling through his texts to see if there’s anything he missed, but there’s nothing new. Jinyoung kicks at the ground, wishing that someone would come to find him. Jinyoung feels guilty again— about missing an event. He knows he should go back inside, but he opts to give himself another five minutes before being shoved back into the _Jackson and Jaebeom show_. They’re both popular. Everybody loves them, and they both have an array of fans. 

They look perfect. Even on the stage, with Jaebeom looking silly while sitting on Jackson’s lap. The more Jinyoung sees the both of them together, he doesn’t know if what he feels is jealousy for wishing he could be with Jackson— but jealousy for what the both of them have. Jinyoung hasn’t dated anyone in years. He’s projected too many of his fantasies onto Jackson, none of them real or anything close to something Jinyoung’s ever had. 

Jinyoung’s confused. He’s spent too many years caught up in his stupid crush he couldn’t see what was right in front of him. He doesn’t know how long Yugyeom has been waiting for him, or if Yugyeom’s been waiting for him at all. Jinyoung still can’t get the words out of his head. _‘Yugyeom’s had the biggest crush on you since high school.’_

“Hey,” someone calls after him. 

“Mm?” Jinyoung hums, and turns his head up. 

He’s surprised to see Yugyeom, standing in the hallway as if he’s been there this entire time. 

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Yugyeom says. “Where have you been?” 

“I was watching the panel,” Jinyoung nods to the room behind them. “And I just needed a break, so I came out here.” 

“Ah,” Yugyeom nods. “I didn’t see you come in.” 

Jinyoung’s hesitant. He doesn’t know why he feels so shy now, stepping forward until he’s closer to Yugyeom. The more time he’s had to think about it, his heart feels like it’s fluttering. He thinks it might beat out of his chest the moment Yugyeom reaches forward and links their fingers together. 

“Let’s go back inside,” Jinyoung decides. 

“Are you sure? We can probably just leave now,” Yugyeom says, and squeezes his hand. 

“It’ll be fine,” Jinyoung assures him. “It’s not a big deal.” 

They sneak back into the room with no problem. Youngjae’s leading the panel again, and Jackson seems to have disappeared off the stage. He’s probably in his seat in the front row, holding up his phone to take pictures of Jaebeom. Jinyoung is content, now that he’s found Yugyeom to help him get through the entire thing. It’s not bad at all, listen to Jaebeom talk about things that make him happy. He’s allowed to feel this way, because Jackson and Jaebeom have nothing to do with Jinyoung at all. 

They weren’t taking anything away from him. They never were. Jinyoung’s been used to years of self-pity when it came to Jackson. He always thought there would be something grander. A big confession, ugly tears and all. They were always going to stay friends, and that’s what Jinyoung was going to accept. He’s holding Yugyeom’s hand tightly, and squeezes it every time he takes a deep breath. It’s a relief, knowing that everything he’s felt for Jackson over the last seven years is something Jinyoung can cherish and move on from. 

“You still want to stay for the after-party?” Yugyeom asks. He has to lean down slightly to whisper into Jinyoung’s ear, his lips almost brushing right against it. 

“Let’s stay,” Jinyoung whispers back. “It’ll be fun.” 

* * *

The after-party is much more enjoyable this time around. It’s nothing like how Jinyoung felt at the game— tired and drained from the barest minimum social interactions. He’s glued to Yugyeom’s side at this point, dragging him around the afterparty while they make the rounds with all their friends. 

“I guess all that alone time worked,” BamBam says, and eyes the way that Jinyoung has his arm wrapped around Yugyeom’s waist.

“Sounds like someone is just single,” Mark bumps right into BamBam, knocking him over slightly while his drink spills out of his glass. 

“Unless,” Yugyeom stares at the two of them. “Unless you two—“ 

“God, what is everyone’s need to couple up our entire friend group now that Jinyoung and Yugyeom started dating?” Mark asks. “Jackson and Jaebeom have enough people to do double dates with.” 

“Does that mean,” Jinyoung laughs. “Did Jaebeom spring a surprise double date on you and BamBam?” 

“He did,” BamBam sighs. “God, wait, he’s coming over here right now.” 

BamBam takes Mark’s hand and drags him off before Jaebeom even shows up. There’s nowhere else left for Jinyoung and Yugyeom to go, and Jaebeom is one of the only people he still hasn’t talked to tonight. Jackson is right behind him, and Jinyoung leans his chin on Yugyeom’s shoulder and sighs. 

“I’m happy you two made it,” Jaebeom smiles. He’s so happy, and even happier that Jackson is holding his hand and pressing a kiss right against his cheek. “I hope the panel wasn’t too long.” 

“It was fun.” This time, Jinyoung doesn’t feel like he’s lying. He did have fun, especially when Yugyeom came and found him. 

“I’m glad,” Jaebeom sighs. “I was so nervous, and then Jackson came on stage and made everything better.” 

It only takes a moment for Jackson and Jaebeom to forget that everyone else is in the same room as them. Whenever they’re together, they always look at each other like they’re the only person in the room. It’s a little sappy, seeing the way they’re looking at each other right now. Noses brushing together, and Jackson giggling like Jaebeom just said the funniest thing in the world. 

Jinyoung doesn’t feel it anymore. The jealousy that used to burn. He can look at them now and feel perfectly fine and comfortable. It’s a strange feeling, one that he never thought would ever happen. He’s moving on and everything is okay. 

“Are you alright?” Yugyeom asks. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods, and pulls Yugyeom even closer to him. “I am.”

* * *

The thing about kissing Yugyeom, is that when Jinyoung starts, he can’t bring himself to stop. Every time they’re alone, or when Yugyeom closes his office door, Jinyoung can’t keep his lips off of him. Yugyeom’s busy typing away on his laptop, and Jinyoung has been pretending to do work for the last half hour while watching him. He looks cute like this, hunched over his laptop while he’s typing up his essay response for the week. 

Jinyoung knows he shouldn’t bother him, but he’s been working non-stop and deserves a bit of a break.

“Yugyeom,” Jinyoung murmurs, and presses his lips right to his ear. 

Yugyeom sighs, and immediately stops typing mid-sentence. Jinyoung smiles when Yugyeom closes his laptop and leaves it against the table. 

“No one’s even here,” Yugyeom sighs. “What do you have to prove—” 

Indeed, no one is here. Jinyoung doesn’t need to have Jackson as an audience as an excuse to kiss Yugyeom. He kisses Yugyeom because he wants to, there’s no other reason besides that. None of it ever mattered, not when Jinyoung can’t stop holding onto Yugyeom’s hand like a lifeline at every single event they go to. 

“Do I need another reason besides liking it?” Jinyoung asks.

“Jackson’s not here. He’s not going to see,” Yugyeom mumbles. 

“I don’t care if he’s not here,” Jinyoung says, and sits down right on Yugyeom’s lap. He thinks he should probably tell Yugyeom now. He’s still scared, mostly because he doesn’t know what it will mean since they just moved in together. It leaves him more vulnerable, especially when he doesn’t know how Yugyeom feels. He leans forward, and whispers right into Yugyeom’s ear. “Besides,” Jinyoung nips at his ear. “He wasn’t there last night when I had your cock in my mouth.” 

“But you wish it was him,” Yugyeom deflects again. “Don’t you?”

Jinyoung sighs, and tugs on the collar of Yugyeom’s shirt. It’s ripped already, and Jinyoung clings to it. He doesn’t know what to say, or how to tell Yugyeom how he feels besides pressing his lips against Yugyeom’s. It seems to quiet him, and Yugyeom relaxes more into his touch. He’s less tense— his body welcoming Jinyoung’s touch while he runs his hands down his body.

“Ahem,” Jaebeom coughs, and clears his throat. 

“Mm?” Jinyoung hums, and doesn’t even turn to look at Jaebeom, who’s probably standing in the doorway. 

“Please don’t tell me you’ve been using our office for—” Jaebeom gasps. “For this.” 

“We haven’t been defiling my office,” Jinyoung rolls his eyes, and gets up from Yugyeom’s lap. He’s a little disappointed that Jaebeom’s now finally deciding to use his office again, and Jinyoung slumps back down into his chair. “Since when did you start calling this our office again?”

“Since we’re doing some remodeling and I’m going to be here more often than usual,” Jaebeom states. “Yugyeom, please move.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Yugyeom shrugs. He collects his laptop off the table, and puts it in his bag. He packs everything up quickly, grabbing his jacket off the chair and slings it over his shoulder. “I’ll see you at home, Jinyoung.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung sighs, and tries not to sound disappointed again. “I’ll see you at home.” 

It’s quiet when Yugyeom leaves. Jaebeom sits at his desk like normal, and it feels like Jinyoung’s traveled back in time. The two of them in their office, quietly working together with the same level of productivity. Jinyoung stares at his monitor again, looking at the influx of emails he needs to reply to now that Yugyeom’s gone.

“How did you,” Jinyoung starts, and breaks the silence. “How did you tell Jackson that you liked him?” 

“I probably told him that I did the third time we ‘hung out,’” Jaebeom shrugs “Why do you ask?” 

“Did you always know that you liked him?” Jinyoung asks. “Or what did it feel like?” 

“It was weird,” Jaebeom answers. “I don’t know, I guess I never saw Jackson that way until you suggested we go out together,” he sighs. “I always sort of thought he was yours.” 

“You—” Jinyoung stutters. “You thought he was mine?” 

“I mean, you’re always so close,” Jaebeom explains. “I honestly thought for a while that you were dating.” 

“Weird,” Jinyoung mumbles.

“Yeah, weird,” Jaebeom laughs. “What’s gotten into you, anyway? Doesn’t Yugyeom know that you like him by now? Or are you trying to tell him that you love him?” 

“Something like that,” Jinyoung admits. “I’m just. I’m scared, I think.” 

“It’s okay to be scared,” Jaebeom says. “But I don’t think you have to worry. Yugyeom’s pretty much gone for you, I think you’re just the last person to know.” 

“It can’t be true,” Jinyoung frowns. “There’s no way he’s liked me since high school.” 

“Like I said,” Jaebeom laughs again. “You’re the last person to know.” 

Jinyoung still can’t believe it unless he hears it from Yugyeom himself. It confuses him, wondering how Yugyeom’s gone all these years without saying a thing. It’s longer than Jinyoung’s ever known Jackson, and it makes something in his chest flutter. He wishes he could’ve seen it sooner, instead of wasting all of this time thinking he wanted to be with someone else. 

* * *

It takes a few days for Jinyoung to think about what he’s going to say and prepare himself. He thinks that deep down a part of him will always be scared, even though the past few weeks he’s spent with Yugyeom have been some of the best in his life. 

Jinyoung thinks that tonight is the night. Yugyeom’s picking up takeout, and Jinyoung is sitting and waiting while going over one of Yugyeom’s essays. He’s biting down on his lip, getting nervous the more that he thinks about it. He’s going to tell Yugyeom that he likes him. For real. He’s spent too much time in the past, thinking about the _what-ifs_ when it came to Jackson. Nothing was ever going to happen, and Jinyoung thinks it’s about time he moved on. He doesn’t even think he’s felt the same in a while, letting all of those feelings fade the moment he started letting Yugyeom into his life. 

He closes his laptop, and places it on the table. It’s just after six, and Yugyeom’s taking a bit longer than he usually does. He’s curious, and when he walks over to open the front door, he’s surprised to see someone standing behind it. 

Only, it’s not Yugyeom. It’s Jackson. 

His hoodie is pulled up over his head— and Jackson looks like a complete mess. His eyes are red, like he’s been crying and he doesn’t even say a single word before pushing past Jinyoung and walking into his apartment. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Jinyoung wonders what this is about, and why it’s so _sudden_. Jackson and Jaebeom never fought, not to Jinyoung’s knowledge. They’ve always been perfect in his head. Jackson has always been perfect. 

Jackson makes himself home right on the couch— curling in on himself while Jinyoung doesn’t have any idea what to do. The last time he dealt with someone like this was Jaebeom— years ago when he spoon fed him ice cream after a breakup and set him up with Jackson like it was no big deal. 

“We got in a fight,” Jackson sniffles. “Jaebeom told me to leave.” 

“What happened?” Jinyoung asks, and rubs his hand in soothing circles against Jackson’s back. 

“There’s an offer—” Jackson explains. “A team in England. They want me.” 

“What did he say?” Jinyoung frowns. He knows Jaebeom’s always been supportive, no matter what. He knows that they can get through this, only he’s never seen Jackson look so devastated. 

“I lied to him,” Jackson cries. “I didn’t tell him and he found out about it from BamBam.” 

“You _lied_?” Jinyoung tries not to take anyone’s side, but it’s hard when he’s friends with both of them. He wants to be neutral. As far as Jinyoung knew, Jackson wasn’t the type to ever lie or hide anything this big from anyone. “You never lie.” 

“He hates me,” Jackson’s crying now, hiccuping and sobbing right into one of the pillows on Jinyoung’s couch. “He hates me and he’s never going to talk to me again.” 

“Shh,” Jinyoung soothes him. “Don’t say that, come here,” he coos, and wraps his arms around Jackson until he’s sobbing into his chest. Jinyoung doesn’t know what else to say, and keeps rubbing his hands up and down Jackson’s back until it seems like he’s calmed down enough to stop hiccuping. 

Jinyoung’s always had an image in his head. One where Jackson and Jaebeom never do anything wrong, and they’re always perfect. It’s like his illusion has been shattered, seeing the reality of their relationship. Jackson’s not perfect. He never was. They’re not immune to problems like everyone else. Jinyoung should’ve known better. 

“It’ll be okay,” Jinyoung says, his voice just above a whisper. “I know it will.” 

“He’s so mad,” Jackson sniffles. “He’s never been this mad at me before.”

Jackson looks up at him, and all it does is break Jinyoung’s heart. His eyes are red and teary, and Jinyoung wishes that he knew how to fix this. He’s not neutral to the situation— Jinyoung knows how terrible it is when someone lies to you. He’s known Jaebeom longer than he’s known Jackson, and it’s not fair to either one of them. 

He cups Jackson’s face in his hands, holding him close enough so he can wipe the tears off of Jackson’s cheeks. He’s quiet now, blinking through his tears while trying to breathe. Jinyoung keeps trying his best to soothe him, but it doesn’t seem like he’ll stop for a while. 

“He told me something,” Jackson says. “He said that you liked me.” 

Jinyoung’s face turns red. He’s not in any mood to be angry right now, not in front of Jackson. He knows that it was probably said in the heat of their fight, something Jaebeom always does when he’s angry. He can be mad at both of them later, but for now, Jinyoung has to remain calm.

“He’s unsupportive, he’s not going to let me go,” Jackson mumbles, and moves his face close to Jinyoung’s. “Not like you.” 

Before Jinyoung even realizes what’s happening, Jackson is kissing him. He’s completely frozen, his lips unmoving while Jackson presses his lips against his. It’s what Jinyoung’s wanted for so long, only he feels nothing. Seven years of his imagination, and Jinyoung doesn’t feel a single emotion at all. No spark, no sudden feeling of realization. Just cold lips against his that he wasn’t meant to touch at all. 

He pushes Jackson back, only he’s careful not to be too hard. He’s still angry, and he knows Jackson is just a mess from his fight with Jaebeom. They can talk about it later, but Jinyoung doesn’t want to be here right now, not when Yugyeom is going to come back home at any second. He distances himself, and that’s when Jinyoung hears it. 

Yugyeom’s standing at the door, dropping the bags of takeout onto the floor while Jinyoung can hear the containers break and spill out of the bag. He's not even looking at him, avoiding his eye contact while Jinyoung tries to explain. 

“Yugyeom—” 

Jinyoung doesn’t even get the chance before Yugyeom’s crashing through the front door and slamming it behind him. He doesn’t know what to do now. He can’t leave Jackson alone, but Jinyoung can’t mess up with Yugyeom either. He’s already done enough damage, and he hasn’t even gotten the chance to tell Yugyeom how he feels. 

“I’m sorry,” Jackson mumbles quietly. 

“I think,” Jinyoung says, and takes in a deep breath. “I think you should leave.” 

Jinyoung knows he shouldn’t leave him alone, but he can’t deal with him like this. He doesn’t know what to do now that Yugyeom is gone. He’s probably already halfway to BamBam’s place, and Jinyoung knows that he’s not going to let him in. 

“Can we just—” 

“Please leave,” Jinyoung says, more firm this time. 

Jinyoung doesn’t watch while Jackson leaves through the front door. He slams it closed the same way Yugyeom did, loud and hard enough for a few items in Jinyoung’s apartment to shutter. He’s alone again, and it’s too quiet. The bags of takeout are still spilling onto the floor, and Jinyoung closes his eyes and wants them to go away, even though they can’t vanish into thin air like he wants them to. 

It’s just evidence of Jinyoung's mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes. i am also a puddle after this chapter.
> 
> feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned)


	5. you and me

Jinyoung shows up at Jaebeom’s doorstep first. He already tried going to BamBam’s place, but no one even answered the door while Jinyoung sat and waited on his doorstep for what felt like hours. He doesn’t even expect Jaebeom to open the door or answer any of his texts, but the second Jinyoung knocks on his door Jaebeom opens it up like he’s been expecting him this entire time. 

Their house is a mess, and Jackson’s jersey is gone from its normal spot near the fireplace. Jaebeom invites him to sit down, and Jinyoung slumps down in one of the empty chairs. The last time he was even here was during their surprise double date, and it feels like it was an eternity ago. 

“Jackson told me that he kissed you,” Jaebeom says quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung swallows. 

“I think I’m madder at him than I am you,” Jaebeom admits. “I know I shouldn’t have said something about your crush, but I think…” Jaebeom trails off.

“What?” Jinyoung asks. 

“You know he’s been playing this entire season through an injury?” Jaebeom says, and hides his face in his hands. “For someone who’s supposed to be your best friend, it seems like he’s been keeping a lot from you too.” 

Jinyoung still remembers New Year’s day, when Jaebeom told him how upset Jackson was that he was keeping secrets from him. Jackson’s been quieter all season. He used to tell Jinyoung more about the team, and minor things that happened during his workouts. It always started shifting when he started dating Jaebeom, only now he doesn’t know how much that Jackson started keeping to himself. 

The trade was a surprise already— Jackson always expressed he was going to stay here his entire career. Jinyoung never thought it was a smart move before. He was miles better than a league this small, and it feels odd that he wants to leave now when Jaebeom and his entire life are here.

“I had no idea,” Jinyoung whispers. He’s caught off guard, realizing how much he doesn’t talk to Jackson as much as he used to. He remembers how it used to be before, and now even when Jackson always says Jinyoung can come and talk to him, it doesn’t feel that way. “I always thought he was perfect.” 

“That’s your problem, isn’t it?” Jaebeom scoffs. “You think he’s perfect. You think he can’t do anything wrong.” 

“Aren’t you two always perfect? Everyone loves you. Picture perfect on Instagram all the time,” Jinyoung comments. 

“We’re not perfect just because we look like we are. We make this work because we choose to. Nothing is ever as perfect as you make it out to be,” Jaebeom sounds sterner this time, even though his voice wavers a bit. “Stop putting Jackson on a pedestal,” Jaebeom explains. He’s not looking at Jinyoung, and Jaebeom keeps his eyes fixed to the floor. “Jackson’s been playing through this injury and moving teams, moving to an entirely different country where I can’t even—” Jaebeom stutters. “He’s been pretending he’s been fine this entire time when he’s not.” 

“I’m not defending him, and that’s partly because of my own anger,” Jinyoung sighs. “I wish last night never happened. I pushed him away.” 

“I know,” Jaebeom says earnestly. “He told me that, too.” 

“It was still wrong. I should’ve pushed him away before it happened,” Jinyoung’s voice breaks. 

“I don’t know if I can forgive him yet. For lying,” Jaebeom says, his voice even quieter than before. “This move means surgery and all these places where I can’t be, and then last night happened.” 

“I don’t like Jackson like that, not anymore, if you’re wondering,” Jinyoung reaches over to hold Jaebeom’s hand, and he takes it as a victory when Jaebeom doesn’t immediately flinch. “He kissed me and I didn’t feel a thing.” 

He’s never said it out loud until now. It feels like he can breathe now, admitting all of the things he was afraid of. He never really loved Jackson at all. Jinyoung spent too many years living in his own silly fantasy and imagination. He lost something more important and real to him when Yugyeom left.

“Why are you here?” Jaebeom asks. “Shouldn’t you be with Yugyeom?” 

“I should,” Jinyoung says, pressing his lips together in a straight line. “I don’t know where he is.” 

“Go find him,” Jaebeom sighs again. 

“You should be mad at me,” Jinyoung says, and squeezes Jaebeom’s hand. 

“Believe me, I am,” Jaebeom laughs. “God, I’m just mad at everyone right now.” 

“I’ll get going, then?” Jinyoung asks, and unlinks his fingers from Jaebeom’s. 

“Yeah,” Jaebeom nods. “Thanks for coming by.” 

* * *

Jinyoung is in his office alone when the news leaks to every major media outlet. Jackson’s injury, his upcoming surgery, and move to Manchester City. Yugyeom didn’t come to campus today, and Jinyoung sits at his computer while he looks at the blank screen. It’s been a week and he still won’t answer any of his calls or texts, and BamBam isn’t either. At this point, Jinyoung is considering waiting on BamBam’s doorstep on his knees for them to show up. 

Jaebeom still comes to the office. He’s quieter, but Jinyoung hasn’t asked him about Jackson. It mostly works in silence while they both try to navigate the space around each other without overstepping. He’s still making videos, and Jinyoung always leaves the office first. Jaebeom always says goodbye, and Jinyoung can’t help but notice the sad look in his eyes. 

“I’m leaving,” Jinyoung says, and slings his bag over his shoulder.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jaebeom replies quietly. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods. “I’ll see you.” 

The drive home is quieter than he’s used to. It’s different without Yugyeom, and he’s even more lonely when he opens the door and realizes Yugyeom’s still not home. He notices a few things gone from the apartment— nothing too major, but a few of Yugyeom’s clothes and shoes have slowly been disappearing. Jinyoung wishes he could take it back. If he could do that night differently. He should’ve run after Yugyeom instead of thinking of Jackson’s feelings first. 

He sits on the couch alone, with nothing but a glass of whiskey sitting on the table. He’s miserable and it’s his own fault, unable to talk to Yugyeom before any of this even happened. Jinyoung scrolls through his phone again, and opens his conversation with Yugyeom. He still hasn’t answered or picked up any of his calls. There’s just one person that Jinyoung is ignoring.

He’s gotten a flurry of texts from Jackson since that night. Flooded with apologies and messages about wanting to meet Jinyoung before his surgery. It feels wrong. He wonders if Jaebeom will show up at the hospital. Jinyoung’s not going to go, and that’s out of his own personal decision of wanting to give the both of them space. There are a few messages in the group chat, mostly from Mark telling them that he was the one who was going to drive Jackson. 

There are a few messages from Youngjae, telling the group chat he’d be at the hospital on the day of Jackson’s surgery. The playing season isn’t over yet— but since Jackson’s moving, he’s going to have to be in physical therapy and rehab for a few months before he gets to play for his new team. There are a few well wishes, and Jaebeom only gives the bare minimum updates— mostly about asking people to collect Jackson’s stuff before he leaves. 

Yugyeom’s the only one not sending any messages to the group chat, and Jinyoung scrolls through their own texts again. Jinyoung sent hundreds of messages over the last week, asking Yugyeom when he can meet. His read receipts are on, and that’s the only way Jinyoung knows that he’s been looking at all of them and ignoring him.

He’s about to pass out on the couch for the night, until his phone starts vibrating again. He stares down at his screen, and notices the first notifications from BamBam that he’s seen over a week. 

**BB** : come over tomorrow we need to talk

**BB** : yugyeom won’t be home tho 

**JY** : i’ll be there

Jinyoung sighs and tosses his phone between the cushions of the couch. It falls between the cracks, and Jinyoung lies his head down on the pillows. He hasn't been sleeping much, probably around four hours at best every night. It’s not the same without Yugyeom next to him, or having somebody to wake up to. He’s spent so much time thinking he was alone when Yugyeom was there the entire time, only Jinyoung didn’t realize it until it was too late. 

* * *

When he gets up in the morning, Jinyoung doesn’t realize how bad he looks when he looks in the mirror. He hasn’t shaved, and there’s dark circles under his eyes. He doesn’t make much of an effort, and changes into the first pair of clean clothes that he can find before making himself a cup of coffee before he leaves. It’s the weekend now, and close towards the end of the quarter. He’ll only get a break for a few weeks before a short Summer quarter begins, and Jinyoung wonders if Yugyeom will leave for the break. 

The drive to BamBam’s place takes a little longer. He’s on the east side, somewhere fancy and BamBam’s never invited him over before. He parks somewhere on the street, and walks past a few houses until his phone directs him to BamBam’s doorstep. It’s still early and Jinyoung takes a deep breath before knocking his fist against the door. He wonders if BamBam will even answer, despite him texting and inviting him over the night before.

It takes a few minutes, and instead of being greeted normally, Jinyoung’s face is met with BamBam’s fist, sharp right against his jaw while he takes a step back. Jinyoung turns his face, his lip bleeding from the sudden impact. 

“Fuck, Bam,” Jinyoung groans. 

“Here,” BamBam shrugs, and hands him a bag of frozen peas. “Ice up and follow me inside.” 

Jinyoung kicks off his shoes at the door, and closely follows behind BamBam while holding the bag of peas to his lower jaw. It still aches, and Jinyoung’s been wondering how much BamBam’s been working out at the gym lately. 

“Did you need to hit so hard?” Jinyoung asks. 

“You’re lucky I let you off easy,” BamBam sighs. “Now sit.” 

Jinyoung takes a glance around the room before sitting down across from BamBam. His house is neatly organized, and Jinyoung can see no trace of Yugyeom ever being here at all. 

“I told you he wouldn’t be here,” BamBam says, as if he can read Jinyoung’s mind. “He’s angry.” 

“I—” Jinyoung stutters. “I know.” 

Of course Yugyeom is angry. He walked in on Jackson kissing him. He’s got no one but himself to blame, especially for not doing things differently that night. 

“He tried so hard,” BamBam explains. “He tried so hard to get over his crush. Yugyeom swore he would.” 

“Then what happened?” Jinyoung asks. His jaw still aches, and he lowers the bag of frozen peas against his face. 

“New Year’s happened,” BamBam adds. “He told me about everything. He said it was fake.” 

Jinyoung slumps down in his seat, feeling his face heat up while his lip continues to bleed. He thinks about that night again— even on edibles Jinyoung still remembers how reluctant Yugyeom seemed to some of his touches. Like Yugyeom was holding back, and his feigned interest in wanting to kiss him. 

“It’s not fake,” Jinyoung mumbles. “At least it isn’t anymore, not to me.” 

Nothing ever really seemed fake. Jinyoung didn’t have to work at pretending with Yugyeom. It was effortless the way that they fit into each other’s lives. Jinyoung thinks he’s liked Yugyeom for a while now, only it took him too long to realize it. He’s grown used to holding Yugyeom’s hand for comfort, and sleeping next to each other just so the both of them wouldn’t feel alone. 

“Why didn’t you tell him, then?” BamBam prods. “You have a real funny way of showing it.” 

Jinyoung was supposed to. He spent at least a week practicing the speech in his head— the one where he’d confess, and Yugyeom would finally tell him to stop thinking about someone else. Yugyeom would finally see it, even if he didn’t want to. All those touches— those tiny moments where Jinyoung wanted to tuck himself away and live in even though Yugyeom would tell him to close his eyes and think about someone else.

“I was going to,” Jinyoung sighs. His lips still stings, and he twitches when he wipes the blood off. “And then Jackson came and—” 

“Jackson kissed you, and Yugyeom saw,” BamBam says, and crosses his arms. “You know, I would’ve punched him too but he’s injured.” 

“I should’ve run after him,” Jinyoung admits out loud. “I should’ve—” 

“It doesn’t matter what you should’ve done,” BamBam’s looking at him now, and Jinyoung feels like his stare is enough to scare him into not making another mistake again. “What matters is what you’re going to do next.” 

“What happens next?” Jinyoung asks. He’s confused, and tilts his head when he watches BamBam raise his brow. 

“Yugyeom’s at your place right now. He’s packing up,” BamBam shrugs. “If I let you go now, you might be able to catch him.” 

“Seriously?” Jinyoung asks. “You’re just going to let me go?” 

“As long as you don’t make another mistake, unless you want another bruise to match the other side of your jaw,” BamBam smiles. “You shouldn’t have waited so long, but I know how much you care about him. Even if Yugyeom doesn’t think so.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung breathes out. “And thank you.” 

“It’s not me you need to apologize to,” BamBam’s staring at him, although less harsh this time. “Now you should leave before you miss him.”

BamBam practically has to push Jinyoung out of his house, egging Jinyoung on while lightly punching his shoulder on his way out of the door. Even though his jaw still hurts, Jinyoung keeps the bag of frozen peas glued to his face until he gets to his car. He’s almost too nervous to drive, fidgeting in his seat the moment he gets back onto the freeway. He’s scared he’s going to miss Yugyeom, another opportunity that he’d lose before managing to find some way to see him again. 

He’s been skipping seminars and classes. Jinyoung doesn’t find him anywhere on campus, even in the secret spot in the library that Yugyeom used to go to when he was a freshman. Jinyoung ends up running up the stairs when he gets out of his car, feeling like he’s already out of breath while his lip splits open again. He fumbles with his keys in his hand, trying to open the door as fast as possible only to find it’s still unlocked. 

Jinyoung pushes past the door and lets it slam behind him, and when he gets to Yugyeom’s room, he finally sees him for the first time in a week. 

Yugyeom looks better— better than Jinyoung remembered. He has a suitcase open on the bed, and Yugyeom’s throwing all of his clothes into it. It takes Jinyoung a moment to catch his breath, only Yugyeom seems to be ignoring him. There are clothes strewn across the floor, and a few of Jinyoung’s old jackets are on Yugyeom’s bed.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asks. 

“I’m packing,” Yugyeom answers, voice curt. He still won’t look at Jinyoung, and keeps walking back and forth to his closet to fill as many clothes as possible into the suitcase. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Anywhere but here,” Yugyeom answers. “You got what you wanted, didn’t you?” his tone is laced with bitterness, and Yugyeom shoves the last bit of clothes down before trying to close his suitcase. He occupies himself with the zipper, still too busy to even look at Jinyoung. 

“I didn’t get what I wanted,” Jinyoung’s voice breaks. “I never wanted to be with Jackson.” 

It wasn’t Jinyoung’s end goal. He didn’t want to fake date Yugyeom just so he could have a chance with Jackson. He just wanted things to be the way they were before, when they were still friends who could tell each other things. Jinyoung knows that moment has already passed, and he only needs to clear things up with one of the most important people in his life. 

“Funny,” Yugyeom laughs. “Isn’t that what you said? That you were in love with him? He kissed you, you should be happy.” 

“You’re not listening to me,” Jinyoung says, and takes a step forward. Yugyeom turns his head towards the floor, and Jinyoung tries to keep himself composed. “I don’t want to be with Jackson,” he explains. “I want to be with you.” 

Jinyoung always meant it. Even when Yugyeom didn’t want to see it. Even when he was pushing him away, and telling him that he should think about Jackson instead. 

“You don’t mean that,” Yugyeom says, his voice wavering. “You don’t—” 

“How would you know how I feel if I never got to tell you?” Jinyoung places his hand over Yugyeom’s, and pushes the suitcase away before Yugyeom can occupy himself with it again. “I know it took me a while, and I was stupid.” 

“You are stupid,” Yugyeom deadpans. 

“Yes,” Jinyoung says, and squeezes Yugyeom’s hand. “I know I was.” 

“You’re just—” Yugyeom stutters. “You’re just confused.” 

“I’m not confused,” Jinyoung shakes his head. “Please look at me,” Jinyoung’s voice is breaking, and he places his free hand under Yugyeom’s chin to tilt his face toward him. “Please.” 

“God,” Yugyeom breathes out. “You’re a mess.” 

Yugyeom’s finally looking at him for the first time in a week, and it feels like Jinyoung can’t breathe the moment he feels Yugyeom’s fingertips brush over his bruised lip. His fingers are so gentle, and Jinyoung tries not to wince when he wipes the dried blood off of his lip. 

“I like you,” Jinyoung finally confesses. “I like you so much, I don’t want to ever be with anyone else.” 

“Don’t—” 

“I know it took me a while to catch up,” Jinyoung continues. “I think after that double date I realized some things a little too late,” he thinks he might be crying now, and Yugyeom doesn’t look away this time. “I was going to tell you how I felt that night.” 

“But you kissed him,” Yugyeom says. 

“I know, and I’m sorry for that,” Jinyoung says quietly. “I’ll never stop apologizing for that. It was wrong, and I felt nothing. I don’t think I ever really loved Jackson.” 

“Do you mean it?” Yugyeom asks. He carefully swipes the pad of his thumb underneath Jinyoung’s eye, wiping away one of his stray tears. 

“I always do,” Jinyoung whispers. “I like you so much, I never want to—” 

Jinyoung’s taken by surprise when Yugyeom kisses him for the first time. Jinyoung’s always been the one to initiate it, and he places his hand under his chin to tilt his face upwards the same way he did on New Year’s. Jinyoung melts into it, letting the feeling consume him when Yugyeom finally lets him in. He pulls away for a moment, still feeling the sting on his lips while Yugyeom breaths against them. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jinyoung whispers. “I’m sorry it took me so long.” 

“I’m still mad at you,” Yugyeom says, and traces his finger over Jinyoung’s lip. “I’m not letting you off that easy.” 

“I know,” Jinyoung says, and breathes against Yugyeom’s lips. “Just say that you’ll stay with me.” 

“I need to unpack,” Yugyeom laughs, and brushes the tears off of Jinyoung’s face. “And I’ll stay.” 

* * *

Jinyoung gives Yugyeom space. He still needs some time, and the two of them sleep in their own rooms. Yugyeom starts coming to school again, although he doesn’t hang out in his office since Jaebeom’s been occupying the other half of the room. It’s not the same, but Jinyoung waits until it hits three o’clock so he can meet Yugyeom out on red square so the both of them can get a late meal after Yugyeom looks through microfilms again. 

“Are you coming to the hospital on Saturday?” Jaebeom asks, and snaps Jinyoung out of his daze. 

“What?” Jinyoung asks. “You’re going?” 

“I just thought you’d want to go,” Jaebeom shrugs. “I’m still mad. No matter how mad I am at him, I still love him.” 

Jinyoung thinks about it. He pulls up his calendar again, which is mostly empty until Summer term starts. He’s been through it with Jackson before, all of his minor injuries and visiting Jackson while he did light rehab during the offseason. He’s still mad, like Jaebeom said. 

“I’d like it if you were there,” Jaebeom says quietly. 

“Okay,” Jinyoung nods. “I’ll be there. For you,” he adds. There’s no other reason for Jinyoung to be there at all, knowing how much he feels about the situation. He still hasn’t seen Jackson since that night, and Jaebeom gives him a small smile. 

The room is quiet again, with nothing but the sounds of Jaebeom’s keyboard while he types away. Jinyoung still has some work left to do, and he stares at his screen of notes from his last discussion with his advisor for his project. He somehow feels more at ease with his tasks now, considering how much work he’s been able to do over the past few weeks. 

“Thanks,” Jaebeom clears his throat. “For saying that you’d come.” 

“I want to be there for you,” Jinyoung replies. “Have you talked to him since?” 

“Just a little,” Jaebeom answers. His back is still facing Jinyoung, and Jaebeom is still distracting himself while typing at his computer. “He apologized. He was crying on his knees, even though he really shouldn’t be. Not good for his surgery.” 

“I never felt anything,” Jinyoung blurts out. “I think for a long time, I was too into this fantasy that I was in love with him.” 

“I know,” Jaebeom nods. 

“You know?” Jinyoung asks. 

“You should see the way you look at Yugyeom,” Jaebeom stops typing, and finally looks at Jinyoung for the first time since they came into their office. “Emotions and feelings are complicated. It just took you a long time to figure it out.” 

“Still, I was pretty fucked up,” Jinyoung sighs. 

“Yes,” Jaebeom nods. “You were,” he pauses, and folds his arms across his chest. “Jackson too.” 

Jinyoung wonders what’s going to happen next. He remembers thinking that Jackson and Jaebeom were perfect, and that they never had any problems. He thinks about his friendship with Jackson, someone he used to trust enough to go to whenever he was struggling. He thought Jackson would too, only Jinyoung’s been in the dark about too many secrets. The move, injuries, and whatever else that Jackson never mentioned to him anymore. 

“Was there a reason why Jackson got mad that I didn’t tell him about Yugyeom?” Jinyoung asks. “The secrets thing. It seems like he had a few of his own, didn’t he?” 

“I used to think that he liked you,” Jaebeom shrugs. “He kissed you and he said he didn’t feel a thing.” 

“Wow,” Jinyoung sighs, and closes his laptop. He knows he won’t be able to sit still while waiting for Yugyeom to get out of his seminar, and Jinyoung sits there in disbelief. 

“He said that he thought that he always knew, you’d only ever be a friend. Especially when you set us up together,” Jaebeom explains. “He told me that the only feelings he ever had for you were platonic, and he knows that he can’t give any more excuses for that kiss.” 

“So what are you going to do?” Jinyoung asks. 

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom frowns. “We always make this work, but this time…” he trails off. “I don’t know if I can fix it.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung murmurs. 

“I’ll sit on it until the surgery,” Jaebeom sighs. “We’ll see.” 

“I have to go, but,” Jinyoung hastily packs his things away, and turns off his extra computer monitor. “Can we talk again later?” he asks, trying not to sound too hopeful. 

“Yeah,” Jaebeom nods. “I can come by for dinner sometime?” 

“Sounds good,” Jinyoung smiles. “I’ll see you.” 

Jinyoung leaves the door to their office propped open— per Jaebeom’s request for office hours. He walks through the back stairs of the building to avoid running into other students on his way out, and once he gets outside he takes his time on his walk to meet Yugyeom. 

Spring on campus is the best time of the year. Jinyoung remembers how rainy it was in January, running next to Yugyeom with nothing but his jacket to cover the both of them from the rain. There’s students everywhere, all taking pictures with the cherry blossom trees underneath the grass. Jinyoung stops for a moment, and stares as he watches the petals fall in the grass. 

He takes his phone out of his pocket, and just before he opens the camera he stares at his lock screen. He changed it a while back— it’s a photo with Yugyeom that he took in his office one afternoon while they were supposed to be working. They’re squished together on the couch, and Jinyoung smiles when he remembers how hard it was for Yugyeom to take the selfie. He forgets all about taking a picture, and pockets his phone again before moving on. 

Jinyoung waits in front of the library for Yugyeom, right on top of the steps in the same spot when the both of them came here together. He fiddles with the strap of his bag, watching as more students seem to pass by him. It’s a busy afternoon, and Jinyoung can’t seem to find him anywhere. He tries to check his phone, and opens up his texts to see if Yugyeom canceled on him or not. 

“Hey,” Yugyeom says, and flicks Jinyoung’s phone screen. 

Jinyoung nearly drops his phone, and when he looks up, Yugyeom’s standing just a step below him. 

“More newspaper stuff today?” Jinyoung asks, and shoves his phone into his bag. 

“Just a few things that I need to work on over the summer,” Yugyeom says. “I’m getting ahead of the game.” 

Yugyeom walks past him, and Jinyoung follows closely behind. They haven’t held hands in a while, and Jinyoung is hesitant to reach out. He doesn’t want to do anything without Yugyeom’s say first, and Jinyoung just shoves his hand into his pockets and tries not to feel like something is missing. He’s a little slow to catch up, and just before they get to the stairs Yugyeom turns around to check on him. 

“You still coming?” Yugyeom asks. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nods. “Sorry.” 

“Come here,” Yugyeom says, and holds out his hand.

Jinyoung hesitates again before taking Yugyeom’s hand. He’s warm, and Jinyoung can feel the blush spread across his face when Yugyeom links their fingers together. He’s embarrassed already, hoping that his sweaty hands don’t give it away that Jinyoung is a complete mess. Yugyeom doesn’t say anything else, and tugs on Jinyoung’s hand while they walk down the stairs together. 

* * *

Jinyoung almost dozes off in the library. He’s sitting next to Yugyeom with his book in hand, slipping from his fingers while his head falls. Yugyeom’s quick to catch him, scooting his chair closer until Jinyoung’s head falls against his shoulder. It’s enough to wake him up, and Yugyeom places his hand on Jinyoung’s cheek. 

“Sorry,” Yugyeom says. “You were falling asleep.” 

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung yawns. “Are you almost done?” 

“Give me ten more minutes,” Yugyeom mumbles. “Then I’ll be done.” 

Jinyoung watches while Yugyeom goes through all the reels. There are only four of them, but the microfilm reels are so big that Jinyoung wonders how Yugyeom can spend hours looking through multiple articles. Jinyoung feels guilty, knowing he must’ve been behind since he avoided going to the library while they weren’t speaking. It was one of the first places Jinyoung went, hanging out between the cabinets of the archive files hoping he’d catch a glimpse of Yugyeom. 

“Would you be okay if I invited Jaebeom over for dinner?” Jinyoung asks. “He’s been having a hard time since Jackson’s surgery is on Saturday.” 

“I don’t see why not,” Yugyeom shrugs. “Have you...” he pauses. “Have you spoken to Jackson?” 

“No,” Jinyoung answers honestly. “I haven’t.” 

“He apologized to me,” Yugyeom confesses. “I don’t know how he even found me, but I talked to him.” 

“Jaebeom wants me to come with him,” Jinyoung says, and takes hold of Yugyeom’s hand. “Would that be okay? If I went to the hospital?” 

“BamBam’s going, too,” Yugyeom squeezes his hand, and lets go just before exiting out of the computer. He’s completely forgotten about the newspaper, and the screen goes blank when Yugyeom logs out. “I was going to go with him, if you wanted to.” 

“We can go together,” Jinyoung suggests. 

“I still feel…” Yugyeom trails off. “It’s hard. I know it’s hard, but I would also feel weird not going.” 

“I wasn’t going to go,” Jinyoung confesses. “I wasn’t planning on it until Jaebeom asked me to be there.” 

“I’ll think about it,” Yugyeom says, and puts his things away in his bag. 

“Whatever’s comfortable for you,” Jinyoung reassures him. 

Jinyoung waits for Yugyeom to make the move. He’s still dancing around the subject. He knows they won’t be able to dive in headfirst and for things to be the same right away, but Jinyoung still misses him, even when they’re both sleeping alone at night. 

“Let’s go home,” Yugyeom sighs.

Jinyoung’s the first to get up, standing awkwardly out of his chair while he pushes it back to one of the empty tables he stole it from. There’s fewer people in the library now that it’s getting late, and after he’s done he rubs at the back of his neck. He’s a bit sore from sitting uncomfortably, and groans when he feels the weight of his bag shift. 

“Here,” Yugyeom murmurs, and places his hand on the back of Jinyoung’s neck. “Let’s switch bags.” 

“Wow,” Jinyoung jokes. “Here I thought you were going to offer to carry them both.” 

“I only have my laptop in mine, so you take it,” Yugyeom smiles, and trades bags with Jinyoung. He’s not going to complain, especially since Yugyeom’s bag was actually way lighter than his own. 

“You’re a brat,” Jinyoung grumbles. 

“Yeah, but you like it,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes, and holds out his hand. “Let’s go.”

Jinyoung holds onto his hand and doesn’t let go this time. 

* * *

Jaebeom doesn’t stay over too long after they finish having dinner together. Jinyoung embraces the comfortable silence, washing the dishes while Yugyeom dries them off and puts them away in their rightful place. Jinyoung still has some cleaning up to do, since he’s gone and made a mess of the place in the time that Yugyeom’s been gone. There’s still a few stray items left on the coffee table, and instead of picking them up, Jinyoung lies down on the couch by himself.

Yugyeom’s still putting the dishes away, and Jinyoung drags a pillow over his stomach while he watches. It still doesn’t feel real, that Yugyeom is here and he's back. Yugyeom hums while he’s putting everything in the kitchen away, and when he’s done he takes Jinyoung by surprise. Instead of retreating back to his room like he usually does, he slumps right onto the couch on top of Jinyoung. 

“Get off me,” Jinyoung groans. He’s secretly missed it this entire time, Yugyeom cuddling him on the couch like a giant teddy bear.

“You like it,” Yugyeom says, and rests his head against Jinyoung’s chest. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Jinyoung whispers, and runs his fingers through Yugyeom’s hair. “I missed you so much.” 

“Can I,” Yugyeom hesitates, and Jinyoung softly rubs his hand against the back of his neck. “Can I sleep with you tonight?” 

“Yes,” Jinyoung says, and tries not to get too excited. “Of course you can.” 

When they both get ready for bed, Yugyeom stands a little too close to him while he brushes his teeth. They’re both crowded against the sink, and Jinyoung playfully pushes back before he rinses his toothbrush. He settles into bed without Yugyeom first, and notices that he left his phone on the bed. It’s unlocked, and Jinyoung doesn’t mean to look at it, only when he sets it on the bedside table he realizes that Yugyeom left his browser history open. 

Jinyoung’s face turns red, and he sets it on the bedside table with the screen face down. 

“What?” Yugyeom asks, and throws his towel into the basket next to Jinyoung’s closet. 

“Nothing,” Jinyoung shrugs. “Come here.” 

When Yugyeom asked Jinyoung if he could sleep with him tonight, Jinyoung didn’t expect this. Yugyeom’s not wearing a shirt again, and his face still feels red after seeing Yugyeom’s browser history. He hides his face under the covers, and Yugyeom settles on the bed right next to him. 

“What’s wrong?” Yugyeom asks, and pulls down the blanket. 

“You’re—” Jinyoung stutters. “Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” 

“I thought you liked my tattoos,” Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung watches as he traces over the one on his ribcage with his fingers. 

“I do,” Jinyoung admits. “But I thought you wanted to take things slow?” 

“Slow,” Yugyeom laughs. “You thought I wanted to take things slow?” 

“We weren’t sleeping in the same room,” Jinyoung says, and tries to ignore the way Yugyeom keeps on getting closer until he’s nearly on top of him. “I was giving you space.” 

“I liked it for a while,” Yugyeom hums, and leans in until his lips are pressed against Jinyoung’s neck. “But I think it’s been long enough.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung breathes. “I saw your browser history.” 

“What?” Yugyeom says, and lets his teeth graze against his neck. 

“The step-sibling porn,” Jinyoung tries to hold in his laugh, but he can’t when Yugyeom licks over the most sensitive part of his neck. “I didn’t know you were into that.” 

“Shut up,” Yugyeom gets his hands around Jinyoung’s waist, and pins him to the bed. 

Yugyeom’s a little sloppy, getting the rest of Jinyoung’s clothes off while Jinyoung can’t help but giggle. His shirt comes off easily, pulled right over his head while Yugyeom barely manages to get his shorts off. It’s been so long since they’ve even touched each other like this, and Jinyoung thinks he might melt even though he’s still intent on embarrassing Yugyeom one last time.

“What are you doing, stepbro?” Jinyoung plays it up too much, making his voice go a pitch higher while Yugyeom traces his fingers over his nipples. 

“You saw my browser history once—” 

“So you aren’t into it?” Jinyoung asks. 

Yugyeom doesn’t answer, and shuts Jinyoung up with a kiss. He starts off innocent, with his thumb carefully caressing his cheek. He loves learning new things about Yugyeom— from the way that he moves and the way his lips feel. He can’t help but melt into Yugyeom’s touch, feeling dizzy already just from a simple kiss. It’s like Yugyeom already has his heart in his hands, and Jinyoung closes his eyes the moment he pulls away. It’s only for a brief second, and Jinyoung can feel Yugyeom’s lips pressed against his jaw. 

“Shut up,” Yugyeom says, his breath tickling his jaw. Jinyoung laughs and they’re an uncoordinated mess moving against the sheets while he tries to push Yugyeom’s boxers down.

It’s almost a challenge, the way Yugyeom teases him and trails his hands down his body. He’s sensitive to the touch, and Jinyoung completely forgets about embarrassing Yugyeom. It doesn’t take much to get him worked up, and Jinyoung is already fumbling trying to open his bedside drawer when Yugyeom gives him space to breathe. Yugyeom’s quicker, easily finding the bottle of lube while he takes it in his hands. 

Jinyoung thinks about the first time— Yugyeom’s gentle hands while he explored his body. It’s different this time, and Yugyeom wraps his hands around his waist and flips him onto his stomach. He’s handling him rougher this time, using his strength to keep Jinyoung from grinding his hips into the bed. He’s hard already, and Jinyoung stifles a whimper when Yugyeom opens the bottle of lube. Jinyoung thinks he might have to tease him more often now, especially if Yugyeom is going to keep handling him like this. He starts slowly again, and Jinyoung tries to shift his hips back. 

“Eager,” Yugyeom hums. He presses on hand against his lower back, and Jinyoung stays still. 

“Yugyeom,” Jinyoung’s already breathless, and he’s barely touched him. Even after all this time— he’s still surprised by Yugyeom. He never knows what to expect, and when his hands start going lower and lower Jinyoung presses his face against the pillow. 

He spreads him apart, fingers teasing along the rim while he drizzles lube over his taint. It’s like Yugyeom’s already memorized his body, starting slow with one finger the same way he did on the first night. Jinyoung’s never felt so sensitive, especially when Yugyeom keeps one hand against his lower back. He wishes he could see Yugyeom now the deeper he goes, and even then it’s still not enough. 

“Please,” Jinyoung whimpers. “I want to see you.” 

Yugyeom’s rougher this time, adding a second finger and letting him get used to the stretch. He curls his fingers slightly, pushing in deeper while keeping one hand steady around his waist. His nails are digging into his skin, and Jinyoung stifles his moan against the pillow. Everything is overwhelming, and even more when Yugyeom whispers his name. 

It’s been so long— and Jinyoung thought about him like this. When he’s alone, wishing Yugyeom was here and pushing him down into the bed until there’s nothing else between them. 

“Not yet,” Yugyeom whispers, and Jinyoung can feel his breath against his skin. Yugyeom’s mouth is so close, just hovering over his fingers. He’s still moving his fingers at a slow pace, fucking them back into him while Jinyoung pleads for more. He’s always been a tease, stretching him out with his fingers while his tongue is hot and barely pressing against the rim. He adds a third, and Jinyoung doesn’t want him to stop. He’s teary-eyed already, and when Yugyeom curls his fingers again he lets out a choked-out sob. 

His heart is beating fast, and Jinyoung’s body feels flushed all over. He wants to keep feeling like this forever, just the two of them exploring each other’s needs and wants until they memorize every part of each other. Jinyoung wonders how many times Yugyeom’s going to keep surprising him, and before he manages to get the words out of his mouth Yugyeom’s hands are back on his waist and flipping him onto his back. 

Yugyeom’s gaze is always intense. The last time he looked at Jinyoung like this was the first night they were together. When Yugyeom told him to think about Jackson instead. He can’t look away, and Jinyoung feels like can’t breathe. Yugyeom’s hands are pressed against his chest, and he slowly rolls his hips while Yugyeom’s forehead rests against his. 

“I think,” Jinyoung breathes. “I love you.” 

“I’ve been waiting so long to hear you say that,” Yugyeom whispers, and links their fingers together. It’s so close and more intimate than they’ve ever been, and Jinyoung feels like he’s floating. 

“Are you going to say it back?” Jinyoung asks, and squeezes his hand. 

“God,” Yugyeom sighs. “I love you,” he says. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeats, and presses a soft kiss against Jinyoung’s lips. Their hands are still clasped together, with Yugyeom pinning him to the bed while he can feel his cock brush up against his taint. He doesn’t even have to ask before Yugyeom adjusts and slowly pushes his cock past the rim. 

“Move,” Jinyoung pleads. 

“We have so much time,” Yugyeom says, breathing against his lips. “The rest of our lives together,” he adds, and squeezes Jinyoung’s hand. 

“Yes,” Jinyoung gasps. “But I need you to—” 

Yugyeom starts at a lazy pace, pushing deeper until Jinyoung can feel him bottom out. He presses their bodies closer together, feeling nothing but skin and the scent of Yugyeom’s cologne lingering against the sheets. He stops moving, his body flushed and warm against him while his cock sits deep inside of him. 

“I love you,” Yugyeom says again. 

He starts moving his hips again, building up a slow rhythm while keeping their fingers intertwined. Jinyoung’s never felt better, breathing in while it feels like his heart is swelling. He wants more days just like this, completely consumed by each other with nothing but love pouring from his lips. It’s better than the first time. There’s no misunderstandings, just Yugyeom steadily moving his hips until Jinyoung gets the same, dizzying rush flowing to his head. He feels it deeper, with Yugyeom quickening his pace while he slams his hips against him. 

Yugyeom’s thrusts are measured and more intense this time, and Jinyoung gets lost in the feeling of the heat between their bodies. They move together, Jinyoung still clasping tightly onto Yugyeom’s hand while he quickens his pace. Yugyeom’s grip is almost bruising, and Jinyoung whimpers when Yugyeom finally manages to find the perfect pace. He loves Yugyeom like this. The push and pull between rough and gentle and a new side of him that he’s never seen. 

“Gyeom,” Jinyoung gasps. He’s close, his cock leaking and untouched between the both of them. He wishes he could pull him in even closer, just to feel Yugyeom’s heartbeat against his chest while he unlinks their fingers. 

Yugyeom finally wraps one hand around his cock, thumb stroking over the slit while a mess of precome pools between their stomachs. He can’t last much longer like this, with Yugyeom’s lips wet against his neck while he fucks him through it. The same feeling keeps growing in his chest— his heart blooming every time Yugyeom looks at him. It always feels like the first time, the shared breath between the two of them when Yugyeom strokes his cock one last time before he comes and his entire body shudders. He’s still breathless, feeling nothing but pleasure and desire when Yugyeom keeps slowly rolling his hips. 

“C’mon,” Jinyoung croons, and clasps their hands together again. He can tell Yugyeom is close, his breath hot against his neck while he fucks Jinyoung through his orgasm. It’s almost too much at once, Yugyeom is still sensitive to the touch when Jinyoung feels himself clench around him. He doesn’t need anything else, just Yugyeom and his hands and the sound Yugyeom makes every time he whispers into his ear. 

Yugyeom feels like home. Even when his grip is bruising, their bodies are almost in sync when Yugyeom starts building up his pace again. He’s rough with it, sloppy and uncoordinated while Jinyoung lets out an airy whine. He keeps getting closer and closer and Jinyoung whispers nothing but praise into his ear. He’s in love and never wants it to stop. 

There’s a wild look of wonder in his eyes when he pulls back for a moment, glowing like the first time Yugyeom’s ever seen him like this. His lips are slightly parted open, and a dusting of rosy red across his cheeks. Jinyoung’s captivated and he can’t look away. Yugyeom’s lips are just inches away, breath ghosting against his lips while his pace stutters. It’s even more intense this time when he can feel Yugyeom inside of him— pulsing hot and wet when he shakily breathes through it. 

It’s a mess but Jinyoung likes it this way, Yugyeom’s lips pressed against his own while he stirs his hips and fills him up with his come. It shouldn’t be this hot but Jinyoung’s heart is fluttering, hands wrapped tightly around Yugyeom’s while he pulls him down until he can feel his weight on top of him. 

“I never want you to leave,” Jinyoung says, barely catching up with his breath. “I only want to be with you.” 

“Good,” Yugyeom says, and presses a soft kiss against his neck. “Because I only want to be with you, too.” 

* * *

Jinyoung gives Jaebeom a ride to the hospital. It’s weird seeing Jackson for the first time in a while, and Jinyoung steps back when he watches the two of them talk before his surgery. Jaebeom nods and listens intently to the doctor, and Jinyoung notices the way he’s squeezing Jackson’s hand tightly. He knows they still haven’t really talked— Jaebeom told him earlier on their way to the hospital. Jinyoung’s sitting in one of the chairs further away, and he wrinkles his nose when he notices Jackson glance over his way. 

Jinyoung doesn’t look back. 

He picks up one of the magazines on the table, and idly flips through it until Jaebeom joins him in the empty seat next to him. The surgery would only last an hour, two at the most if something happens. Jinyoung is sure that the doctor has assured Jaebeom that it won’t, and when he’s done flipping through his magazine, he notices Jaebeom’s tight grip on the armrest right next to him. 

“Sorry,” Jaebeom mumbles. 

“It’s okay to be stressed,” Jinyoung says quietly. 

“I know he’ll be fine,” Jaebeom sighs. “It’s just. Nothing’s the same.” 

“I don’t think anyone could ever go back to normal after this,” Jinyoung places his hand over Jaebeom’s, and lets their fingertips brush together. “Has anything ever really been normal?” 

“Not really, no,” Jaebeom shrugs. “Considering Jackson’s job, I always thought he’d leave. I just thought that he would tell me about it first.” 

Jinyoung knows they haven’t spent as much time together as they used to. It’s been a slow decrease, when the two of them started spending less and less time together when Jaebeom started dating Jackson. He felt even more separated when Jaebeom officially moved out. The same goes with Jackson, even though he always promised that he’d be there if he ever needed someone to talk to. 

“I was surprised you didn’t know either,” Jaebeom admits. “I thought you would be the first to know.” 

“I was just in the dark as you were,” Jinyoung sighs. “I don’t think I’ve really talked much with Jackson at all over the last two years.” 

Jinyoung never noticed. Not at first. When he started to drop off on answering his texts, and the more Jinyoung started to pull away. It was silly of him to hold on to the fantasy for this long, and he knows now that his feelings for Jackson were something different. Jinyoung just missed being around his friends, even though he was already pulling away the moment they started dating. 

“I thought about it,” Jaebeom mumbles. “I think we’re going to give this some time, but I said I would come to visit him at the end of the summer.” 

“Hey,” Mark says, and sits in the empty chair next to Jaebeom. “There you two are. I’ve been looking around the waiting room for you both.” 

“BamBam didn’t come?” Jinyoung asks. 

“No,” Mark shakes his head. “He’s with Yugyeom. Youngjae and Brian said they’d be on their way soon.” 

Mark is good with Jaebeom. It eases up the pressure just a little bit, and Jinyoung feels like he can breathe a little easier. He knows Jaebeom asked him to be here, but it still feels different. It’s weird to think that at a point in his life there was a time where he would’ve never missed anything Jackson asked him to come to. Every game. Every party. Anything and Jinyoung would be there. He feels selfish for wanting to leave, even after Jaebeom asked Jinyoung if he could stay after the surgery ended so they could visit him together. 

The waiting room feels stuffy, and Jinyoung excuses himself to stand outside for a bit. The spring air is still settling, and he stands outside the hospital kicking his feet around in the grass in the parking lot. 

Jackson leaving means change. He always knew things were going to change, even though everyone promised they would stay the same. Jackson changed that the moment he decided to kiss him, and when he started keeping secrets. He decides to call Yugyeom, and Jinyoung holds his phone close to his ear while he listens to the phone ring. 

“Aren’t you at the hospital?” Yugyeom asks when he picks up. 

“Yeah, I stepped out for a bit,” Jinyoung answers. “I don’t know…” he trails off. 

“It feels weird, doesn’t it?” Yugyeom asks. “I am mad at him, but I also feel… bad.” 

“Soccer is important to him,” Jinyoung bites down on his lip. He remembers how Jackson took a risk when he dropped out of college. “This injury doesn’t change what he did.” 

“We can still feel both at the same time,” Yugyeom tells him. “Secrets like this. They have a cost.” 

“If he didn’t find out from BamBam, the news would’ve leaked somewhere,” Jinyoung sighs. “I think that would’ve hurt Jaebeom more.” 

“He told me that you didn’t kiss him back,” Yugyeom replies. “And he regretted taking advantage of your feelings.” 

“I’m sorry you got caught up in all this mess,” Jinyoung says quietly into the phone. “The moment he kissed me. I hated it, because the only person I wanted it to be was you.” 

“It’s funny,” Yugyeom laughs. “I think I’ve liked you since—” 

“Since we were in high school?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Who told you that?” Yugyeom scoffs into the phone. “I didn’t think you remembered.” 

“BamBam told me,” Jinyoung answers honestly. “I didn’t realize it, and I think I asked my mom to look through my old yearbook to find your picture.” 

“I still have mine,” Yugyeom says. “We can look through it together, when you get back from the hospital.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung replies. “I’d like that.” 

“I better let you go, then,” Yugyeom says softly. “I’ll see you tonight?” he asks. 

“I’ll see you tonight,” Jinyoung’s never smiled so hard, even if Yugyeom can’t even see him right now. 

* * *

Jackson’s surgery goes well. He’s not quite awake at the end of it, and Jinyoung waits outside the room while Jaebeom visits him by himself first. There’s a limit of two people at a time, and Mark is outside waiting for him along with Youngjae and Brian. He peeks through the window, and notices Jaebeom holding Jackson’s hand. There’s still hope somewhere, that the both of them will find a way to work this out. 

“Are you going?” Mark asks. 

“I was going to stay for a bit, since Jaebeom asked me to,” Jinyoung answers. “But it looks like I might not have to.” 

“They’ll get there, I think,” Mark shrugs. “Not now, but maybe eventually.” 

Jinyoung stays. He waits outside the door, and it’s long enough for Mark to leave along with Youngjae and Brian. Jackson doesn’t stay up for long, falling asleep while Jaebeom sits in the chair next to him before motioning for Jinyoung to come in. 

He’s still hesitant, even with his hand around the door before making his way inside. Jackson’s eyes are closed, and it’s the first time he’s really seen him since that night. It feels weird being here, and Jaebeom pats the empty seat next to him for Jinyoung to sit down. 

“We talked,” Jaebeom says quietly. “We’re not— It’s—” he stutters. “It’s over.” 

“I’m sorry, Jaebeom,” Jinyoung links their fingers together, and he still can’t help but feel like it’s his fault. “I should’ve—” 

“If it wasn’t about the kiss it was going to be about the distance,” Jaebeom explains. “And the lies.” 

“I can take you home, if you like,” Jinyoung offers. “It’s getting late.” 

“They’re letting me stay the night,” Jaebeom sighs. “I’m going to. One last time.” 

“Are you sure? Jinyoung asks, and squeezes Jaebeom’s hand. 

“Yeah,” he nods. “I’m sure.” 

Jinyoung says one last goodbye. He won’t be seeing Jackson for a while after this. Jaebeom told him it would be rehab, training, and off to a flight across the world. He’s still asleep, and Jaebeom lets go of Jinyoung’s hand so he can properly get up from his chair again. He tries to ignore all the tubes— hospitals still scare him just a little bit, even though Jackson looks calm while he’s sleeping. 

It’s a goodbye for all the years Jinyoung spent thinking about Jackson when he should’ve moved on earlier. All the regrets and wasted years in between, and it’s worse now that Jaebeom’s gotten hurt in the process. Jinyoung was right about the timing never being right. It was never right because it wasn’t meant to be in the first place. 


	6. i always knew

It’s Yugyeom’s first day of high school when he catches a glimpse of Jinyoung in the hallways at school. He’s with Jaebeom— laughing about something and Yugyeom finds himself leaning against the lockers while he stares through a crowd of people. It’s not a crush. Yugyeom doesn’t know Jinyoung well enough. He just sees him in passing, in the hallways at school, and when Yugyeom hangs out under the bleachers with BamBam to watch soccer practice. 

It’s not a crush. 

It’s not a crush when Yugyeom sees Jinyoung again— about four years later at his first class of the quarter. Jinyoung’s the TA and BamBam pesters Yugyeom into sitting in the front of the lecture hall so both of them can bombard Jinyoung with useless questions about their readings. BamBam’s friend Mark introduces them again later, and Jinyoung doesn’t remember that they went to the same high school. BamBam didn’t either, not until Yugyeom came over to his dorm later that night with their freshman yearbook in his hands while they went through all the senior photos. 

Yugyeom’s starting to think it is a crush when he starts asking Jinyoung for help on his essays. He doesn’t say no, and Jinyoung always walks him through everything without making him feel overwhelmed. It gets worse every time BamBam drags Yugyeom out to hang out with Jinyoung and all of his friends. 

It’s definitely a crush when he sees Jinyoung looking at Jackson the same way he always looks at Jinyoung. It only ever seems to get worse. Yugyeom avoids hanging out with Jinyoung alone for this reason. He doesn’t know how he manages to stay in Jinyoung’s life, especially after he graduates from college. 

It’s Jinyoung’s graduation party where Yugyeom finds himself in the corner, chatting with Jackson while Jinyoung is busy talking to someone else. Yugyeom doesn’t know Jackson as well as the others, mostly because Yugyeom can’t seem to match up with Jackson’s schedule as a soccer player. It still feels surreal, that Yugyeom even knows someone who plays professionally. Jackson’s talking about conditioning and training and suddenly Jackson’s looking at him right in the eyes, because he notices Yugyeom’s not paying attention to him at all. 

“You got it bad, you know that?” Jackson sighs, and places his hand on Yugyeom’s shoulder.

“W-What?” Yugyeom stutters. 

“Your crush,” Jackson says, and nods towards Jinyoung. “You know that’s never going to get anywhere, unless you actually  _ do _ something about it, right?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” Yugyeom shakes his head. “He won’t notice anyway, not when he’s into someone else,” Yugyeom mutters. 

* * *

Yugyeom spends his next few years in college trying to make his crush on Jinyoung go away. He expects to see Jinyoung less, but he’s taken by surprise when Jinyoung comes back for graduate school. He somehow bumps into him more often than he likes— grabbing lunch and coffee with him on campus since Jinyoung offers to pay so much. He invites BamBam to go with him, because Yugyeom still can’t handle being alone with him.

It’s after he graduates college that Yugyeom ends up hanging out with Jinyoung alone before one of Jackson’s games. It’s for the first time in years that it’s ever happened, and it makes Yugyeom nervous even though they’re both sitting at a bar having drinks before the game. He’s only a little drunk, and on their way to the stadium Yugyeom accidentally clings a little too much to Jinyoung. He’s surprised he’s not brushing him off, and before Yugyeom even realizes it, he’s putting his hands in Jinyoung’s pocket for extra warmth.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung laughs. 

“It’s cold,” Yugyeom mumbles. “Do you have the tickets?” 

“They’re in my wallet,” Jinyoung says, and ruffles Yugyeom’s hair. “Let’s go.” 

* * *

Yugyeom starts dating other people. He’s never fully into any of his relationships, letting all of them pass by without a second thought. Every time someone dumps him, it’s always the same thing.  _ ‘You’re into someone else.’ _ Yugyeom is trying. He wishes he could think about someone else. Jinyoung’s never going to see him. 

It’s at the New Year’s Eve party when Yugyeom gets dumped by yet another person. He’s not too broken up about it, especially since there’s a party to get his mind off of things. He shows up late, since BamBam ditched him to carpool with Mark. Jackson and Jaebeom’s place is filled with people, and Yugyeom manages to find Jinyoung alone on the couch sulking by himself. He has a plate of snacks and his phone in hand, and Yugyeom slumps down in the empty space next to him. 

“Hey,” Yugyeom greets. 

“Hey,” Jinyoung says back. He’s still looking at his phone, and Yugyeom gets a notification ping at the same time. He sent a meme to the group chat, and Yugyeom rolls his eyes. 

“You know,” Yugyeom says, and nudges Jinyoung. “Sometimes people don't even have a reaction the first time they have edibles.” 

Jinyoung looks cute like this. His bottom lip is sticking out, pouting slightly while he listens to Yugyeom talk. He’s a lot cuddlier than usual, and Yugyeom doesn’t brush him off when Jinyoung leans on his shoulder. 

“I just got dumped,” Yugyeom sighs. 

He’s not too torn up about it. Yugyeom knew it was going to happen eventually, just like all his other relationships that ended. It’s always the same thing.  _ ‘You’re into someone else.’  _

Jinyoung clings onto him for the rest of the night and it only makes it worse. He’s holding his hand, and Yugyeom lets himself believe for a moment. He wonders if this is what it would feel like, to date Jinyoung. If he’d always be like this, squeezing his hand gently and resting his head against Yugyeom’s shoulder, comfortable as if he belongs there. It goes on for most of the night, until Yugyeom leads him away to the corner of the party to avoid all of the couples. 

“Shouldn’t we kiss?” Jinyoung asks.

“Me?” Yugyeom scoffs. “Kiss you? You really are high.”

Yugyeom’s lying through his teeth. It’s everything he’s ever wanted, only Jinyoung doesn’t even realize it. He’s so careful with him, and even on his tiptoes he still has to tilt Jinyoung’s face up with his chin. Yugyeom almost doesn’t want it to end, and the moment they break apart, Jackson’s already sneaking up behind the two of them. 

He has to lie and make some excuse about Jinyoung greening out. He’s still clinging onto him, ignoring Jackson even though he manages to say Happy New Year one last time before they leave. It’s almost hard to move, with Jinyoung sticking to him while Yugyeom has to drag him outside and order a ride home. He didn’t even drink for most of the night, and Yugyeom sighs and watches a puff of air escape from his lips. 

“It’s cold,” Jinyoung mumbles, and nuzzles his face into Yugyeom’s fluffy jacket. 

“I know,” Yugyeom says, and pats Jinyoung’s hair. “Ride will be here soon.” 

“I don’t want to be alone,” Jinyoung sighs. “Can I stay over?” 

Yugyeom can’t say no. He can’t say no when Jinyoung is looking at him like he might cry, He can’t say no because he would hate himself for leaving Jinyoung alone on a night like this. 

“Yes,” Yugyeom ruffles his hair. “You can stay the night.” 

* * *

Yugyeom doesn’t think it’s strange when Jinyoung asks if he can come over. He’s bringing takeout, and that means free food. Yugyeom doesn’t think anything of it when he opens his door for him. Only Jinyoung starts telling him about how Jackson and Jaebeom seemed to get the wrong idea about the both of them. 

He hears the words  _ dating _ and  _ relationship _ and Yugyeom automatically chokes on his food. Jinyoung is already making promises, ones that Yugyeom doesn’t even know if he can keep. There’s a deal, and Jinyoung doesn’t realize how much weight that his words have.  _ ‘I’ll do anything you want, just ask.’ _ Yugyeom would’ve done it for free, and for nothing at all. He just goes along with it, knowing that it’s still his only chance to be with Jinyoung. Even if it’s not real in the way that he wants. 

Jinyoung drives a train right through his heart when he says it. 

“I’m in love with him,” he sighs. 

Love. Love has always been a funny word to Yugyeom. 

“I’ll do it,” Yugyeom says, and finally gives in. 

* * *

Yugyeom uses his first favor when he asks Jinyoung to drive him to his tattoo appointment. It’s a short walk from his apartment, but since it’s pouring down rain Yugyeom would rather risk not getting wet on his way back home. Jinyoung drives him with no problems, and he even waits for him during the appointment. 

He tries not to think anything of it when Jinyoung stares while he takes off his shirt. He’s getting a new tattoo on his ribs, and some touch-ups to his dandelion tattoo. He’s grown used to the pain, barely wincing when the tattoo artist gets to work. 

Jinyoung is scrolling through his phone again, and Yugyeom notices that he glances over every once in a while. Yugyeom just gives him an amused look, and even suggests that Jinyoung should post a photo on his Instagram story just so Jackson can see it. He refuses, and just a few seconds later Yugyeom catches him taking a picture. He poses, too. 

When he’s done with his appointment, Yugyeom ignores the way Jinyoung’s fingertips nearly brushed against the skin underneath his tattoos. He has goosebumps, and he shoves down his t-shirt before Jinyoung can get any more ideas. It’s still raining, and Yugyeom frowns when he looks out the window. 

“Here,” Jinyoung says, and shrugs off his jacket. “You can’t get your tattoo wet.” 

Yugyeom’s reluctant to take it, but Jinyoung hands it to him anyway. He ends up holding it over his head like an umbrella, and he takes a step closer to Jinyoung. 

“Let’s share it,” he suggests. 

It’s a mistake, because Jinyoung is standing so close to him that Yugyeom thinks he’s going to start sweating and give himself away. They’re both running in the rain, water splashing all over their ankles and Yugyeom’s shoes are almost completely soaked through. It’s worth it anyway, even if it meant Yugyeom got to be close to Jinyoung for a few moments. 

* * *

He gets a little too tipsy after dinner. Yugyeom thinks he’s about to start spilling all his secrets while he’s cuddled up with Jinyoung on the couch. He’s warm, and Yugyeom wishes it could be like this forever. He’s comfortable, only Jinyoung mumbles something about feeling sad, bitter, and alone. He feels more pathetic like this, clinging onto Jinyoung as if he even stands a chance with him. 

Yugyeom plays along with it anyway. He’s been alone this entire time, too. It wouldn’t hurt to wallow in some self-pity for a bit when Jinyoung’s too blind to even notice that he’s been in front of him this entire time. He feels his face turn pink the moment when he accidentally tells Jinyoung that he slept with Mark. 

It was a while ago, when Yugyeom was in between relationships. Mark just manages to get under everyone’s skin in a good way, and Yugyeom also trusted him a lot. He had a lot of fun, and Yugyeom wouldn’t trade that for anything.

“You’re a baby,” Jinyoung says, and somehow cuddles Yugyeom even closer to him.

He’s grown used to it. Jinyoung shrugged him off just because he’s the youngest one in their friend group. Jinyoung always dismissed him, seeing him as nothing more than the younger college student that he helped and treated out for lunch occasionally. He’s always been Jinyoung’s ‘kid friend,’ despite being taller than all of them. 

Yugyeom lets the words slip from his mouth. It’s not on purpose, Yugyeom’s just a bit clingy and it’s been a while. 

“We could always—” Yugyeom says, and snuggles closer to Jinyoung. “If you wanted to.” 

Yugyeom doesn’t stay awake long enough to hear Jinyoung’s response. It doesn’t matter, since he doesn’t want to embarrass himself any further. 

* * *

Pretending to date Jinyoung isn’t a hard task. Yugyeom’s spent years with a stupid crush on him that will never seem to go away, and this only makes it worse. He can’t spend his time hanging out around campus looking for someone to date and take his mind off of him, because Yugyeom was supposed to keep up a charade. 

Jinyoung lets him study and do work in his office, which is miles better than having to hunt for his favorite spot in the library. Only Yugyeom can barely focus when Jinyoung is sitting at a desk just a few feet away from him. He’s been unconsciously clenching his jaw this entire time, unable to relax even though his back is faced towards Jinyoung at the moment. 

“Yugyeom?” Jinyoung asks. 

“What’s up?” Yugyeom turns around, and cringes at his own words. 

“I’m finished going over your essay, do you want me to talk you through it?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Yeah, if it’s no trouble,” Yugyeom says, and scoots his chair closer to Jinyoung’s desk. 

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung sighs, and pulls on the armrest of Yugyeom’s chair. “You’re still far.” 

He hopes that Jinyoung doesn’t notice when his face turns pink, and Jinyoung pulls his chair even closer until their knees are brushing against each other. It always ends up like this. Yugyeom finds excuses to get closer to him or try to pull away any time Jinyoung manages to be so casual with his touches. It’s almost like neither of them is pretending at all.

* * *

Dinner at Jackson and Jaebeom’s place ends up being more than Yugyeom intended it to be. He was messing with Jinyoung, saying yes to Jaebeom when he clearly wanted him to say no. Yugyeom sucks it up, even though Jinyoung is clearly mad at him. All Yugyeom does is smile and talk to Jackson in the kitchen while Jinyoung helps Jaebeom set up the table. 

“So,” Jackson says, and crosses his arms. “You and Jinyoung.” 

“Yes,” Yugyeom nods. “We’re dating.” 

It still feels weird to say it out loud. Only, Jackson doesn’t even know that it’s all fake. He wonders if Jackson is going to give him that weird speech trying to intimidate him, because Yugyeom thinks it’s really not going to work at all. 

“Listen,” Jackson starts. He’s all smiles, and takes a step closer to Yugyeom. He still has to tilt his head up to make eye contact, and Yugyeom tries to be serious about it. “Jinyoung is my best friend.” 

“I am aware,” Yugyeom replies. He tries not to laugh, mostly because it’s not working. If Jackson really knew Jinyoung like he thought he did, they wouldn’t even be here right now. “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.” 

“Good,” Jackson nods. “Good.” 

“You know this,” Yugyeom rolls his eyes. He’ll never forget that party. “You were literally the one telling me to do something about my feelings at Jinyoung’s graduation party.” 

“Right,” Jackson laughs, and eases up. “You two really are good together. I’m happy for you.” 

Yugyeom doesn’t know why he wants to laugh at all the things that are coming out of Jackson’s mouth. If he couldn’t tell that it wasn’t real, what is Jackson seeing that Yugyeom isn’t? He’s spent too many years pining over Jinyoung. He still feels pathetic, and after Jackson’s little talk he ends up sitting in the living room alone waiting for dinner to be ready. 

He’s scrolling through his phone, looking at an old picture that BamBam sent him the other day. It was a picture of Yugyeom with Jinyoung— sometime when Yugyeom was a senior. Jinyoung was on campus at the same time, and they all just managed to bump into each other while taking pictures of the cherry blossom trees. Yugyeom’s never looked happier, and he wonders if Jinyoung even remembers. 

“What are you looking at?” Jinyoung asks. 

Yugyeom’s reflexes have never been so quick. He locks his phone and shoves it into his pocket, only Jinyoung doesn’t leave him alone. 

“Nothing,” Yugyeom insists. “When’s dinner?”

Jinyoung talks back— calling Yugyeom a baby again. There’s no way he wants to show him now, and Yugyeom stays planted on the chair. He thinks Jinyoung has finally dropped it, only instead of leaving him alone, Jinyoung ends up on Yugyeom’s lap. Jinyoung’s hands find their way underneath the hem of Yugyeom’s shirt, slightly tickling the skin. It’s been a while since Yugyeom’s even been touched like this— or having someone in his lap like this in less than innocent situations. 

“I’m not a baby,” Yugyeom breathes out. 

“Sure you aren’t,” Jinyoung says, as if he’s about to break out into a laugh.

Yugyeom wraps his hands around Jinyoung’s waist in an effort to get him to stop, only he doesn’t. Jinyoung manages to wrangle Yugyeom’s phone out of his pocket, and the moment Jinyoung squirms and fully sits down on Yugyeom’s lap is when he has trouble holding his breath. He feels the heat in his face, wondering if Jinyoung can tell that he’s blushing. Jinyoung’s thighs are brushing right against his cock, and it’s obvious how painfully hard he is right now. Just from Jinyoung sitting on his lap. 

“What’s wrong?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Can you move just—” 

Jinyoung shifts his hips, and if Jinyoung didn’t feel it before, he can feel it now. 

“Sorry,” Jinyoung murmurs. “I’ll get off—” 

The moment is shattered when Jackson walks in and finds the two of them like this. Yugyeom’s still embarrassed, feeling his cheeks turn bright red when Jackson says something about their horny honeymoon phase. 

Yugyeom manages to get through the rest of their double date on autopilot. He’s formulated his responses, and put a lot of time into thinking about what to say to get Jackson and Jaebeom to stop asking questions. Only most of them keep coming, and Yugyeom just hopes that none of them are directed toward Jinyoung. 

Only they do, and Yugyeom nearly drops his utensils when Jinyoung actually remembers the time Yugyeom put his hands in his jacket pocket. 

“You remember that?” Yugyeom asks, and squeezes Jinyoung’s hand. He never thought that Jinyoung did, just forgetting it and filing it away under all the annoying things Yugyeom’s done. 

“Of course I remember,” Jinyoung smiles, and this time it looks real. 

* * *

Yugyeom is the one who drives home after dinner. Jinyoung looks exhausted, leaning against the window while they both let the silence comfortably fill the car. When he parks in Jinyoung’s normal spot, he turns off the engine and waits. He looks over, only to notice how sad Jinyoung looks. He thinks he might be crying, and Yugyeom unbuckles his seatbelt so he can get closer to him. 

“Are you okay?” Yugyeom asks, and places his hand over Jinyoung’s forehead. 

“I’m fine I’m just—” Jinyoung sighs. “It’s just unfair.” 

Yugyeom knows that feeling. He used to think that way a lot. It was unfair that Jinyoung didn’t like him back. Only Yugyeom knows it’s not his fault. Jinyoung doesn’t know, and Yugyeom can’t force his feelings. He can’t blame Jinyoung for not returning his feelings. He’s gotten over it already, knowing that Jinyoung will probably never feel the same way about him. 

“They’re not taking anything away from you,” Yugyeom says quietly. He lets his hand drift, cupping Jinyoung’s cheek with his hand. “You can’t blame Jackson for not feeling the same way. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t know.” 

“I know,” Jinyoung admits.

“You love the both of them, right?” Yugyeom asks. “I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier.” 

“How can this get any easier?” Jinyoung asks. He sounds tired, a broken tone to his voice. Yugyeom knows that he needs someone who can tell him the truth and be honest, whether or not he wants to hear it. 

“Speaking from personal experience,” Yugyeom sighs. “It won’t go away, but you’ll learn how to deal with it.” 

Jinyoung asks him to stay, and Yugyeom can’t bring himself to say no. He packed extra clothes in his bag just in case, because Yugyeom does want to stay. It breaks his heart when Jinyoung holds onto his hand so tightly, and there’s nothing else that Yugyeom can do.

* * *

Everyone has to go to Jackson’s home opener. It’s a requirement almost, that all of them go and support Jackson at his games. Yugyeom doesn’t always attend every single one, but since he’s attached to Jinyoung, Yugyeom thinks he’ll have to go to more games throughout the season. The last time he went to one of these games was during the MLS cup playoffs, struggling to pay attention to the game while Jinyoung was jumping up and down next to him. 

Now, he’s here with Jinyoung while holding his hand. 

The longer this goes on, Yugyeom’s mind starts playing tricks on him. He’s starting to think and feel like this is real. Jinyoung holding his hand and leaning on his shoulder. Jinyoung tells BamBam that he likes him. A lot. It’s too much for him to process, even though he knows it’s what Jinyoung is supposed to say. Yugyeom never even told BamBam it was fake. He was too embarrassed to admit it, especially after BamBam knows how long he’s been crushing on Jinyoung. 

The more Jinyoung stays close to him, the more Yugyeom doesn’t want to let go. He wonders if he’ll be able to, even after this is all over. There has to be an end to their charade at one point, and Yugyeom doesn’t want to think about it when it happens. He’s grown used to it. It’s comforting, knowing he has somewhere to go and someone to be with when he doesn’t want to be alone. Jinyoung holds onto his hand like it’s a lifeline, and when they get home after the game they fall into their usual routine. 

Yugyeom likes to make coffee for him. He’s sitting on Jinyoung’s kitchen counter waiting for it to finish, and Jinyoung’s in his room changing out of his game day clothes. Yugyeom pulls his jersey off— one that he borrowed from Jinyoung. It’s a newer jersey, the green standing out when Yugyeom throws it onto the couch a few feet away from him. Jackson’s name on the back of it is almost glaring at him, still reminding him of the fact that Jinyoung doesn’t like him. He likes Jackson. 

The coffee’s finished, and Yugyeom jumps down from the counter to pour himself a mug and one for Jinyoung. He still hasn’t come out of his room, and Yugyeom wonders what’s taking him so long. He forgets about the mugs, and Yugyeom makes his way over to Jinyoung’s room to check on him. Yugyeom thinks he’s made a mistake, or probably should’ve knocked, because the second he walks into Jinyoung’s bedroom he catches him half-naked. 

“Sorry,” Jinyoung says, voice hoarse. “God, this is so embarrassing,” he mumbles. “I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Let me help you,” Yugyeom breathes out. 

“What?” Jinyoung asks, still a little hazy from being snapped out of his fantasy. 

“I said,” Yugyeom says. “Let me help you.” 

He’s lost all shame at this point, offering whatever he can for Jinyoung. He still remembers the moment that Jinyoung sat on his lap and wrestled his phone out of his pocket. Yugyeom will settle for anything, and when he gets his hands on Jinyoung’s thighs it almost doesn’t feel real. It’s just between friends, is what Yugyeom said. He just doesn’t know what it means for them in the future. 

“You were thinking about him, weren’t you?” Yugyeom whispers. His lips are just inches away from Jinyoung’s cock, and when he threads his fingers through his hair Yugyeom moves closer. “You can keep thinking about him, if you want.” 

Yugyeom fantasized about this for years. He’s just lucky Jinyoung’s too distracted to see how embarrassed he is. Jinyoung wasn’t thinking about him though. He’s always been thinking about someone else. He wishes Jinyoung could see him. If he could look at him the same way that Yugyeom looks at him. 

When he stares up at Jinyoung through his eyelashes he thinks he sees it for a brief moment. The glow in Jinyoung’s eyes. Yugyeom will just keep imagining that it’s for him. 

* * *

It goes on for the next few weeks. Yugyeom spends more time at Jinyoung’s place than he does at his own, and his clothes somehow keep migrating and finding their way in the empty closet in the spare bedroom. He’s been sleeping in Jinyoung’s bed and Yugyeom still can’t believe it. 

“So,” Yugyeom breathes. “My lease is up and I have to find a new place to live.” 

Yugyeom’s been putting it off. He’s been too busy with school and spending too much time at Jinyoung’s to be able to properly look for a place on his own in his free time. 

“Move in with me,” Jinyoung says, sounding serious. 

“ _ What? _ ” Yugyeom squeaks. 

“Move in with me,” he repeats. “You’re here all the time anyway, and there’s an empty room,” he shrugs. “Saves me from having to find someone else.” 

Yugyeom already asked BamBam a few weeks ago if he could move in with him temporarily. BamBam claimed that he didn’t have space, and told Yugyeom he should ask Jinyoung. He doesn’t want to think about this for the long term— it’s already almost like he’s been dating Jinyoung for real this entire time. He wants to avoid it, and instead get out of bed to put his shirt on. When he turns around, he notices Jinyoung staring at him. 

“Is there something on my face?” Yugyeom asks. 

“No,” Jinyoung shrugs. “Why?” 

“You’re staring,” Yugyeom comments. “It’s weird.” 

Jinyoung has never looked at him like this. Like he wants him. Yugyeom knows he shouldn’t confuse these feelings, especially since Jinyoung just came in his mouth not too long ago. He doesn’t know what to think anymore, now that Jinyoung is staring at him and acting defensively just right after he asked him to move in. Yugyeom will only tell him that he’s thinking about it, even if he’s already made up his mind. 

* * *

Yugyeom nods off during his seminar. It’s hard because one of his classmates keeps poking him in the leg since they’re all sitting in a circle facing each other. He ended up running into class late— since he spent a little too much time lingering around and walking with Jinyoung when he should’ve been running to his class. His professor is sitting right next to him and doesn’t even notice that Yugyeom is barely even taking notes. 

He gets let out of class a bit early, since everyone is preparing to turn in the final version of their proposals to send to their advisors. Yugyeom declines getting late lunch with a few of his classmates, in favor of hanging out in Jinyoung’s office and waiting for him to come back. His office is empty like it always is, since Jaebeom will only use it on certain occasions. Instead of occupying his normal spot using Jaebeom’s desk, Yugyeom opts to lay down on the couch with his laptop propped up on his lap. 

He ends up putting off work on editing his research proposal. Yugyeom can only go over it so many times before he needs a refresher, and starts watching something on his laptop instead. He’s barely even paying attention, still thinking about Jinyoung’s offer about moving in together. It wouldn’t be terrible, and after all this is over Yugyeom can return to whatever kind of friendship that they both have. It’s the most time they’ve ever spent together, and Yugyeom still doesn’t want it to end. 

Yugyeom is surprised when Jinyoung comes back earlier than he expected. He takes Yugyeom’s laptop and sets it on Jaebeom’s empty desk, and instead of moving, he fits himself right on the couch next to him. It’s a tight fit, and Yugyeom can barely move. 

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom yelps. 

“I just,” Jinyoung sighs, and tucks his face against Yugyeom’s neck. “I was waiting for you.” 

“What do you mean, you were waiting for me?” Yugyeom asks, and threads his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair. “I’ve been here the entire time.” 

Yugyeom’s always been here. Jinyoung was just taking too long to even realize it. He wonders what it even means, that Jinyoung has been waiting for him. Yugyeom thinks he just might be confused, taking all of his affection and wishing it was Jackson instead of him. 

* * *

Jinyoung manages to get Jaebeom to help move in the rest of Yugyeom’s stuff. All of his clothes were already at Jinyoung’s, and it was only a matter of Yugyeom tossing some of his old furniture and bringing the last few boxes of stuff to move into Jinyoung’s spare bedroom. Jaebeom doesn’t stick around for much longer after they have dinner, and after they’ve cleaned everything up Yugyeom retreats to his new bedroom. 

It feels strange being in bed alone. 

He’s not quite ready to go to bed yet, just reading through a few of his emails on his phone while sitting on top of the covers. He’s still not wearing a shirt, and Yugyeom jumps slightly in bed when he hears a sharp knock on the door. 

“It’s unlocked,” he calls. 

Jinyoung slowly steps into his bedroom, and closes the door behind him. It still feels new, even though Yugyeom’s been accustomed to sleeping in Jinyoung’s bed on most nights. 

“I thought you were going to stay in my room,” Jinyoung says, and steps closer to the bed. 

Yugyeom pats the empty space next to him, hoping Jinyoung will take his cue to join him this time. He puts his phone on the bedside table, and before he realizes it, Jinyoung is making himself comfortable on top of his lap rather than the other side of the bed. Jinyoung wraps his hands around the back of his neck, and Yugyeom feels just as nervous as he did when Jinyoung sat on his lap at Jackson’s place. 

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom asks. He feels his face turn pink, just as Jinyoung softly strokes his thumb against his skin. 

“Can I,” Jinyoung says, and moves in closer. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom hums. “You can—” 

What Yugyeom is about to say, is that Jinyoung can keep on thinking about Jackson if he wants. He just doesn’t get to the moment Jinyoung closes the distance between their lips. Yugyeom is still hesitant to give in more, because the more Jinyoung keeps on pretending like he wants him the more Yugyeom thinks he’s going to fall even harder and break his own heart. He pulls back for a moment, and peppers soft kisses down Jinyoung’s jaw until his lips are pressed against his neck. 

“Yugyeom,” Jinyoung gasps. “I want you to—” 

“You want me to do what?” Yugyeom asks, breathing right against his skin. 

“I want you to fuck me,” Jinyoung says, and grips his shoulder. 

Yugyeom loses his control, thinking about all the times he’s wanted this. Wanted something more than what he was already giving him. He almost can’t believe this is real, even when Jinyoung’s hands are tracing his tattoos while they explore each other’s bodies. He pushes Jinyoung onto his back, hands tight around his waist while he strips the rest of his clothes off.

It’s hard to believe that this is real. That Jinyoung is underneath him, unraveled with his lips slightly parted open with Yugyeom’s name escaping from his lips. He thinks he might just be imagining it, that Jinyoung is looking at him like he actually feels something real. 

“You don’t have to pretend,” Yugyeom sighs. “You don’t have to pretend that you want me.” 

“I do,” Jinyoung breathes. “I do want you.” 

Yugyeom still can’t believe it. Jinyoung can’t possibly want him, not like this. He’s spent too much time letting his fantasies blur into the reality that Yugyeom can’t listen to him. He wishes Jinyoung could see, Yugyeom’s been waiting this entire time only he still hasn’t been able to catch up. 

Even after, when Jinyoung is sleeping next to him in his bed he tries not to pretend his heart is beating out of his chest. They’re face to face and Yugyeom watches as his chest slowly rises and falls. He looks peaceful, and Yugyeom can’t tear his eyes away. He brushes his fingertips across Jinyoung’s cheek, careful enough not to wake him up. 

Yugyeom is in love, and he doesn’t want to let go. 

* * *

He spends the next few weeks trying to hold himself back, only it doesn’t really happen. Yugyeom finds himself gravitating towards Jinyoung more than ever. He wishes that he set up a no-kissing rule, because the longer it goes on the more it confuses Yugyeom. Jinyoung finds every possible chance to kiss Yugyeom. 

In their apartment, when they’re cuddled together on the couch. 

In Jinyoung’s office, when he’s dragging his chair and pulling on Yugyeom’s shirt collar. 

In Jinyoung’s bed, when they’re having sex and all Yugyeom can think about is how good Jinyoung is at pretending. 

He always brushes him off, and Yugyeom doesn’t want to believe it. It’s been years, and if Jinyoung wasn’t going to confess now, Yugyeom thinks that he never will. Which is why it’s no surprise when Yugyeom comes home one day to find Jackson kissing Jinyoung. 

Yugyeom drops the bags of takeout onto the floor and runs out as fast as he can. He nearly trips down the stairs, fumbling with his keys to get into his car and drive away. Yugyeom wishes he could take it all back. Take back the looks and the hand holding. The way Jinyoung was staring at him while Yugyeom thought he was going to confess the other night. It was never going to happen, and Yugyeom needed to stop clinging on to the window of hope. 

He’s just bitter by the time he ends up at BamBam’s place. It was silly of him to think that Jinyoung would ever run after him, especially after he’s got what he’s wanted this entire time. 

* * *

Yugyeom skips classes. He doesn’t stop by Jinyoung’s office anymore, and he hides away at BamBam’s place and pretends he’s not home when Jinyoung tries to drive by. He sees his car outside the window, and Yugyeom hides behind the curtains. 

The one day he comes to campus, he sees Jinyoung and hides behind the corner while he passes by. Yugyeom tries to ignore the fact that he looks like he hasn’t shaved for a few days. It’s not because of Yugyeom, because Jinyoung’s only been pretending. 

Jackson catches him by surprise one day at BamBam’s house. He can’t even look him in the eye, even though Jackson’s on his knees on the concrete of BamBam’s driveway. Yugyeom’s only half-listening to Jackson’s apology, but he’s impressed at Jackson’s effort to keep groveling. The cherry on top is Jackson asking him if he’ll come to the hospital for his surgery. 

Yugyeom doesn’t say anything, and turns away to go inside BamBam’s house. He only looks around for a second, and Jackson’s still kneeling on the driveway. 

* * *

He’s in a rush when BamBam gives him a small time frame to clear Jinyoung out of the apartment to pack up the rest of his clothes. Yugyeom was going to stay with BamBam for the foreseeable future, although he was still paying his share of the rent. He’s doing everything in a rush, haphazardly throwing all of his clothes into a suitcase without even caring to fold them all. 

Yugyeom should’ve known that BamBam was going to give Jinyoung a chance. 

He ignores him at first, even when he steps closer to him and tries to stop him from packing all of his clothes. 

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asks. 

“I’m packing,” Yugyeom mutters. 

Jinyoung’s lip is bleeding, and Yugyeom wonders if BamBam has something to do with that. He can hardly register what Jinyoung’s saying, and Yugyeom thinks he might cry the moment he confesses his feelings after all this time. He’s still mad, mad at everything that has happened and Yugyeom still wishes that Jinyoung ran after him. 

But right now, even if he wants to be mad, Yugyeom finally lets himself breathe. 

Jinyoung likes him. He doesn’t want to be with anyone else. Yugyeom is going to stay. 

//

Yugyeom finds that Jinyoung gives him more space than usual. It’s a change of pace from how they used to be, but Yugyeom knows things are different now. Jinyoung isn’t the one to initiate contact anymore, and Yugyeom feels a little cold. They end up sleeping in their own rooms, and even after all that time he spent at BamBam’s house, it still feels weird to sleep alone. 

He starts making small moves again. He holds Jinyoung’s hand first, especially when he can tell Jinyoung is fiddling with his hands and shoving them into his pocket. He fits himself on the couch right on top of him even though there isn’t enough room. Yugyeom has to give himself a bit more courage to work up asking him if they can sleep in the same bed together again. It works out, and the night before Jackson’s surgery Yugyeom is laying beside Jinyoung while he watches him sleep. 

Jinyoung looks a little stressed— dark circles under his eyes from the end of the quarter. He knows Jaebeom’s been keeping him up a little bit more lately, with his worries about Jackson’s surgery even though everyone has mixed feelings about it. There’s a rift that will never quite be the same, and Yugyeom adjusts his pillow until he’s closer to Jinyoung. He watches as he wrinkles his nose in his sleep, and when Yugyeom thinks he’s going to turn around, Jinyoung looks at him with one eye open. 

“I’m not sleeping yet,” Jinyoung mumbles. “Come here.” 

He wraps the blanket around Yugyeom, pulling him close until Jinyoung tucks his face into Yugyeom’s chest. He thinks Jinyoung might be half asleep with the way he’s nuzzling his face against his bare chest, and Yugyeom threads his fingers through his hair. He’s so warm, and Yugyeom thinks he could stay like this forever.

* * *

Jinyoung comes back from the hospital with dark circles under his eyes and looking worse for wear. Yugyeom wraps his arms around him and halfway carries him to bed. He’s cute when he’s tired, and Yugyeom pulls the covers over both of them while he turns off the lights. They’ve started spending more time in Jinyoung’s room again, and Yugyeom just holds Jinyoung close to his chest while he tries to sleep. 

“I said goodbye,” Jinyoung says, muffled against Yugyeom’s shirt. “Does it always feel like this?” 

“Feel like what?” Yugyeom asks. 

“I spent so much time,” Jinyoung breathes. “So much wasted time thinking and not even seeing what was right in front of me.” 

“You worry too much,” Yugyeom doesn’t have to think. Not anymore. It’s so natural when he’s with Jinyoung, seamlessly intertwining their fingers together while he holds Jinyoung even closer to him. 

“But Jaebeom—” 

“Jackson made a choice,” Yugyeom sighs. “He’s the one who has to live with it alone.” 

“I wish there was more we could do,” Jinyoung mumbles. 

“We can’t fix everything,” Yugyeom whispers. “It’ll be okay.” 

It doesn’t take that long for Jinyoung to doze off after Yugyeom keeps rubbing small circles into his back. He’s snoring just a little bit, with his lips slightly parted open. Yugyeom smiles, and adjusts his head on the pillow so Jinyoung can sleep more comfortably. Yugyeom wasn’t waiting for Jinyoung. He always thought he’d grow out of his crush. Something simple until Jinyoung kept on finding ways to fit himself in Yugyeom’s life. He wishes some things could’ve been different, but he doesn’t regret how things turned out.

* * *

Yugyeom’s first year of grad school comes to an end, and after weeks of editing his research proposal, it has finally been turned in and approved. He already feels the stress start to fade away once his summer break officially starts, and Jinyoung has a few weeks of freedom before starting his independent study for the summer to continue his research. It’s a slow day, and Yugyeom is helping Jaebeom and Jinyoung move his stuff out of Jackson’s house. 

“How is it that you suddenly have more stuff than you did at the beginning of the year,” Jinyoung complains, and sets down one of the boxes. 

“Oh, that reminds me,” Jaebeom says, and points down at the box. “Those books are yours.” 

“Thanks,” Jinyoung sighs, and sits down on the box. “If only moving everything else would be that easy.” 

“I hired movers for all the furniture, so we can leave all that,” Jaebeom smiles. “Just these last few boxes and we’re done.” 

Yugyeom thinks it feels a little odd. Jaebeom didn’t live with Jackson for very long, and it’s strange to see some of Jackson’s pictures still up with Jaebeom hung up on the wall. The jersey is gone, and Yugyeom wonders what else will still remain even though Jackson’s leaving the place untouched. He’s already moved, and Yugyeom hopes that Jaebeom is doing as well as he says he is. 

“Lunch is on me after this,” Jaebeom says, and puts his card down on the empty table. “Surprisingly doing really well after that break-up video I made.” 

Jaebeom laughs, and everyone else does too. Yugyeom still remembers how quickly the video went viral. It wasn’t long after when Jackson finally moved that Jaebeom posted a get ready with me video about an ex-boyfriend that he wouldn’t name. It was already obvious it was about Jackson— given how invested Jaebeom’s viewers were in their relationship. It still made him a little sad, knowing how much Jaebeom has dealt with since Jackson moved. 

“How is he? Yugyeom asks. Jinyoung leaves the room, and it gives him a little space of privacy for a moment. 

“We talk sometimes,” Jaebeom shrugs. “I think he’s adjusting with the new medical team there.” 

It’s been about two months, and Yugyeom feels less angry. He wonders how Jaebeom feels now, especially after seeing reports of Jackson recovering and forgetting about his history with the old team. 

“Are you still visiting?” 

“No,” Jaebeom shakes his head. “We talked about that too, and I think it would be better if we were separated for a while, or else we might do something.” 

“That’s good?” Yugyeom sounds hopeful, and he hopes Jaebeom is too.

“It’s for the best,” Jaebeom nods. “Let’s order some food now.” 

Yugyeom doesn’t push the subject any further, and flips through some takeout menus that Jaebeom left on the last table. Jinyoung comes back, only this time the sleeves of his shirt are pushed up now that it’s gotten a little warmer after moving boxes around. 

“Are we taking a break now?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Order whatever you want,” Jaebeom calls out. “We’re getting enough for leftovers.” 

Jinyoung sits next to Yugyeom and starts flipping through some of the flimsy takeout menus with him. They’ve still got a few more boxes left and Jaebeom comments on finishing early and having the movers do the rest. 

He rests his head against his shoulder, and Yugyeom presses a hand against Jinyoung’s forehead. 

“You’re sweating,” Yugyeom says. 

“I’m tired,” Jinyoung sighs. “Let’s go home after this.” 

They had plans to watch the sunset at the park later, only now Yugyeom feels a bit tired too. Jinyoung wipes his sweaty forehead against Yugyeom’s shirt, and he pretends to be disgusted. 

“Gross,” Yugyeom sticks out his tongue. 

After the food arrives, Jinyoung drags Yugyeom out before he ends up staying to help Jaebeom pack away more things. Mark and BamBam were going to help next, and Yugyeom still felt guilty leaving him alone, even if he insisted he was fine. It’s warmer now, and Yugyeom leans against the window while Jinyoung drives home. 

It feels nice. The sun against his skin while Jinyoung hums along to the radio. He’s quiet until Jinyoung reaches over to place his hand on Yugyeom’s thigh, and gives it a gentle squeeze. Yugyeom’s always avoided spending summers with Jinyoung. Jackson’s charity games took place during the summer, and Yugyeom always went on vacations to visit his brother down the coast. He doesn’t have an excuse to make himself miss out now, and Yugyeom wants to stay. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jinyoung asks once they’re at a stoplight. 

“You,” Yugyeom shrugs. “What else would I be thinking about?” 

* * *

They end up at another party before Yugyeom leaves to go to California for his trip. It’s loud, and it reminds him of the New Year’s party when everything started. It’s at Jaebeom’s new place, where Jaebeom insisted that it was only going to be a  _ small _ welcoming party. There are too many people, and Yugyeom finds himself pressed in a corner while Jinyoung seems to be somewhere navigating through a crowd of people. 

Yugyeom’s already made most of his rounds, talking to some of Jaebeom’s friends from YouTube, and the rest of their friends. BamBam’s supposed to be coming back soon with a drink, only now Yugyeom’s starting to think that he’s gotten lost and caught the attention of someone else. 

“Hey,” Jinyoung seems to appear out of nowhere, and he immediately clings to Yugyeom’s shoulder. 

“You’re oddly cuddly,” Yugyeom comments. The last time Jinyoung was like this at a party, it was after he had his first edible. 

“Mark gave me one of those gummies,” Jinyoung says, and leans against his shoulder. “The peach one. It was really nice.” 

“I bet,” Yugyeom laughs, and ruffles Jinyoung’s hair. “Are you good? Or do you want to go home early?” 

“Nooo,” Jinyoung whines. “Let’s stay, BamBam’s making one of those drinks—” 

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” Yugyeom sighs, and places his hand underneath Jinyoung’s chin. “Let’s get you home.” 

It’s funnier the second time Yugyeom has to navigate his way out of the party while Jinyoung clings to him like a koala on his back. Jaebeom’s too busy with some of his other friends but Yugyeom manages to wave goodbye before he makes his way out the front door. 

The night air during the summer is cool, and Yugyeom manages to get Jinyoung to the car in one piece while he buckles the seatbelt for him. Jinyoung looks sleepy already, eyes droopy while he leans his head back against the seat. Yugyeom laughs quietly to himself, and hopes that he’ll get to see this Jinyoung again sometime soon. 

The drive back is quiet, and Yugyeom reaches his hand over to the passenger seat to link his fingers together with Jinyoung’s. He’s warm, and Yugyeom wonders why he ever let go in the first place. He wonders if Jinyoung can even feel his pulse. Yugyeom’s still embarrassed, especially now that Jinyoung knows he’s had a stupid crush on him since high school. 

“When did you know? Yugyeom asks. They’re parked in front of the building, and Yugyeom turns off the engine. 

“Mm?” Jinyoung asks, and tilts his head. 

“When did you know,” Yugyeom clarifies. “When did you know that you liked me?” 

“When you held onto my hand and didn’t let go,” Jinyoung answers. “Why?” 

“But—” Yugyeom sighs, and unbuckles his seatbelt. “We did that a lot.” 

“I don’t know if there was an exact moment,” Jinyoung explains. “It’s like this feeling that kept growing in my chest until I couldn’t think about spending the rest of my life with anyone else except you.” 

“You don’t—” 

“I’m in love with you,” Jinyoung says earnestly. “And I’m so happy.” 

Yugyeom holds in his breath. It feels like it was so long ago, when Jinyoung was sitting across from him asking him to be his fake boyfriend. He remembers what Jinyoung said—  _ ‘I’m in love with him. And I hate it.’  _ Love has always been a funny word to Yugyeom, only now he knows the weight of it and what it means. He knows what love feels like and he has it right in front of him. 

“It was worth it,” Yugyeom settles on saying. 

“What was worth it?” Jinyoung asks. 

“All of it,” Yugyeom answers. “And you kept your promise.” 

“I did?” Jinyoung laughs. 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom says, and squeezes his hand. Yugyeom doesn’t have to wish anymore. Not when Jinyoung’s sitting next to him and looking at him the same way Yugyeom always has. He doesn’t have to wish anymore because it’s real. He loves Jinyoung, and Jinyoung loves him back. It’s enough for both of them and Yugyeom is never going to let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! i'm sorry this last update took a little longer than the rest. I was working on this little surprise bonus chapter from yugyeom's pov. 
> 
> im sad fake dating fic has come to end and 😭 but!!!! thank u all for sticking around on this ride. it has been fun!! 
> 
> as always, feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned)


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